How to help

Hi, I am 22 years old and im here for some guidance so to speak. My mother is 52, she will be 53 in march and i need some advice on how to help her.

She is morbidly obese, she has many health issues including COPD, poor circulation in her legs leading to swelling, arthritis, and some other things including her weight. She is in horrible shape. She said she cannot even walk to her mailbox without getting winded, and i want to help her get her life back. She has had gastric bypass before when she was younger, but obviously she couldnt keep the weight off. I do not know if she really wants help, because she is so depressed with her life, but im afraid something is going to happen to her if she doesnt change.. shes only 52. Shes also a smoker, and i know shes not doing anything to better herself but im sure its because she doesnt really care about herself,  so i need to help her! Any advice?

It's sweet of you to desire to help her- but it won't be effective until she desires  to gain control of her own health. Is she gaining weight- or at least maintaining? 

The things I think I'd gently encourage is her 1) trying to quit smoking (that alone will improve her COPD and add years to her life) and 2) see a doctor for a health evaluation-- she needs to know exactly what's going on with her health so it can be treated accordingly. Include a mental health evaluation if she's depressed. 

She "should" probably try and see her weight loss surgeon-- but she probably resistant to the idea. Of course she should eat better and get active-- Bit I'm sure she knows all that too. That's why I'm suggesting you enourage the things that can maximize  her health at any weight.  

Peachpie is spot on.  You can open some doors for her, but she has to walk through them. My brother in law is treating his life the same way right now.  His adult children have tried everything to help him get some control over his health.  Dispite what he verbalises about wanting to get healthier, he can't quit smoking or do what he needs/knows to do medically.  

So we have all come to realize that he is making his own life choices - which is healthy in its own way, but with each heart episode he has, it will get him closer to his end.

The only humerous point is now they understand a little what it is like to raise a teenager - you can advise & demand all you want, but in the end they gonna do what they gonna do.

If she doesn't choose to take any if the help you offer, just enjoy her as much as you can and let her live her life.

Everything that Pechpie and Roxy said, expect that I would add to Roxy's last sentence:

If she doesn't choose to take any if the help you offer, just enjoy her as much as you can and let her live her life, AND YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. 

Are you spending a great deal of time helping your mother with various tasks?

Sadly, the only thing you can really do is set a good example.  

One thing that worked for me is going to therapy myself so that I could talk to my parents about my experience and help to normalize it for them.  This encourage both of the to be willing to give therapy a try, something they hadn't done before.  

You can also ask her to join you when you do things.  Don't be pushy, but things like "Hey, I'm going to walk around the block, do you want to come with me?"  

If you live together, be the one who plans meals, shops, and cooks.  Ask her for input with the planning and ask for her help with the cooking.  

What Gwen says is so true. Lead by example. I know if someone told me to have the surgery or said anything about my weight it would make me eat more.

I guess I am kind of a brat. Well sometimes more than others.

Just be there for her. She needs to come to terms with her obesity. It is not something you can make someone do. 

Just like an addict they have to hit their rock bottom before someone can help them. 

All great advice above about modeling healthy behaviors... I would just add... treating the depression may help... weight loss isn't a cure for depression (despite what society leads us to believe) so maybe if she expressed to how she's been feeling suggesting she chat with her Dr about that and perhaps it will open the door to more positive changes.

Oh and you could have some things like this "lying around" ;) The OAC has a great brochure (they will mail you a hard copy free) called Understanding your weight loss options  http://www.obesityaction.org/educational-resources/brochures -and-guides/understanding-your-weight-loss-options-brochure it's unbiased, evidence based and hopefully clears up some of the confusion of the current weight loss & obesity treatments available now.

Best wishes to your Mom and you!

I'm going to second this! Get the depression treated. It's likely that she quite literally can't address any of her other issues while depressed. Some antidepressants can take 6-8 weeks to begin working, so the sooner she starts the better.

I, fortunately, have never suffered from depression, but my mother and husband both have. My husband was an alcoholic and smoker. He tried to quit both, but was unable to until his depression was cleared up. Afterwards, it was so much easier.

Just love her.

There's nothing you can really do.  You can offer your support, not enable her by buying her cigarettes or buying her unhealthy food -- but other than that -- just love her.  Unconditionally.

Change has to come from her.  

I am so sorry.

If you are living with your mother, figure out a way to get out of there.  Go to school, plan your career, move in with a friend, get a job in another city, get married, have a family. You do not need to help your mother.

She has swelling because she is obese, smokes, and does not move enough.  She needs to help herself.  Your trying to help only empowers her to control you and deprive you of building and enjoying your own life.  She is making you into the mother. 

This is the time for you to make your own life and make her be responsible for her own life.  Don't be afraid.  She will either shape up or find someone else to give up their life and take care of her.  

She is controlling you by using fear and guilt.  The only way to help her is to stop trying to help her.