Self Perception & friends

I actually talked to my surgeon about this.  Mind you, I am still pre-op, so I can't say that I have the exact same experiences as you do, but here's my best shot:

Surgeon wrote a book, and he gives it to each of his patients to read and generally study up on the different types of WLS.  In the book, he writes about emotional issues as well as problems with relationships.  Now, the way I see it, if my family and friends are going to be withdrawn from me once I get the number on the scale to shrink, they're probably not the best support system to have around. Anyway, I asked the doctor about the relationship changes and asked him why he thought this was the case.  He told me that a lot of people are invested in you for the way you are, not who you are, and you will change and probably become more of an outspoken person once you have less weight to hide behind, because you will be more happy with yourself and won't mind causing waves.

In high school, I had a lot of "friends," but as soon as I was better than they were at something, they weren't my friends any more.  Instead of being happy for me that I got the lead in the school play, or first chair flute, or won the state golf championship, they were jealous of me and no longer wanted to be a part of my life.  I don't like wishy-washy people, and I don't tolerate them very well.  I am me, and I won't change for you.  I WILL change for me, however.  I have chosen real people, real friends, that don't see me as just the fat friend.  I am Kandace, after all. 

I think it is completely understandable to be uncertain of your size since sizes vary so widely from brand to brand. I agree it would be uncomfortable to have to say your size to someone. Even if I wore a size 2, I would probably feel awkward.

Friendships ebb and flow. Those that survive are ones in which both people put in effort. My best friend and I often will not talk for weeks. Then we will get together and spend hours talking. Sometimes one of us will email the other to say we haven't fallen off the face of the earth but are overcommitted with work and projects and will catch up when we have breathing room, or we are tired and overwhelmed and are doing our best to plod along but will rejoin the human race shortly.

I have found that I am far less willing to tolerate any poor behavior from friends. I spent years being the apologetic fat person and feeling, deep down, that I had to bend over backwards to show people my worthiness despite my morbid obesity. I no longer do that, and some people dislike it. They were much happier when I catered to their whims. No more. I refuse to allow anyone close to me who is going to act like a **** and think I should be happy for the privilege of their presence.

I think it's worth asking your friends straight out what the difficulty is if you want to keep the friendships; if not, let them fade. They may be jealous or just going through their own stuff. It could be a lot of things, and it's not necessarily you.

In the past year and a half, I've let some people go because I realized I was convenient for them when they want something but friendship was beyond them.

I definitely agree about putting in the effort. My best friend lives 6 hours away and we have zero in common in our lives - we're in complete different cir****tances and we sometimes don't talk for weeks too but we both know that if we don't put in the effort it would be easy to drift apart.

I think that is part of the problem - I'm less likely to let people walk all over me or be okay with people being ****ty to me. We all became friends when we were going through cancer treatment so it's hard for me to let the friendships go because we bonded in a life or death type experience.

But I don't want to be convenient - which is a great way to put it. I want to be wanted. I struggle with this in my life so much. I have a wonderful life and 2 relationships that mean more to me than anything. But the friendships that waiver like this stress me out and I wish I'd be able to either let them go or be able to be ok with how they are.

Good luck with the new job!

The 3 major things I have found with our body perception, our own minds and then other people.

1) Body image issues come from never being comfortable in our bodies. I can say at 11 years out I still look in the mirror and sometimes say im fat. When freakin hell in reality im a 36,30,33. With 23% body fat (athlete level amounts). Comming from 30/32W and 5x shirts, i usually slap myself for even thinking it now. It does improve with time, I dont think it nearly as much. But have my "fat days"

2) We self sabotage. Years of standing out in the room as the big person for some really odd reason makes us feel like we stand out even more thinner. When in reality we blend in more now. I can litterally be in a crowd of all sorts of sizes and still feel like the biggest, even though I am usually toward the smaller range. I just remind myself whatever if someone is staring or not. NO they dont know my past, and probably never will or never need to. So dont care. 

3) What drives you to care what others think of you, arent you happy with you? Why does it self consume so many post ops? 

What drives it.....we feel the need to be accepted into the thin people group. And yup before we were the fat friend to some. We were never friends. If single, we want attention of better partners, so we think. Ive actually found the more I care less about what people think of me, the more and better people that have come in my life, cause Im just being me. Im not defining myself by my weight, whatever surgery I had, disease, who my friends are, how many I have, how much Ive lost, etc etc.

WLS post ops, we really need to stop letting a surgery define you. Thats not you, that is an alteration to your GI tract. Your individuality does not rely one iota on your surgery.

i still guess my size wrong. i'm not sure that the body stuff ever fully goes away. but it definitely gets better. if your uniform turns out to be too big, you can always have it altered. 

as for friends, its hard to determine the cause in the change in relationships sometimes, but especially after WLS. we go through so many hormonal and lifestyle changes that i think we often take things personally that have nothing to do with us. i also think some friends become jealous and pull away. but those people were not good friends to begin with.

i agree with laura that its a good idea to try to depersonalize as much as possible. it'll take some time to sort it all out and hindsight will be 20/20. its too fuzzy to try to understand it now. 

i don't necessarily agree with your BFF and therapist. jealousy is one possible reason these relationships are strained, but its not the only one. have you talked with your friends about how you're feeling?

Thrilled for you and your new job!  It is uncool to have to blurt out your size or weight in those situations but you do your best to guess and then be glad if you have to size down.  It is a head trip for sure...

I'm going to throw this out there as you've gotten some great imput from others already.  I find it quite easy to think that everything that goes on in my life post-op (both good and bad) somehow relates to my WL and WLS.  

Frankly, it doesn't.  

Your "friends" could be jealous, dealing with their own crap, just drifting away for their own personal reasons that have jack all to do with you and your WL.  And it could be that they perceive you as a PITA.  Who knows?  You could ask them.  Or you can let them go. You get to decide who you want to have in your life and who you don't.

This is where I see the difference in our ages :)  I have what, 10 or 15 years on you?  This kind of crap doesn't get to me like it would have when I was your age, so maybe that's why I think the way I do.  But the older I get the less time I have to waste on folks who don't give as good as they get, family members included! I am done being a giver to people who only want/need/take from me.  

Be their friend too - ask them what's up?  And if you don't like the answer, or don't care enough about them to get more involved then I suggest you cut that weight loose too.  Overthinking about that kind of stuff can be a heavy load to carry.  Just MHO of course.  Jeeze, I sound like a cranky old lady now! 

I know I sound very young when I talk about my friend issues. I always say I sound like I'm in high school - which I hate! I'm self aware enough to know that I overthink everything, obsess too much, etc. I don't know if that will change as I get older though because this aspect of my life is probably the one that I've obsessed over the most ever since I was young.  I'm guessing it comes from never fitting in anywhere, being that person on the outside and having so much anxiety over it. It's hard to grow out of it - even at 34. Not sure that will change at 44 or 49! (I swear in the rest of my life I am an adult...)

But I 100% agree with you that my friends could be dealing with their own crap or just drifting away.

Overthinking sucks, you'd think I'd learn lol.

I don't think you sound young as in immature or High Schoolish - I just meant that (or was more accurately reflecting to myself only in a post to you) that when I was your age I was doing the same kind of mental gymnastics that you are doing for the same kinds of messed up reasons.  I don't seem to do that as much any more and while it is in part I'm sure to my WL and self confidence, it is also an age thing.  I just turned 45 last month and I think I sort of turned a corner on some of that BS and it's like I just don't have the energy to care about stuff that I used to obsess over.  My husband calls it thinking things to the 10th degree.  

I'm not expressing myself well so I'll quit while I am not really ahead.  

Nope I get you :) I can only hope that's true for myself because it is exhausting to be this way!

I kinda agree with Ashley in that it might have nothing to do with your wl. Friends come & go & some friends become fair weather friends & acquaintances sometimes become friends. Just chill out, be yourself & see where it goes.

I totally believe that as we age we tend to not put up with so much bs. Add wls & a boost of self confidence & maybe that not putting up with bs kicks in much earlier. I so tend to get into the I don't give a **** mode now than when I was in my 30's. Oh my 30's, what a distant memory, well not too distant. lol

As far as the uniform, I have to wear one too, although my job would never call it one, it's fire retardant clothing with my oh so stylish steel toe boots. The thing is these type of clothes are mostly geared to a mans size so I also was a little clueless as to what size I wore.

I think Tyndale has a size conversion chart so you can better guess what size you wear.

Oh & don't you know I found a pair of ankle top steel toe construction type boots in purple! I'll be wearing those whenever my job drags me back to work on restriction, aka light duty