Am I totally awful? 18+ only please. TY

You deserve better.  My husband loved me at 449 lbs and never made a single comment about my weight.  Men like this will find any excuse if they don't want a relationship with you.

Move along. You're so young and your life holds many exciting opportunities ahead.  This is not the guy for you.  Don't settle.

I have several rules (well lots), but one in relates to this. If you didn't give me the time of day before I lost weight, then you are not worthy of my time of day after I've lost weight. I'm still me!!

"you is kind, you is smart, you is important"

Kick this loser to the curb and focus on you. God will lead you to the right person.

I love that movie. No matter what life throws at you, always remember that quote from "The Help"

I think your finally seeing what your BFF would see if she was looking at the situation.  She probably told you go on and see if you can make it work with Mr Miles Away.  Then after years she'd probably have told you to come home and stop waiting on this twit.  He want's a skinny girl, please! What you should want in a partner male or female is things like: love, companionships, they feel like someone you talking to and hanging out with, they are supportive, have similar life goals, love to do similar things as you, tells you that your awesome and the only person they'd ever want to be with, tell you that your their rock and you feel like they are yours.  You can see at least my list didn't have one thing to do with how they looked.  Of course your partner should be attractive to you but I had a shocking realization I loved my male BFF at the time and I'd only ever been with women.  What a shocker to me but I found that I loved him for the reasons above and I had looked past what typically I thought was attractive.  

So back to what your asking... I think you are gaining some confidence.  Your loosing weight, your feeling better, your looking forward and thinking... I want a good partner and your looking at what you have and you have questions about him.  I think this is totally normal.  It sounds like if you look in the spouses forum on OH, WLS can play a role in how people feel about each other both as the person with WLS and as the person who didn't.  

I say look at yourself and where you want to go in life and ask yourself if Mr Miles Away is still right here with you or really just still Miles Away from who you need in your life.  

I don't think you are awful at all. I think he is kind of awful. Not wanting to marry you since you were obese. I think you need to kick him to the curb. You deserve to be treated with respect. Regardless of what size you are. 

I think you need to take care of yourself. We all deserve to be loved. No one should settle for anything. 

Something that I haven't seen discussed here:

Don't get married because you want to have sex. Waiting (if that's your choice) sucks. But rushing into marriage because you want to lose the V card with someone who won't be around for the long haul isn't good for anybody.

(This is coming from someone who did the whole abstinence thing, and saw a lot of friends get into rough situations because of similar.)

No, you are not being mean.  No, you are not adopting a conceited mindset.  What you are doing is becoming yourself and realizing that you have worth and value all in your own self, and that you don't have to take no **** from nobody.

I have been with my husband for 40 years, married to him for coming up 37 in September.  When he met me I was what I would call "average" size, maybe a little on the curvy side, and not what would have been considered "pretty" in 1976.  I was too tall (5'8"), too big-boned, and I had curly hair when straight (or like Farrah Fawcett's) was in style.  I am about 1-1/2" shorter than my husband I towered over him in my platform shoes.

He's seen me thin, he's seen me fat, he's seen me thin again, fatter, thin again, fatter, fatter still, borderline enormous -- and he's been there every step of the way.  When I was completely out of control strung out on coffee and cigarettes and we hadn't even been married for a year.  When I was fat and getting fatter and could barely rouse myself out of my bed.  

He stayed because, as he once told me when I asked why he had, that he loved me and knew that I would figure it out one day.  He didn't like it when I was fat but he didn't say much.  When I decided to have my surgery almost 16 years ago (on April 17) he was worried but went along with it.  He never made me feel less than.  He never made me feel ugly.  He never made me feel unworthy.

Which is not to say that I didn't hold him responsible for a lot of what what wrong with me (which I have since worked out in therapy) and blame him for stuff he had nothing to do with.  

He never qualified his love for me.  It was never "If you lose 10 pounds (or 50, or 100) I will love you more, or I might consider loving you again.  If you do something about that Human Shar-Pei thing you got going on I will love you more, or I might consider loving you again."  He always just loved me.  Period.

If your man doesn't love you, period, he's just not worth it.  You are.

And think about how much fun it will be to lose about 180 pounds in less than 60 seconds.

You can do so much better. I also agree that you shouldn't get married just to have sex. Women do not become less valuable once they have sex. I grew up in that culture, so I know all about it. Do what you want, but I urge you not to rush into marriage because you want to preserve your v card (a term that I loath btw).

I'd ditch that jerk in a heartbeat, if you haven't already. 

Why would you want someone who only wants you if you are a certain size?  Think long term for a second.  Your body is going to change over the years.  You may have regain at some point.  If you have children, you'll certainly get bigger, at least while you're carrying them.  What about when you're breasts aren't as perky after having kiddos, etc?

The fact that it's your weight that's important to him is a huge red flag that he is focused on physical attractiveness.  What happens if, God-forbid -  you get in some kind of accident and your face is marred or you end up a paraplegic or worse?  What if you need a mastectomy or some such?

Do you want to worry about being attractive enough for someone like him for the rest of your life?  Have you thought about what living like that day in and day out will do to your self esteem?

We just don't know what's around the bend for us, other than the certainty that bodies change over time for a multitude of reasons. 

Wait for someone who loves  your soul.  You are worth it.

Listen up Ojrsmith4 and Kansas Princess what is happening to you is that your brain cells are starting to connect and you are becoming wonderful, confident young women who are learning to love yourselves!! You are both being verbally and mentally abused by people who are selfish, self-centered and juvenile.

You both deserve "real men" who love you for who you are, the way you are right now, not when you reach their level of perfection or when they decide the time is right! My hubby and I have been married over thirty years, he has seen me fat, skinny, after a mastectomy and now he takes care of me and the house because I'm bed ridden with health issues. He has never complained about my looks or that I have 1 boob or that he has to now take care of everything. He is more concerned that he may lose me than what I look like, THAT is a REAL man. That is the kind of man you want to look for.

You both mentioned being afraid of being sad and what if it doesn't work being on your own! Well what if you aren't sad, what if it all goes great, what if you are happier than you've ever been???!!!! What if you take some college classes or join some groups, do some volunteer work at the humane society, you can meet really awesome, caring people there. Like hot guys or nice ladies with awesome brothers or friends that would treat you like queens! No not every minute of every day is gonna be action packed but it can be fun and interesting and YOU can choose what you do and with whom! I absolutely loved being single and didn't get married until I was 35 but by then I had sowed all of my wild oats and was ready for a permanent relationship. My hubby ended up being the brother and cousin of 2 of my best friends in high school!! Gotta love small towns!!!

Kansas Princess this is for you especially please get yourself out of the relationship you are in, it is very dangerous and these ex-cons are notorious for picking up on insecure overweight girls who will think they are special because he picked her. Well they pick you because they know they can use you. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but I also have seen this happen to so very many of the ladies I know irl. They separate you from your family and friends so you have no support and can't get away from them, this is also why you can't go anywhere without them and why they get jealous of other men. They are control freaks and if he isn't already hitting you, he will be before he lets you go.

So I advise you to contact someone like YWCA to see if they can turn you on to some resources to help you get out of this abusive relationship and I pray you don't have kids together in this mess but if you do then you even more so need to get out of there and to a safe house. I'm dead serious you are in a very scary situation. Please listen to what I am saying because I have seen this played out too many times before!

Now Ojrsmith4 your situation is much less dire so you just need to break it off with this guy and start getting to know other young men. Join a church if you are of that persuasion or take some evening college courses and start spreading your wings and see what else is out there. You are both beautiful young ladies and deserve nothing but the best in life. Make a list of what you want in a man, that is what I did and I didn't even consider any guy unless he met at least 1/2 of what I was looking for in the first meeting. Then over time I could see if he measured up to the rest and if he was close enough to meet my high standards. I knew I could support myself financially and live single if I had to so I was secure in myself which is very attractive to good men. Not in a way where you end up supporting them but in the way where you can work as a team.

So ladies go out there and grab the world you deserve and don't settle for less!!