So how did you pick up the pieces? Not blame yourself for not seeing "the signs".

I am replaying every encounter/conversation/time we shared over the past 6 years...

I am starting to think one never really can know or trust anyone...

I could have blamed myself, but didn't. It wasn't my fault that I didn't have a vagina. And she was so busy blaming me, vigorously, that I didn't have time to blame myself.

We were married for 24 years, and together for 28, so I had a lot more time to "see the signs" than you did. So don't blame yourself. That's a road to no where. Learn what you can from the experience, and use your new and costly knowledge next time around.

Or, you can do what I did. Don't date at all for over 10 years, and gain 250 pounds. But I can't really recommend it.

There are all kinds of people. Some are worth trusting, and some are not. It has zero to do with sexual orientation. Some folks just treat people like **** Find someone who doesn't.

You have been rewarded with the best girlfriend ever. You are a remarkable man, John. 

I am a lucky, lucky man. 

It was worth the wait....

Skinny,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have some experience with infidelity- so will toss out a few thoughts:

know there are stages to processing this- and they are nothing like the stages of grief. Anger, sadness are obvious. But you may also experience an intense desire to physically connect with him at some point. Seems impossible now in light of what you know- but there's still a familiar connection with him that you may seek to try and know again. 

Let him own his shame. People often look pitifully and sympathetically at you-- redirect them to him. You maintained your vows--He didn't. It's his shame-- let them pity him for what he is about to lose. 

Make no final decision right now. Emotions are too raw. Do what's necessary to preserve your mental space and protects asssets-- when you have a level head not driven by emotion.

Attorneys are not therapists. Talk to a therapist about the emotions of it all. Attorneys are there to litigate the divorce. They won't be appalled for you-- they are in it for the dollars and cents. 

How do you plan to spend the next few days?

This happened to me early in  my life.  He was honest and told me that he loved me but he was gay and could not live a lie.  I respected him for that, but the rejection I felt was overwhelming.  I hated him for hurting me... for letting me fall in love with him.  I was engaged to him.  I had a RING!!!  How would I tell my family and friends?  The pity that was showered down around me from family and friends was oppressive and almost worse than the betrayal.

 I did the stupid "rebound move" of immediately dating a 'manly stud' and then I married him.  He was an asshole who beat me regularly and then cheated on me multiple times.  We lasted 7 years and then I wised up and kicked his ass to the curb.  I did not date for a few years and when my present husband came into my life, it took a VERY long time to trust him.  He had to work very hard to earn my complete trust.  We have been together almost 30 years.  It can work out.  I have a very happy marriage now.  

My advice... don't beat yourself up.  This had nothing to do with you.  The blame lies squarely in his lap for lying to you.  He was a good manipulator and you were in love with the image he wanted you to see.  Hindsight is 20/20 and someday,with time and a little therapy, you will see the red flags that you missed.  Love is blind...and sometimes deaf... and REALLY dumb.  

Don't jump back into another relationship too soon.  Try to work through the hurt first.  When you do feel like dating again, don't be afraid to ask the really hard questions.  Take what you've learned and apply it to the next chapter in your life.  When I first met my husband I practically interrogated him.  Fortunately for me, he found that  "endearing' and "cute".  He's weird that way.  Take care of you.  The rest will fall into place.

BTW... my ex, gay, fiancee and I are great friends now.  It took many years for me to reach out to him again, but I'm glad I did.  He lives in Georgia with his significant other. 

I found great support and understanding online at a website called chumplady.com  .  It is peopled by folks just like yourself who are struggling with the discovery and betrayal and how to deal with the aftermath.

Drop in and check them out.  Lots of ways to deal with everything and lots of love.

Hang in there, Kid.

OMG.  I read one of her blogs when I was sitting at home last week, waiting for the anti-anxiety medicines to kick.  She is very articulate. So there are boards, and forums?  I will double check.

Thank you for this post and Happy Thanksgiving.