Self Perception & friends

I know this topic is talked about often because it's impossible to not talk about it but it's so hard to switch your own self perception.

I am starting a new job in a few weeks and we have uniforms (uggghhh) and I had to go in today to try on the samples and be able to tell them what size I needed. She asked me what size I thought I would need - my first thought was omg that's so embarrassing! And then I realized that I was actually much smaller than my new boss and I had no reason to be embarrassed. Then I guessed my size at least 2 sizes bigger than I am. I felt like such a moron - who doesn't know their size??

I can't stop thinking what if I was a 24/26 like I was 19 months ago. Would they have even had shirts to fit me? Pants? This is an HR job and it's definitely something I want to address once I'm there for a while because it bothered me how it worked.

I'm also dealing with some friend issues in that the friends aren't being that good of friends and pulling away more and more. My therapist and BFF are trying to tell me that they could be jealous and I am struggling with anyone looking at my life and being jealous - at least when you know me as well as these people know me. I'm a hot mess!  They specifically think it's related to the weight loss but that feels so...icky...to me to blame a loss of a friendship because of weight.  But my therapist reminds me that I occupied a certain space for them - the fat friend - for a long time and now I don't and some people can't handle that changing.

Has that happened to anyone with friends you consider close?

I'm absolutely atrocious at guessing my own size once I start losing weight - after I lost a bunch post-banding I would still pick out clothes that were much larger than I actually needed.  I think it's just that we're so used to it from years of being a certain size that it's automatic.

As for the friend thing, I didn't personally deal with that but I know several friends who have had WLS and did lose several friends over it.  Largely jealousy issues I think 

I am lucky that my close circle of friends includes 2 other women that are now both post-op WLS (RNY and VSG), and another friend who has lost over 100lbs in the last 2 years by diet alone. We are all supportive of each other.

In my less close (physically) friends, I seem to have good support from most of them, but my oldest and dearest friend, who now lives in England doesn't ask me about it at all. And I made a special call to her because I didn't want her left out. I don't know if she's busy, or uncomfortable with it... and I guess when I see her at Christmas I'll see what's up with that.

BUT... now the women in my office??? I told most of them beforehand, and I'm sure the other ones know because of talk... they NEVER say a word to me about it... but my guy friends (here at work) are supportive and complimentary toward me.

Women are so strange... and I'm not saying I'm perfect, but honestly, we don't always play together well... always jealous of another woman's 'stuff'. I've told many a person that women don't dress to impress the men, we dress to impress the other women so they don't talk about us! LOL

First of all, good luck with the new job!!

When I first started internship last year I was (cringe) size 7x-8x.  Now I wear a "normal" skinny person's 3x, or a 1-2x plus size.  My waist is literally half what it used to be.  I can sit anywhere too which is nice.  I always still forget, lol.

I willingly let some friends go.  Or perhaps "friends" is a better description.  I have matured a lot in general since 2008 when I started my weight loss journey.  The past year I've gotten less tolerant of nonsense.  Thankfully, most of my friends are decent!  And weight does make people do odd things.  Even skinny friends I have are jealous of my weight loss.  They are frustrated they cannot lose 10 pounds they need to.  Perspective is everything, though.

I'm not sure if this fits your case at all, but I know some people get obsessed with their surgery and their weight loss. It is all they talk about. I have known people like that. People get sick of hearing about it so they avoid people like that. When people asked me questions over the years (unless they were considering surgery), I quickly changed the subject. I did not want to topic of conversation to always be about me and my weight loss.

And honestly, some people are just flaky. People come and go out of other people's lives for unknown reasons all the time. They are dealing with their own issues and we have to try not to take it personally.

My closest friends are still my closest friends. I did lose some friends I made who had weight loss surgery the same time as me, but I don't worry about them.

The mental part is the hardest, but things settled down for me around year 3-4. Hang in there!!

I definitely worry about that - about talking about the surgery too much because I know it's annoying. So I made a conscious effort to do that here (thank god for you guys lol) and to my DH mainly. And my therapist. I haven't talked about my surgery to these friends in robably 6-8 months because I was worried I'd be that annoying *****  but their perception could be different than mine.

I was going to suggest the same thing -- not implying that you are doing this -- but just as something to look at.

For me, I was never talking about my surgery, per se -- but I was inadvertently talking about my size, experience, food, what I was eating -- BLAH BLAH BLAH an awful lot without my realizing it.  It's such a monumental change, that it's really hard not to let it occupy our thoughts and conversations all the time. 

Coupled with what your therapist suggests, when we've occupied a particular role (i.e.: the fat friend) for so long, it is also a huge adjustment for our friends and family.  Sometimes our successes highlights other people's struggles -- for example, I had a friend who was going through a really rough patch in her marriage, her job was unfulfilling and she was struggling with feeling that she looked "old" -- so every we got together and I had a laundry list of NSVs -- well, she probably wanted to punch me in the face.  

That said, I have experienced some jealousy issues.  I actually had a friend say to me that she doesn't like me to be around her husband anymore because she can tell he's attracted to me now that I am not obese.  Needless to say, if she thinks so little of me (as well as her husband) that proximity is such an issue, then our friendship, not my weight loss, was the problem.  I handled that by cutting her out of my life.  I don't have time for that.

Well stated. I know I used to talk about everything when people asked, but I would go on and and give much more info than they probably wanted. I did have to work hard on changing the subject when the topic of conversation was about me.

I think your therapist and my therapist talked to each other!  Mine said the exact same thing about the friends.  Remember the spirograoh game?  I think of friends like that; some have darker circles where they have circled around your life for a while and others are lighter and different colors, only circling a time or two to add color and dimension to your life.   While it hurts and is confusing when a darker circle fades off, it just gives you more ink and energy for a lighter one to become dark :)

In hindsight I have to wonder if some of the friendships I kept I only kept because being fat, it was easier than making new friends....

Thank you for that analogy.  I love it!  Such a perfect way to explain the ebb and flow of some friendships.  Awesome!