oh lawd no. i think most justifications about caring about other people's health (whether its weight, or smoking, or what foods to eat, or what exercises to do) are just thinly veiled judgments made out of disgust, NOT caring. its ok to admit to yourself that her behavior disgusted you. its not ok to think that her behavior should change because you don't like it. 

i ride public transit every day and have been for what seems like a century. if someone is doing something near me that i don't like (eating, or listening to music too loud, or talking on a phone, or clipping their nails..yes its happened more than once, or anything really), then i move. i don't expect the world to change to bend to my preferences.

plusalso, as a fat person i really could give a big **** you to what anyone else thinks of what i eat or don't eat. i'm living in this body. worry about your own.  

ETA: who's to say she has any problem with her weight or size? maybe she's perfectly content. ohhhhh the judgment makes me crazy. 

its ok to admit to yourself that her behavior disgusted you.

• I will admit as someone who has been on a diet since she was 8 or 9 years old, I was this odd combination of scared, surprised (why so many chips!?!?!) and perplexed (i.e those are "bad foods" dont you know?  Why are you eating them?")
• I didnt know WHAT to do.

I agree. In fact, I don't even know that I would be sitting and watching the same person overeat over several years. For what?? That should have been let go of 4 years and 364 days ago. Like Grimm said, time for a new train. 

Move to a different part of the train next time... 

• maybe she would like to - abut has no insurance and no way to pay for it cash? 
• maybe she wanted to but can't find a doc who is willing to operate on her? 
• maybe her health is too bad to allow surgery? 
• Maybe the potato chips is the only food taht does not make her sick? 
• how would you know if she did not already have WLS and just regained it all? I know at least 3 people like that... 
• last but not least - how do you know is real obesity and not i.e. lymphoma? Lymphedema? 

You know nothing about her, her health, her life  her history... stop judging people you know nothing about..

I think the chips triggered a "moment" for you. If you truly cared about this lady at all you would have already developed some sort of relationship with her over the years. Sure, you only see her 40 mins a day but that is more than I see my own best friend. Maybe had you spoke to this woman everyday over the years and you both told each other about yourselves you could mention that YOU had WLS but never, ever suggest it for someone, especially someone you don't know. 

Gawd, no. Never in a million years would I approach a stranger and start lecturing her about food choices. Not unless I expected to be punched square in the face. 

It's pretty much impossible for a fat person in this day and age to NOT know about WLS. Bringing it up out of the blue would be akin to saying, "Hey, I noticed how fat you are. Here's a suggestion. Get surgery." No one knows what anyone else is going through, has gone through... maybe she already had surgery and it failed. (Which is my situation. If someone started telling me about the Lap Band and how it could change my life, I'd be irate.) She might be perfectly content at her present weight. There's no way to know. 

You probably wouldn't approach someone and say, "Hey, I don't like your hair and I know you must not like it, either, so here's the name of my stylist. Call them and you can look like me." 

Best to just smile, if you feel the need to interact. 

No, I would not say a thing, EVER to ANYONE that hasn't asked about it.  In this day and age everyone can get online and research ways to lose weight and weight loss surgery is very well known.  

If anyone - especially a stranger - every approached me to give me advice about my weight the conversation would NOT go well - for them! I can make my own decisions (and she can too).  

You never know, she may have tried and tried to get surgery and been denied for one reason or another (which was me for about 10 years) and it really upset me when some new doctor of mine would ask me if I'd ever considered surgery.  I just wanted to scream at them!  

If she wants to know ways to lose weight she will ask someone - and  if she doesn't, that's ok too, it's her life to live how she wants :)

I am kinda late to the party but agree with those that said NO, NO, NO   When I see someone battling my battles my heart breaks for them.  I know the pain they are in. But you don't know this person, what is going on in their lives and the well meant intentions may be the last straw to push them over the edge.

If someone had done that to me I would have went home and ate more.  Felt even worst about myself, if that was possible. You don't need to tell me what worked for you and not me.  It took me 18 months to decide to have surgery.  I went to a seminar and came out shaking my head thinking those people are nuts. No one is going to re-arrange my plumbing.  I can do this!  Proceeded to lose 60 pounds and gained 80.  

Nothing you say, nothing you do, no matter how well intended is going to wor****il that person is ready!

Being trained as a therapist means we are told to approach people for where they are at.  A more positive intervention is to get to know her for her.  Kindness is often the best intervention for lifestyle change.  I see and talk to people that I know better than all the time.  All. The. Time.  For example random thoughts during sessions: no, you shouldn't be dating that loser who beats the crap out of you, lady.  Yes, you should cut off your abusive parents that used your social security number to go into debt for 500,000.  No, you should not avoid paying your taxes for the sixth year in a row to get out of it.  Yes, the bank does have security cameras and you are, in fact, not going to "outsmart" them if you rob the bank.  Et cetera.  I have to approach each of these conundrums where people are at, no matter how much I believe I know better.  

Compassion is always the best therapy.

I had an experience like this recently, actually, with a well-meaning WLS patient.  Someone approach me in the grocery store a few months ago, telling me to get weight loss surgery in a well-meaning way.  They said they had it and it was helpful; moreover they noted I was buying a ribeye steak and yogurt and that my diet had too much saturated fat. They told me about the vertical sleeve gastrectomy, and how great it was they lost fifty pounds in that first year.  I am sure you recall what surgery I had...

At the time I was 110 pounds down a year from my surgery, and was quite cordial letting them know this, as well as the fact that my highest weight was 750 pounds, so I weighed less than half of what I once was.  They were rather sheepish afterwards, and surprised that I had lost so much (they, too, were 430ish the day of surgery).

My point I guess, is that as a counselor I assume people are not dumb.  Every fat person who has ever been to the doctor probably knows what weight loss surgery was.  Every fat person knows that hummus and veggies are better than potato chip bags.  

I think you did the absolutely correct thing, and that you have fabulous insight.  I, too, get judgy even though I'm (still) in the 290s.  I, too, know the secret.  The truth is that it's not surgery which makes us successful alone - it's what we do with it.  It's also the personal development we go through pre and post-op.  It's not just the surgery.

If you are truly concerned about her, it's more effective to become friends with her and provide encouragement, strange as that sounds.  Regardless, you absolutely did the right thing.  

I also think it's natural for people who are proud of the success to want to share it with people who are suffering.  That makes you empathic, and not an asshole.

If you are truly concerned about her, it's more effective to become friends with her and provide encouragement, strange as that sounds.

-THANK you.  You wrote a lot and there is a lot to think on. You are very right ...about it all!