Binge Eating Disorder

I figure I'll post this here too - it might benefit someone else, which will make sharing my story worthwhile.

I've been afk for a while - life has been busy and complicated since my dad's death.  I've been struggling and I finally acknowledged this and decided it was time to fight.  I posted the following on FB (to a select filtered group of people) and wanted to share it here.  

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I'm feeling like a failure right now. I stopped losing weight when my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer in March 2015. I told myself that was okay, that I'd get back on track when life settled down, and as long as I wasn't gaining weight it would be okay. I still had 30 pounds to lose to reach my hard goal. Since my dad died in April 2016, I've gained 10 pounds. (Don't tell me "it's only 10 pounds." This is a trend, and that's a lot of weight to gain in 3.5 months. Especially when I now need to lose 40.)

I don't know if it's grief brain that's taking up too much of my brain process, leaving me too little to exercise willpower. It seems plausible. I'm not entirely sure it matters. What does matter is that I've been eating. A lot. There is no voice in my head that asks, "Are you sure you want to be doing that?" It's just a matter of thinking about food and then finding that food in my mouth. I feel completely helpless and hopeless.

I feel that I've tried everything. I've tried notes on the fridge, a rubber band to snap, only keeping healthy snacks around (I'll binge on those as readily as I'll binge on anything else), therapy, Overeater's Anonymous, and a billion other things too numerous to list. If you think of it, I'm sure I've tried it, so you don't need to suggest it. It's not even a matter of "don't keep food in the house" because, let's face it, unless I become a hermit there's no real way to keep an adult from buying food.

And I am becoming a hermit. I feel so demotivated and depressed right now. I've skipped my exercise classes this week, which makes COMPLETE sense, because my eating habits are making my entire body unhappy. My stomach is constantly in rebellion and I ache all over. If feeling better isn't a good reason to get back on track, I don't know what is, but even that isn't helping my mind to comply.  

Last night I tried to tell Art what was going on. It took me at least 30 minutes to be able to talk since I was crying. He asked if I'd written anything I could share with him instead and I hadn't. So I'm writing this now. He asked what my plans were. I'm planning on calling my PCP today. I don't like to self-diagnose, but I've read about Binge Eating Disorder in at least three of my classes to date and it's absolutely clear to me that this is what's going on.

Here are the DSM-5 criteria:

"A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:

1. Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar cir****tances.
2. A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).

B. The binge-eating episodes are associated with three (or more) of the following:

1. Eating much more rapidly than normal.
2. Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.
3. Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry.
4. Eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating.
5. Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterward.

C. Marked distress regarding binge eating is present.
D. The binge eating occurs, on average, at least once a week for 3 months.
E. The binge eating is not associated with the recurrent use of inappropriate compensatory behavior as in bulimia nervosa and does not occur exclusively during the course of bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa."

I can check off every single symptom here. Every. Single. One.

I talked with my therapist about this and she thinks that it's plausible. I attempted to find a psychiatrist but met with a combination of: no longer in practice, not taking new patients, not taking my insurance, not returning my calls, not calling me back after I dropped the paperwork off, not returning any of my follow-up calls. And people think mental health care is easy.

So, like I said, I'm going to call my PCP today. She has a history of willingness to try things, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to get a prescription for lisdexamfetamine. I have no idea if my insurance covers it, or if I can even afford it, but it's FDA approved for B.E.D. and I feel like it's the only thing I have left to try. I feel like I just need something, anything, to pauses these self-destructive behaviors so I can regroup and get my act together. I'm hopeful that medication would be a temporary measure. 3 months, 6 months, a year tops.

I had lost 140 pounds. Even with B.E.D., I did that. But right now, I'm just stuck in this negative downward spiral and I need something to help reverse the trend.

----

At the recommendation of friends, I just printed the above and gave it to my doctor. Since I cried a lot. I've cried a lot since Thursday night. 

Then I posted this follow up, since a few people were confused.

---

And one thing I feel I need to clarify, since it's confusing to people even in my own home - my weight is not the issue here. My weight is a symptom of the issue. The issue is that I can't seem to control what I put in my mouth. If I had gained 10 pounds after my dad's death because I felt that I was consciously in control of my eating, that would be okay. The issue is that I don't. And, for me, this is old behavior. Surgery helped me to course correct for a number of different reasons, and I truly believed that I was "cured" of my mental illness, but I was wrong and I've been in denial for the last 16 months.

Now that I've learned how to manage my body, it's time for me to address my brain. I'm not turning to medication to lose weight, I'm turning to medication to try to correct the illness.

---

If you made it through all that, kudos to you!  If you've had experience with Vyvanse - how do you know if the dosage needs to be increased?  What signs should I be looking for?  

Woof...I all I can say about all that is good for you recognizing your patterns and digging in.  I hear ya on the "it's not just 10 lbs." part.  I'm sure someone will chime in on the medication.

Thank you. 

I'm so sorry for your Dad passing. I know you had a lot to deal with & am glad you are back posting on the boards. I wish I had some words of wisdom for ya but I really don't know much about bed. 

I just hope you find some relief soon, & you have my sincerest condolences. 

Thank you very much

I figure I'll post this here too - it might benefit someone else, which will make sharing my story worthwhile.

I've been afk for a while - life has been busy and complicated since my dad's death.  I've been struggling and I finally acknowledged this and decided it was time to fight.  I posted the following on FB (to a select filtered group of people) and wanted to share it here.  

---

I'm feeling like a failure right now. I stopped losing weight when my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer in March 2015. I told myself that was okay, that I'd get back on track when life settled down, and as long as I wasn't gaining weight it would be okay. I still had 30 pounds to lose to reach my hard goal. Since my dad died in April 2016, I've gained 10 pounds. (Don't tell me "it's only 10 pounds." This is a trend, and that's a lot of weight to gain in 3.5 months. Especially when I now need to lose 40.)

I don't know if it's grief brain that's taking up too much of my brain process, leaving me too little to exercise willpower. It seems plausible. I'm not entirely sure it matters. What does matter is that I've been eating. A lot. There is no voice in my head that asks, "Are you sure you want to be doing that?" It's just a matter of thinking about food and then finding that food in my mouth. I feel completely helpless and hopeless.

I feel that I've tried everything. I've tried notes on the fridge, a rubber band to snap, only keeping healthy snacks around (I'll binge on those as readily as I'll binge on anything else), therapy, Overeater's Anonymous, and a billion other things too numerous to list. If you think of it, I'm sure I've tried it, so you don't need to suggest it. It's not even a matter of "don't keep food in the house" because, let's face it, unless I become a hermit there's no real way to keep an adult from buying food.

And I am becoming a hermit. I feel so demotivated and depressed right now. I've skipped my exercise classes this week, which makes COMPLETE sense, because my eating habits are making my entire body unhappy. My stomach is constantly in rebellion and I ache all over. If feeling better isn't a good reason to get back on track, I don't know what is, but even that isn't helping my mind to comply.  

Last night I tried to tell Art what was going on. It took me at least 30 minutes to be able to talk since I was crying. He asked if I'd written anything I could share with him instead and I hadn't. So I'm writing this now. He asked what my plans were. I'm planning on calling my PCP today. I don't like to self-diagnose, but I've read about Binge Eating Disorder in at least three of my classes to date and it's absolutely clear to me that this is what's going on.

Here are the DSM-5 criteria:

"A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:

1. Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar cir****tances.
2. A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).

B. The binge-eating episodes are associated with three (or more) of the following:

1. Eating much more rapidly than normal.
2. Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.
3. Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry.
4. Eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating.
5. Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterward.

C. Marked distress regarding binge eating is present.
D. The binge eating occurs, on average, at least once a week for 3 months.
E. The binge eating is not associated with the recurrent use of inappropriate compensatory behavior as in bulimia nervosa and does not occur exclusively during the course of bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa."

I can check off every single symptom here. Every. Single. One.

I talked with my therapist about this and she thinks that it's plausible. I attempted to find a psychiatrist but met with a combination of: no longer in practice, not taking new patients, not taking my insurance, not returning my calls, not calling me back after I dropped the paperwork off, not returning any of my follow-up calls. And people think mental health care is easy.

So, like I said, I'm going to call my PCP today. She has a history of willingness to try things, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to get a prescription for lisdexamfetamine. I have no idea if my insurance covers it, or if I can even afford it, but it's FDA approved for B.E.D. and I feel like it's the only thing I have left to try. I feel like I just need something, anything, to pauses these self-destructive behaviors so I can regroup and get my act together. I'm hopeful that medication would be a temporary measure. 3 months, 6 months, a year tops.

I had lost 140 pounds. Even with B.E.D., I did that. But right now, I'm just stuck in this negative downward spiral and I need something to help reverse the trend.

----

At the recommendation of friends, I just printed the above and gave it to my doctor. Since I cried a lot. I've cried a lot since Thursday night. 

Then I posted this follow up, since a few people were confused.

---

And one thing I feel I need to clarify, since it's confusing to people even in my own home - my weight is not the issue here. My weight is a symptom of the issue. The issue is that I can't seem to control what I put in my mouth. If I had gained 10 pounds after my dad's death because I felt that I was consciously in control of my eating, that would be okay. The issue is that I don't. And, for me, this is old behavior. Surgery helped me to course correct for a number of different reasons, and I truly believed that I was "cured" of my mental illness, but I was wrong and I've been in denial for the last 16 months.

Now that I've learned how to manage my body, it's time for me to address my brain. I'm not turning to medication to lose weight, I'm turning to medication to try to correct the illness.

---

If you made it through all that, kudos to you!  If you've had experience with Vyvanse - how do you know if the dosage needs to be increased?  What signs should I be looking for?  

I'm so so sorry for this. It does make sense why you have this problem and I am really sorry for losing your father. I've also lost mine so I do know what you are talking about, what you are going through and what are you feeling. I am really sorry for this. Regarding the Vyvanse, I've never have taken it, but there's a friend of mine who gained some lbs while on it... how you know if the dosage needs to be increased? She just told her doctor what she feels like on it and the doctor decided whether it should be decreased or increased... I wish you good luck

Thank you very much.  

I'm actually not worried that I might gain weight on the med if that meant I fixing my BED.  Right now, my eating habits are much more concerning and disturbing than any weight gain!

My deepest sympathies are with you!  My father also died of cancer and it's been a long and hard 2 1/2 years without him.  I think over time I would have adjusted but I just haven't.  I struggle with the same issues of hermiting and binge eating when I get emotional and then I go extreme in the other way with working out and eating to perfection to try and correct myself.  I am still trying to deal with it all and I feel ya.  I wish you all the best and we are certainly glad to have you back!

Thank you very much and I'm so sorry that you're also dealing with the loss of your father.  It sucks, plain and simple.