Am I totally awful? 18+ only please. TY

Hi all. Got a weird situation. Not sure if I'm completely just being mean because I feel more confident.... 

Anyway, I am 23 I've been in a relationship for 5 years. I moved across the country to be with my boyfriend who promised marriage. (we're abstinent until marriage, so yeah). Anyway he has been avoiding marrying me for years. Primarily because I was not attractive enough. While he thinks I have a pretty face, he said that he would never marry a fat person. (by the way he himself is about 50lbs overweight). I have been struggling to lose weight on my own. Last year I lost 30lbs and got down to 278. I was stoked. Then I gained it all back and went up to 327. I am now 289 thanks to ye ole VSG. I occasionally saw him staring at other girls in pubic, but they never ever looked like me. I just chalked it up to what people assume is generally attractive. So, I'm different, big deal. 

I don't think that there is anything wrong with people having their own psychical preferences. But, now that I lost around 40lbs I am rethinking things. Is that awful? I mean I did this- in part- so I could have a better shot at finding a husband because I'm abstinent. I'm not willing to give up my V to a non-husband because it's something that is very important to me, but I feeling a little frustrated. Now that he is talking about marriage so often, it makes me kind of feel weird. I almost have that "oh, you think you'll want me when I'm finally skinny, but you didn't want me before" kind of notion. I feel guilty for thinking it, but I have been thinking lately that I can do better, way better. I'm not sure if I am adopting a conceited mindset, or if I am just really realizing it. IDK any thoughts. 

I would suggest you do not rush into marriage. If he does not love and respect you now it will not change. He sounds very shallow. You are only 23. Do not rush into marriage. 

I would suggest you lose the weight YOU want to lose for you. Then decide what you really want in a marriage partner.

Don't settle. You deserve someone that will love you at any size.  Now that your self esteem will improve you may be able to see that you DO deserve better.  Take care of yourself and love yourself first. 

Hey! 

First of all congrats on your weight loss so far!! Be proud of yourself, you've totally earned it!

Now down to the nitty gritty.  In my very honest opinion, if you are having these doubts and feelings now they will not improve IF you marry this guy.  I don't care what size you or any other person is, we all deserve to be appreciated and treated like the most special person in the world by our significant other.  I am a firm believer in "intuition" and if yours is telling you he wouldn't/won't marry you because you are overweight, then you are probably right.  From your post I don't get the impression that you are adopting a conceited mindset, you are finally beginning to realize you deserve everything a "thin" person does!  Trust me, I know it can be hard to believe you deserve better when you are not happy with yourself.  I have to work on my mindset every single day on this journey.  But we do deserve to be with someone who loves every single part of us, not just when we are "thin". I will not tell you what to do but based on your post, I think you can do so much better than the guy your with now!  You are still young! (yeah yeah yeah, lol I get tired of hearing that from people too regarding my love life, I'm 26 and single) But it is so true! Just think of all the people in the world that are out there for you to meet and the experiences that await you!!  

Please continue to develop you new found confidence and WERK it girl!  Pray about the situation (if that's something you believe it).  Listen to your intuition.  The right answers will come to you, just make sure you are open to hearing them and prepared to take action.  Most importantly, don't forget you deserve the world and never let someone make you feel as though you don't!!

If you ever want to chat or need someone to bounce ideas off of please feel free to message me! We are all in this together here!

Chelsy :)

My husband fell for me and I gained 75lbs AFTER we were married. I weighed 215 when we met, I topped out at 291.   He loved me the whole time, regardless of how I looked.  He's proud of me now, but he was loving and proud of me when I was SMO.

You should do what's right for you, and personally I think that means re-evaluating your relationship and the reason you are with this man.

Good luck!

I agree with D,

I gained 80 pounds after I got married and I was obese when we got married. My husband never said a word about it. Now that I've lost almost 100 pounds I asked him one time about was he unhappy that I gained so much weight. He said he honestly didn't even think about it or question it. A quality person would love you if you weighed 600 pounds or 100.

Don't settle for someone that can't see the value in you regardless of your size.

I've never dated someone who knew me when I was heavy and did not ask me out - there is something in my make-up where I think "If I wasn't good/pretty/thin enough for you then, then I am still not -because I am still me."  I would be really careful about marrying someone who couldn't see the real me under the excess weight.  At only 23, you have a lot of living before you pick Mr. Right. Your hormones seem to be propelling you into marriage and he just happens to be there. Not a recipe for a long term happy marriage.  

If you do want to change your mind and not marry him  - there is no reason to feel bad that you moved across county to marry him - that discovery is part of the process.  At this point you have not messed up your life by marrying the wrong person and your job now is to decide if he is the right person - your goal is not necessarily to have a wedding with him.

PS I am not sure that the guys who asked me out when I was thin ever connected that me with the me that was overweight woman that didn't even speak to.

I was being too polite - I agree with Laura from Texas,  kick him to the curb - he is too immature to be with.  Do not marry anyone until you have been at goal weight for 2 years - get the surgery, get the weight off, then live it up for two years before you get married.  You do not know what you will want out of life until you get the weight off and do all sorts of new things - that should be your focus, not this a-hole *****inforces that you are not lovable until you lose the weight. 

this sounds like me. I have a bf who is 16 yrs. older than I am. we talked about marriage and children when we 1st got together. now that we have been together over a yr. I just don't see him as marriage material or father to my children material. I cant stand him half the time. and we live together. his grown children call me mom. I feel like I can get better, as far as someone who can work 40 hrs. a week help around the house, pay his own bills. this one doesn't. and he talks to me so bad. he says he" supports my journey" but he really doesn't. I cant go to the gym. I have to be home right after work. he talks so bad to me. he hates my family. and yet he talks about marriage now more than ever. but at the same time he says you cant get smaller than 170 or im leaving he wants me big and says it too.

I hope you are planning your exit now. 

PS If I were his kids, I would call you wonderful - they've prob had to take care of Dad before you came along.  Stop paying his bills and put that $$ in a fund to use for a down payment on a place of your own.