Struggling 6 years out

Hi there,

I had RNY back in March of 2010....I weighed 309 and got down to 112.

I felt great.

Since then I have gone thru a divorce and other personal issues....and now as of this morning I am back up to 143.   I feel awful and am scared.

I am having a hard time with dealing with my extra skin and summer time now.  I have a boyfriend who when I met we always would tease about boobs  hes a boob man.....and other sexual comments.   Well now that we are a serious couple I can't get those things out of my head. He refers to summer as bikini weather.   This is NOT sitting well in my head.  I get scared to go out anywhere with him now.   I feel self conscious about my body and extra skin.  I can't wear a bikini!!!    He wants to take me to the beach tonight after he gets out of work and I'm panicking and thoughts keep rushing thru my head!!  I know there will be girls in bikinis there and I know he will look....repeatedly probably.    He is a people watcher and when I am with him I feel I am not the most important person in the world cause he is looking all around at others ....and well, me being self conscious anymore I feel he is constantly looking at girls......UGHHHHHHH

Can anyone please set me straight and help me and my thoughts??

Thank you,

Tari 

Unfortunately, you might need more professional help to deal with your insecurities. I say lovingly as a person who has spent years in therapy. I'm willing to talk to you more if you want to PM me. 

I'm not a vet but would suggest to start logging your food into my fitness pal if you want to lose again. You will need to eat less calories to lose.

If your boyfriend is staring at other chicks repeatedly and making you uncomfortable with comments about your body then that is a totally different situation. You should wear what you are comfortable with even if that is a t-shirt over your swimsuit. Do what makes you comfortable.

I agree with the others.  You are really dealing with 2 different, but linked, issues.  One is regain and the other is insecurity about your body.

Face it, even before you had a regain you had extra skin so the regain isn't the issue.  Even if you were 112 still you would be worried about how you looked in a bikini.  Even people who have never been obese worry about how they look in a bikini. 

In the past when I lost weight and got a new boyfriend I also felt like a fraud, like they thought they were getting a thin girlfriend but they were really getting a fat person in a thin suit.  Adding to the insecurity was the fear that if I regained the weight they would leave me.  I knew they never would have gone out with the morbidly obese me.  So I lived in fear.  And I would eat that fear and have more fear.

My boyfriend met the morbidly obese me.  And has seen me through so many weight loses and gains I couldn't even count.  I know that if I were to regain my weight he would still be there.  That gives me peace but not an excuse to regain.

You need to be at peace with yourself and with your partner.  You may get to the point where you don't worry about him leaving you.  Or you may realize that he is a shallow person who only wants to be with a thin person.  And someone who will make your life miserable with every pound you gain.  Is that who you want to be with?

It really isn't about him.  It really is an inside job.  Your don't need to worry so much about the regain as you do about your emotions.  Counseling will help you come to terms with a lot of things that contribute to the eating.  Dealing with your problems by trying to lose weight will only make things worse.  Dealing with your problems will help you lose the weight and keep it off by going at the reasons you eat.  You can't solve your problems by trying to fix the results of those problems, you need to treat the cause of your issues to fix those results.

I wish you well.

My present ( 12 years younger ) boyfriend always was totally turned on by my ( 143 lb when he met me 5'9") body .  I had some loose skin on my tummy and arms , a flat butt he made fun of , thank God good boobs .. he used to say he was making pizza dough with my tummy... meanie ...

Anyway I finally did what I had long dreamed of and had an armlift LBL and thighlift lipo and Brazilian butt transfer .  Couldn't be happier with the results .

My body went from Hot to BANGING!!

  I LOVE wearing the shortest of shortshorts crop tops tank tops and barely there bikinis now two months later .  My scars are flat and don't show with a touch of concealer .

I was worried I'd be nervous to fall down speed skating playing volleyball and basketball or feel otherwise restricted in movement ... not in the slightest.. I feel LIGHTER and more athletic !

It took a while to heal and I had iron issues which I think caused some mystifying depression but they're over now I hope .

Hi Tari,

I have a list of suggestions to help you get back on track I will send you.  

Have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, how his comments make you feel.  He may not realize the affect it has on you.  If you do share your feelings and he keeps being insensitive with your situation then dump the bum!  When you truly love someone you respect and go out of your way to make them feel loved!

Check your PM (private messages)

Good Luck!

You can weigh more, or weigh less; feel good about your body, or not. But you can't make your boyfriend not act like an ass. It's not your body that needs to change, it's your relationship. He really shouldn't be treating you this way.

Honestly. aren't all boyfriendz asses .. just saying... especially the hot ones?

I GOTTA want a HOT one

There are very few of us good ones out there. (saying jokingly with sarcasm)

I think you have some serious problems in your relationship which are exacerbating your self-esteem issues.

If your boyfriend is ogling other women in front of you, that's disrespectful to you.  Have you spoken with him about your weight gain?  Is he making negative comments about your body?  If so, you might want to 

You cannot change him.  You can only change yourself.