Am I totally awful? 18+ only please. TY

DTMFA

Imma tell u what that is ur feeling ....the fairgodmother that is inside of u  giving u back ur confidence so now u are able to see him threw a clearer eye when u are the one inside the situation u dont see REDFLAGS as well as the outsiders do if he is giving u stipulations on marrying you u dont need his proposal if ur personality and love for him is not enough believe me hun u dont want him either marriage does not fix problems they only add to it think it thru all the way and start recognizing the redflags

Oy! I don't think you're conceited at all. It sounds like you just woke up to the fact that getting some confidence is good for you. I've seen so many women settle because they think they're not worthy due to their weight, looks, etc. Of course, it's just not women who think they're unworthy.

I think he is a shallow **** head if looks are so important. I realize that with WLS one does get thinner, and some do not regain. So let's talk about the hypothetical. He likes your pretty face. You get all thin and he's willing to marry you now that you're thin. What would he do if something happened to your pretty face. I wouldn't wish disfiguring injuries, but they do happen. Would he leave you? Or will your face still be pleasing to him when you're old, wrinkled, and have a few hairs popping out on your chin?

Quite frankly, I would not want to spend my life worrying about a man leaving me because I'm fat or got old or he didn't  like the stretch marks I got having his baby.

I've been married for 41 years. Neither one of us is as thin as we were when we met. He's getting balder every day. On occasion I wish he'd just accept it and get rid of that comb over, but I didn't marry him for his hair. And I wear my hair short even though I know he prefers long hair.  I love him, his assets and flaws and he returns that love in the same manner. And if he ever said he didn't like the way I looked, I'd make sure he'd never be forced to put up with it. I wouldn't be around and he could find someone who is stupid enough to think that looks not only matter, but last. There's nothing wrong with someone having physical preferences. But if they place that above character and other things that make a person unique, then run  away as fast as your increasingly skinny legs can take you. Find someone who loves all of you and not just your face and figure.

I think you knew the answer to your question when you posted it. You just wanted to see condirmation of what you were feeling.

You know this relationship isn't good and you need to leave. As scary as it is, better to leave now than have to divorce, or be abused by him.

Please take care of yourself. Get help from family if you need it.

Please, please please listen. I've been through something similar before. Not about my weight, but with a man who I knew I deserved better than. (because he was always chatting up other women and having internet relationships and giving them the attention I much needed.) I would lay in bed and cry because he was on the computer. I just knew that it was bc I was fat, but honestly, to look at the other women, it didn't matter what size or age. He just wasn't satisfied with me. At the end of our too long eight years, I started talking to a few guys for attention and he flipped. Not fair, right? Well he always promised to stop and I kept hoping he would. I would fantasize about meeting someone that put me as their number one. I knew I deserved to be loved the way I NEED. Finally, I left, and stated dating another. But now I am almost in the same situation again.Except its not girls, it's computer games. I am alright with that for now, but if my mindset changes like yours is, then I will not feel guilty for leaving. I will see it as a new chapter. Not putting other's need before mine and my children. (BTW, why would you want to have children with this man??? What if its a girl? And she gets overweight? Would you want him critisizing her and telling her she will never wed if she isn't skinny? My father was like that, and let me tell you I'm still in therapy.)

Please realize your self worth. Everyone here knows he is not a good man. He is not worthy of you. You're obviously a sweet girl, posting here asking if we think your being "mean" for having second thoughts. ANY woman who knows her self worth would never have even given that guy the time of day. You're not bad for wanting to be loved the right way. You're not bad for hoping he changes. But this is the cold truth, most guys don't change, and it only gets worse from there. Especially after marriage. Please don't marry him! Ditch him and in a few months you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Do not settle for that jerk. If he is so shallow that he did not want to marry you before WLS, it is obvious he doesn't truly love you or care about you. You deserve much better ...as a matter of fact every woman deserves better than that shallow man! Kick him to the curb.....run and don't look back!

My x told me I was too fat to take out in public. I had just given birth to a almost 10 pound baby . I weighed 135 pounds !!!! By the time my self esteem was as low as it goes I had three children and over. 200 pounds. This was 40 years ago. The scars that this man is giving you will NEVER go away. Run, RUN don't walk away as fast as you can. PLEASE!! Don't make my mistake. I was 210 when I married my present hubby, went up to almost 300 and he never said a word. When I lost 135, I don't think he noticed. A GOOD man will respect you at any size. His problems are just that HIS 

I didn't read all the other responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating.  It sounds to me that your self esteem is very low.  As a human being, you are FREE to think anything you want without guilt or worrying what others might think if they knew what you were thinking.  It's your personal, private mind - think whatever you want without any guilt or shame - we're free in our own minds!  What matters more is what you do and say.  Actions do speak louder than words.  Judge Judy always says, if something doesn't add up, it means it's a lie.  The truth always adds up and feels right.  So, trust what your gut is telling you!  Listen to that tiny voice inside that guides you to know that you deserve to have someone who loves you for YOU - regardless of size or body condition.  You already know that's not healthy, strong, true love!   Please, find a good therapist and go see them regularly!  You're worth it.   ...and dump the conditional 'love'.

Hi,

I'm 47 and have loved and been married to the same man for 26 years.  They say marriage is a committment not just because of the till death do us part but because it is work. Its takes attentive, pourposeful dedication to each other and this is ongoing. As a couple we will continually grow and change. As a 47 year old I know I think differently than at 21 and so does my husband. He saw me at my thinnest and at my heaviest and he never used it against me. We had problems at times and worked through them. We grew. I would like for you to take time, lots of time, theres no rush, you have many years ahead to enjoy, lots and lots of nights for sex. Find your happiness first, and it is never given to you by a partner. Good luck.

J.O.

This is a poignant perspective:

He saw me at my thinnest and at my heaviest and he never used it against me.