Feeling Fragile

I've never shared anything as deeply personal as this with you all before but I'm feeling like I need some support and I have come to trust and respect you guys, so here it goes...

Two years ago something devastating that happened in my immediate family came to light and broke us apart. Since then everything has changed. Our 22 year old twins moved out and our 20 year old has completely retreated into himself.

This incident along with a brutally stressful job and several health issues took me out of the game. I literally collapsed and have not been able to go back to work full-time since nor resume my active lifestyle.

Because I'm only making a fraction of my former salary, we ended up having to leave the dream home that we built after many years and are now renting a small place in a different community. We had to downsize, so we sold most of our belongings.

Our marriage of almost 30 years has fallen completely apart, he has become detached and quite verbally abusive and I have decided to leave as soon as possible.

At 52 I feel like I have lost everything that I've worked so hard for my whole life. I feel like I failed and like I don't have it in me to get back to where I was before.

In the meantime, I am still waiting for my surgery which should take place in April but there have already been so many delays that I'm not even sure about that. (I live in Canada and have already been waiting for three years)

I'm not used to feeling so helpless and out of control but there's no way I can afford to leave before I have my surgery, recover my health and go back to work full-time.

So I have been focusing on making positive changes with the things I can control. I've lost 32 lbs. since my consult and 60 from my high weight. I've been exercising daily, doing yoga and meditation, attending support groups and getting counseling but it's still very hard and I'm terribly sad most of the time.

Hugs.. Life can be brutal at times. Worse at others.  Sometimes we don't see the light at the end of a tunnel. 

Reaching out is one part of recovery. Getting back to yourself. At 52 you are not old and hopefully you have many years that can be good ...

I see that you already doing things that I would do myself.  You did not same what the horrible event was ..but if that shakes you and the family so much - no wonder you still sad and trying to recover. You may even deal with PTSD..and recovery from that can be much longer. You are in counseling. How about chemical help - antidepressants?  Some naturopath docs believe that when we face real life and experiance sadness - we often try to rush through recovery by taking meds. And in reality - that will only mask the symptoms and not do anything about the emotions that deals with reality. And there are some that believe that we often get stuck..like hamster in a wheel...and the meds can help us get out and deal with the reality. 

Also leaving in an abusive relationship is so depressive. I would be sad too... I use to be in one. I did not see reason to live... Most of my friends only saw his "love and affection " towards me. This was his public persona. In private - was he different ... I had a good job, my own money, my own home...and it still took me 3 years to get out.. We were married 4 total.  It took me 4 more years to be able to trust someone again. Even a little.  

Keep looking forward.  Picture yourself happy ...

When I go through difficult times now - I try to find something positive in my experiance.  I often wonder - what I am suppose to learn from that?  

As for positive spin on things... The most difficult was death of my mother... And I could only thing of 2 positive things - 1. I would never have to go through that pain again, 2. She is at peace, no longer in pain. 

So ..what are you suppose to learn from what is happening to you? Maybe that you are stronger than you thought you can be. You are a surviver. You learned the true nature of you husband. .... And once you survive all of that - you would be stronger and more sensitive to pain of others... 

Hugs... Sometimes a good cry...is a good cry.  

Thank you for your kindness H.a.l.a. You are one of the people that I admire very much in this forum and your support means a great deal to me.

I think H.a.l.a has said so many of the things needed to be said. I can relate so much to what you have written and I'm sorry that things are this hard for you.

I admire everything you are doing to gain support and look after yourself at this time. I was also very proactive,  and one bit of advice that stuck from my therapist was "it's ok to slow down and not keep trying so hard". I was trying everything and doing everything in the hope that I could make things better but in reality we only have a small portion of control and that pertains to ourselves only. It was such a relief to hear that things weren't getting better not because I wasn't doing or being 'good' enough but that sometimes life just kicks us in the butt and we have to ease off to allow space for healing.

While you are going thru what sounds like a very lonely and sad time,  you are not alone. The surgery is a tool towards better health but it cannot guarantee a better everything. As you wait for your confirmed date please be gentle and kind to yourself. The more practice you get of this now the more ready you will be for the battle that comes post surgery. We will be here to support you.

Thank you so much.

I never share like this and was really nervous about doing so but this group means so much to me.

I can be very hard on myself and having you remind me that things sometimes are just out of our control is really important.

I will take your good advice to heart!

I had my WLS at 57, so you will have 5 more years of benefit - good for you.  At 57 it was the best things I did for my health in a long time. 

Stay on you healing journey, it is worth it in the long run, despite the tears and fears in the short term

My heart feels very heavy for you. It is not easy leaving someone who is abusive. Emotional scars can be worse than physical ones. 

Remember you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. No one is allowed to treat us badly and think it is okay. 

I hope you get the help you need.

Wishing I had some major words of wisdom. Just remember you deserve to be treated with respect. 

This message speaks to me in some personal ways.  I am so sorry for these experiences.  Yes, devastating.  Everything in turmoil.  I wish I had time this morning to write more, but I do want you to know that your feelings resonate with me, and I know that you can get through this.  DO take care of your surgery.  It will help you to make your new life, because the surgery can support you as you develop the self confidence and energy that your future will require.  (Surgery is not a cure and will not fix all these challenges, of course.  But it will support your efforts to heal in all ways.)

I would like to suggest to you the CD of meditations and affirmations by Bellaruth Naparstek, called Meditations to help with Heartbreak, Abandonment, and Betrayal." This has been enormously helpful to me. 

Although I do not remember the exact phrasing, one affirmation on this CD says something like, "I know that beautiful, and capable, and worthy people have suffered such devastation."  You too are beautiful, capable, and worthy.

Take care of yourself.  Feel free to PM me.

Thank you for the suggestion I am going to look into that too