Never ending frustration

I was talking to my Mom last night about a friend of mine who told me she's having surgery. Not a close friend at all - someone I used to know but now not so much. I was of course supportive when she told me but had a few red flags from the things she said, she just didn't sound super committed. I didn't want to be 'that person' since we're not close and I just was supportive and said if you need anything, want any tips let me know - I'm here! I hope she reaches out, I want her to be successful.

Anyways - Mom said so how much have you lost? I said 231 pounds. Instead of being happy for me she instantly responds well I'm worried about your health. I said why on earth would you be worried about that when I'm the healthiest I've literally ever been? Well, you're getting too skinny. 

This has been a theme of hers for the last 6 months. She asked me again if I was stopping losing. I said I don't know, I'll find out when it stops. I think I'm in maintenance but I've only had the last 2 weeks at the same weight so maybe? Her response? Well that can't be healthy. I said IT WASN'T HEALTHY TO BE 377 POUNDS. I'm a normal BMI, I am NOWHERE near being under that. 

I said this pretty calmly. But I really need her to stop these comments. Why can't I ever be enough? And by 'I' I mean fat people. I don't mean me as a daughter because that's an issue for my therapist lol. I was invisible as a fat person, I'm too visible now that I'm a normal weight and I'm so frustrated by the comments.

I know this is a common theme and I've posted about this at least one other time. But with the holidays I'm getting it from other people too. I hate it SO MUCH. 

I really liked looking skinny and I was just at a normal BMI, but looked so different than before the surgery.  I knew that the skinny look would not last and it did not.  By three years out, I had boobs again and my body had filled out and looked "normal". 

You are doing the right thing to tell your mother that you are healthy.  I had a relative who had surgery a year before me and had a lot of regain, so that kept my family from telling me I had lost too much.  My body found its happy place and stayed there for about a year, then I had some regain and filled out again.

After year three nobody ever told me that I was too skinny again.  I see this as just part of your life-long journey and nothing to get upset about.

I deal with this with my mother and a few friends. They always tell me I am getting too thin. I started saying you can never be too thin. I know it is not right to come back with something like this.

My mother watches way too much TV so I think she sees all of the horror stories about WLS. 

When I go there I take it with a grain of salt and just be glad I can hear my mothers voice still. I also tell people I don't want to talk about certain things. I take them right off of the table of any type of discussion. 

Keep posting. So many go through with **** like this from family. So you posting will help someone else. Even if there really isn't always a solution. 

You look great you don't look sick. You look stunning. I am so proud of you.

You know something strange I've noticed with family? They never say much to us about being MO but sure as heck like to chime in when they think we are too skinny!!! I think it's mostly jealousy in some sort of way.  

I don't think you can stop people from making those comments unfortunately.  I'm trying to think of a great diversion or deflection, or to just not respond at all.  I remember when I was pregnant with my 3rd planned child. We had a boy and a girl already. My mom thought that the family of 2 was perfect.  But I have 2 siblings - so I said to her one day - which one of us would you have given up? She stopped making those comments after that. But seriously - complete strangers when asking when I was due, and if it was my first would ask if he was a surprise or an accident. It boggles my mind that people would even think of asking a question.  

Maybe if people ask you if you're planning to lose more weight- say I don't know, are you?

:)

Sounds like it's time to lay down the law.

"Mom, I appreciate that you're trying to look out for my health. But your comments make me very uncomfortable. From now on, my weight is off-limits for conversation." And stick to it. If she brings it up again, shut it down ASAP with, "I'm sorry, but we don't discuss my weight," and immediately redirect the conversation.

I agree with White Dove! Give it some time and your body will plump back up a bit including just your skin in general. When I reached a healthy BMI a family member or two made same basic comment although I know I was NO where near too skinny!! But when I see photo's of myself during that time I did have a look of pale skin, saggy skin, sunk in cheeks and eye's. Everyone including myself were use to seeing me very full very round with big rosey cheeks. Now, my skin does still sag, combo of age and weight loss I'm sure, but my eye's glow and cheeks have filled out naturally. 

I agree with Sparklekitty here.  It's time to come up with a script and then stick with it every single time she brings up the issue.  It sucks to have to do, especially with your mom, but your mom is not respecting your autonomy here.  I find that captainawkward.com provides amazing advice on how to deal with situations like this and how to create useful scripts!

As Gwen mentioned, scripts are very helpful.

Your mother is projecting on you.  It is unhealthy, as I am sure you know.  It has zero to do with you and your weight loss.

I think you are amazing, and that your weight loss is fabulous!

I agree with the others. Make a script and stick to it. Your mom is not going to listen to reason and will keep arguing with you. People, including your mom, will get used to you at your new weight and the comments will stop. Do not believe the comments that you are "too-thin". That is where the danger sets in. People listen, they eat more, and then they cannot stop gaining weight.

There are not many of us long-termers here still at goal who have lost over 200 pounds. We are a rarity. You have to keep fighting.