Did you tell?

Hey all,

Ive recently made the decision to persue wls after years of struggling with severe obesity and some recent very serious health issues that have popped up. 

Im curious to know if/how you told people about your wls? Also how did you deal with negative responses?

I know for sure that im going to wait until things have progressed a lot more before i tell anyone besides my husband.

The problem is we live with my mom and brother who are always in my business and i can only keep them at bay for so long. Plus my mom... while i love love love her... she cannot keep anything to herself. Once she finds out pretty much the whole extended family will know. Also, im worried as to what her feelings will be about my getting wls. I think she will be somewhat supportive but will probably also be concerned about it and make some sideways remarks. 

Another concern, i have 3 really close girl friends who are also obese like me. Our friendship is pretty much based on eating and shopping together. I have no idea what the reaction will be. I believe they will be judgy about it. 

I really want to be an open book about this whole process because i dont want any awkwardness and speculation. But i just need to figure out how to deal with the negative nancys... 

I didn't tell anyone but my husband and sister until I had insurance approval (which was about 3 months into the process). When I told my sister early on she was very judgmental at first. Because I had dropped a large amount of weight on my own she saw me as "already smaller than I'd ever been" and therefore she didn't see the reason/point to my surgery. She is also very, very thin and has never struggled with obesity. I did manage to come up with a comparable analogy to use with her that made her understand. 

As for everyone else, I just owned my decision. I wasn't apologetic, and I didn't waver about my choice or allow them to give opinions. If they had concerns then I shut them down with the fact that I had been researching/studying/talking to doctors about this for months and I knew what was best for ME. My immediate family was very supportive (even after I wasn't sure they would be). 

I don't see how it's feasible to keep Surgery secret from those you live with. My hubby and kids know- so do my siblings, parents etc. if they tell people in their circles- I can't control that. At one point I was annoyed with my hubby for telling people at his church-- but he made a good point. Had something happened to me during surgery how would he have explained it. It wasn't fair for me to expect him to not have a system of support 'just in case'. 

I don't really share with anyone other than family. I'm good at changing the topic quickly when people pry- or being vague in my answers. Eating less, moving more. 

Set the tone with those you chose to tell that you won't defend your choice. But know they may not support you. Just build a network of support around them. (Like here in OH)  You'll really need thick skin. 

I decided to tell my family and close friends. Mostly as a sounding board to help me with my decisions. My husband is supportive although he doesn't see me as obese. (BMI over 40) My sisters were both concerned about safety and my brother was intrigued as he is really big. I was most concerned how my Dad would take it (Mum has passed) He is 90 and he said, "Thats good."  

You are the most important person in this equation. I retired a few years ago and haven't really enjoyed it because I feel too fat to travel and am embarrassed to be out due to sometimes unkind comments made to me.  I decided I don't want to shorten what I have left and want to start living outside my shell.  The negative people have to understand you are doing this for your health and your future.  

LL

Every individual has to decide what works for them. Personally,I am an open book. I spent my life as an obese person and always felt if I just exercised more or ate less I could be a normal size. I couldn't live with myself if I let another person think that too. And if I tell them I'm eating less and moving more,that's what I'm implying. Weight loss surgery gave me my life back--in fact a much better life than I've had in any of my 57 years. I tell everyone about my surgery,clerks and customers in the store,receptionists at offices and servers at restaurants. Hubby often tells people how much I've lost and I'm great with that. Because of my honesty I've had 2 friends and a relative of my husband who have had or are in the process of having surgery too and they're doing great too. I help them any way I can and answer questions and check on their progress frequently too. I heard some negative comments about taking the easy way out but just explain that I still have to make sensible choices and exercise every day. There is nothing easy about the day to life in maintenance that's for sure. Any other comments I shut down by telling them that I had done extensive research and this was the best chance for me to have a healthy life.

I've been very open about my surgery too Karen. 

Very personal space.

The most personal.

YOUR space.

YOUR body.

YOUR health.

Improving your own health will leverage every single aspect of your life and how much better you relate to every one and everything around you.

Taking the time to make your personal decision is the key here.   In the early stages of decision making you may find yourself all over the place on the "should I ?" or "shouldn't I ?" aspects. It's a volatile time.....one that you need to limit the imposition of other people's insecurities and their lack of knowledge about wls.  You don't need their issues imposed on your thinking at this time.

Now is time for your clarity and your plan development.

You'll educate yourself and make your mind up and then plan accordingly.

You will make changes and improve your life.

Who to tell, when to tell, etc.....that all takes on such a much larger than needed place in our minds in the early days.  It truly becomes insignificant at some point as the benefits of making the changes.......regaining health......begin to show up.   

They'll see and feel your joy and happiness at getting to where you want to be.  They will support your decision and possibly even want to follow your example in some way.....improve their own health.....follow your way of eating......maybe bariatrics.

Not trying to make light of the enormity of what you must feel now........just trying to emphasize that clear thought and gathering your own resolve is what is needed now.     The rest of it is simply just future conversations and letting folks in on what you have ALREADY done.

I took my mother to the support meetings with me.  I told everyone, including family, friends, co-workers, waitresses and clerks at the grocery store.  Some were positive, encouraging and wanted to know every detail.  Others were critical, judgmental and told me about people who had gained all their weight back or who had terrible complications from the surgery.

When I had some regain, I was grateful for the naysayers and the food police.  It made me determined to be a success story.  I did lose a close friend *****fused to go out to eat at places did served anything other than fried chicken and beer.

I found lots of new friends who liked to eat healthy. 

I never had to worry about my secret getting out.  Now that it will be ten years people don't really remember me as fat.  I have shredded some of the awful pictures and felt good doing it.  I think of myself as the old version and the new version.

if/when i lose weight, im definatly shredding pictures. They are just terrible to look at... In fact when i got married i got the skimpiest photography package because i didnt care about having pictures of myself. Maybe someday when im looking better hubby and i can get an anniversery photo done. 

Thats a good idea about taking mom to support meetings. 

Thank you for sharing :)

I'd suggest keeping one or two before pictures. I kept the one pic where I was at my heaviest--273 or so. It lives on my frig and is a constant reminder of where I could be again if I don'****ch myself. Some days that picture is enough to keep me making good choices!