Support

This is so difficult. My wonderful and loving husband does not understand what I'm going through. He feels that since I've lost weight before, I can just do it again. I've been on a weight roller coaster my whole life. When he and I met, I was at my lowest weight ever, 164. I looked great, I felt great. Then we started going through some tough times,  not he and I, but legal battles to keep his daughter in our lives. I had a hard time dealing with all the stress and went back to my old habits and gained all the weight back. 

I explained why I want to get weight loss surgery, and he doesn't get it. I'm hearing:

'just don't eat bad stuff.'

'Put the food down.'

'We don't want to lose you.' 

I feel I am doing this for all of us. I want to play outside with my bonus daughter and go sled riding, hunt with my husband without having to sit it a chair...there is so much I want to do as a family. So much I want to do for me, too. 

My husband was much the same way. In fact even this week when he sees me losing while I'm optifast he has said that I can lose the weight. But I've had a lifetime of obesity and at 44 I am sure I want to go through with the surgery. So I told him months ago I've made up my mind. As he's seen that I'm not changing my mind he's grown to accept it. It helps that I realize he's not trying to be unsupportive, he's just afraid of losing me. So whenever he says something about not having surgery I respond with reassurance that I will be fine. And it does seem to be working. 

You can put the fork down and stop eating bad stuff.  You can work hard and lose the weight again.  The kicker is that without surgery you have no tool to keep the weight off.  So when problems happen, the diet will go away and the weight will come back.

There is a risk with surgery.  It is much a smaller risk and a much safer procedure than when I had surgery nine years ago.  The biggest percentage of people go through the surgery with little pain and no complications. 

With surgery, you will have a tool to help you lose the weight and will still have that tool to help you maintain for life after losing the weight.  I took my husband to my pre-op appointments and had him sit with us in our support meetings. 

It allayed his fears and he ended up excited about the surgery as I was.  The more your husband learns, the better it will be for both of you

My husband was on-board once he read the book Weight loss for Dummies. At the end of the day, this surgery is less risky than staying heavy. As a yo-yo dieter you know that you need an additional tool to help you KEEP the weight off even if you can get it off.  That's why I did it.  I had dieted down to goal at least 4+ times in my life and every time I regained what I lost and more (and kept the excess weight longer).  There was no maintenance, only lose and gain (more gain than loss). Ultimately my health was suffering: high blood pressure, pre-diabetic, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, and aches/pains in my back and knees.

I second this book! I asked my husband and my mom to read it, and it really eased their minds about my decision. Super helpful!

WLS has very little to do with having a smaller stomach. It cannot be cured by putting food down, saying no to bad stuff, or exercising more. Being obese means your body works in fundamentally different ways than the body of a healthy weighted person. And you have the same odds of overcoming that without surgery as you do of winning the lottery.

Here is a link to a recent New York Times article that explains some of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/27/health/bariatric-surgery.h tml?_r=1

^^^^This!

What everyone else has said - plus, it is a complicated action to take your life back. When everything is said and all the surface is peeled away, you need to do this for YOURSELF.

I can relate to your story, not the same reason for putting my health aside to deal with life issues, but the same concept.  It took me 17 years to finally take the bull by the horns and get my health back and a tool to give me more control.  I think you need to do your research & make your decision to take the WLS step to get your OWN health back.  Your partner may have a number of reasons he is not on board.  This can be a very complicated issue for partners; emotional; control; security; oncern.  He needs to deal with those issues, you can't go through your journey and try to deal with his issues as well.

Open some doors for him, invite him to read, attend appointments, join the spouses forum on OH, but the bottom line is you need to get selfish and do this for you and your health. What happens around you, you also need to deal with but if you decide WLS is for you then at least for the first two years it will be your #1 priority.

Ultimately, he doesn't need to understand what you're going through and will never be able to, because it's not his experience.  And.. that's okay.  It stops being okay when he tries to let his opinion and feelings dictate your life and decisions.  

It sounds like you've done what you can to explain this to him, so, as painful as it is, it might be a good time to stop talking about this with him.  You do what you need to do for your health, secure in the knowledge that it's the right choice for you.  Maybe he'll come to understand later, once you've had the surgery and are kicking ass.  

It sucks, since surgery will be a big part of your life and it'll be hard not to talk to your partner about it.  Do you have anyone else close to you in your life who is supportive of your choices?

Holy Hell guys! this is such good feedback. I love how everyone covered a different perspective. Education, evidence, support, self determination etc. 

I have nothing else to add, just wanted to gush about how awesome you all are! 

Carry on!