How to encourage someone else's dieting

DH told me at dinner this week he's gained weight and he wants to go on a diet. I honestly haven't noticed, for all that I focus on my weight I'm super unobservant of other people's weights and I don't notice at all. He's a big guy - 6'3" and has always worn 2XLT shirts.

I feel almost uncomfortable giving someone else dieting advice considering I spent 33 years sucking at it. Plus one of our biggest arguments of my marriage was when DH told me I needed to lose weight. Now, he did tell me this in a loving manner and it was out of concern for my health but I was not in a head space to hear this AT ALL. I was incredibly hurt and it was not a good thing. That was probably 5-6 years ago. And now I regret my reaction.

Anyways, I just don't want to be too enthusiastic about it and get into it giving him tips, etc because I don't want him to think that I NEED him to lose weight because I love him how he is right now and he doesn't need to lose weight for me. I don't want to hurt his feelings at all. He read lots of stuff to help with my weight loss and has read all the info about divorces after the surgery. We have a very strong marriage and I know he's not concerned about that but I want to be helpful without being annoying.

Any advice?

I hear you on the not wanting to give diet advice - it's true, we all sucked at it.  For that reason, I just usually keep my mouth shut when someone brings up the topic.  My DH said the same to me last year, so we both decided he would follow my eating programme, just increase the protien by 25% and carbs by about 10%.  It has been a gentle change but he gets that it's not "dieting" it's about lifestyle.  He has dropped 15lbs.

My husband has been in a similar boat. He's struggled with his weight for years and I certainly hadn't done any better before WLS. It's a weird emotional space to be in.

He logs EVERYTHING on MFP and budgets his calories, and he's down by almost 40lb. Logging is something we have in common, despite my WLS, and a habit we can both stick with. He's responsible for his own numbers, but we can remind each other to log and keep ourselves on track. 

It's now very common for him to ask, "OK, can you look up the numbers on these meatballs? How many should I give you? How many can I have without going over 400 calories?" That works for us, especially because it's just our new normal and there's no judgement on it in either direction.

I did suggest MFP to him, he does like his apps so I thought he might like it. And he's familiar with using it from when I was vigilant with making sure every single thing I ate with our recipes was in it.

I just don't want to be an ass about anything. I know he's not sensitive like I am - we joke that he doesn't have emotions except when it comes to me. But I don't want to unnecessarily be an asshole. I'm probably overthinking lol. I do that.

Yup, I'm uber-sensitive like that too. How about trying the reminders, and if he gets grumpy about it, letting it drop for a bit?

I think that's a good call.

And I think we have a lot in common lol.

I would never offer unsolicited advice. But he asked you, right? If so, he brought up the subject, so I think it's fair game.

If you weigh and log your food, see if he's interested in setting up an account and doing the same. Tell him to just monitor his intake for a while, see what his weight does, and if he sees where he can painlessly cut back.

My second suggestion would be to cut just one thing from his diet. Does he do a lot of chips, pizza, chocolate, etc? See if he can cut just one thing out completely for a while, and see what his weight does.

Then I would stop with the advice. See if he is honestly motivated. It's up to him. If he asks for more input, give it. But don't initiate. Men approach this a little differently from women, but no one likes the food police, as you well know.

There is no reason couples can't work on things like this together. As long as it is mutual.

He did bring it up you're right. And I did go right to tracking food. I suggested to start off with just recording what he's eating so he can see it in black and white. I also suggested MFP. I do weigh everything I eat and because we eat leftovers and generally the same food except he makes pasta, rice, etc to supplement his, he's very used to doing this too.

 I don't track everything I eat anymore in terms of putting it in an app but I do count calories every day and he's very used to me saying and how many calories does this have? Oh I can't have that one today, I need the lower one since that will put me over my calories for the day.

I like the cut one thing out suggestion. He has a massive sweet tooth and can't control himself around chocolate. He has other weaknesses but that's his big one and I know he would not be able to cut that. But I'm guessing he could cut something else.

Thanks for the advice, I needed the male perspective.

The male perspective is, we aren't very smart. Toss a little stubborn onto the cluelessness, and it can be a mess.

It works a lot better with us if it's an infrequent reminder about your concern for his health. Too often, and it becomes annoying, and then we just dig in and tune out. And that's not good for anyone.

Men approach problems differently than women:

Your're right. I showed this to my Husband and he said,Yep that's exactly what should be done for the car.