How do address WLS with a spouse.

Many of you will recognize me, I've become a regular, mostly on the RNY boards. I had RNY in August, and have lost over 100lbs since I started my journey. I'm less than 20lbs from my surgeons goal, and even though I plan on pushing past that weight, I have less than 50lbs to lose to get there. I am more than 2/3 of the way to goal and I'm excited about reaching it.

The purpose of this post is because I'm worried about my husband. He is obese with a BMI of around 37. So, he's on the lower end of what would qualify him for WLS. He has several comorbidities that are very concerning for me. I really would like him to consider having RNY, but he has mentioned several times that he doesn't think it's for him. He acknowledges that he is an emotional eater, and he beleives he would just scew everything up. He has made changes since I had surgery, and since I am the primary cook in the house, he eats a lot less **** The problem is that he travels often for work, and when he is on the road his diet is horrendous. Obviously, because I'm the cook I can control what we do at home, but he's a grown man and can eat what he wants when he's out.

He has expressed a desire to lose weight, and I get so frustrated when he orders pizza when he's out, or drives through McDonalds for lunch. I know I can't make him do anything, and I know that he has to come to it by himself, but I'm really, really starting to get worried for him. Last time he had blood work his A1C was over 7, which was down quite a bit from 8.5 last summer.

Right now he's taking Lantus, Victoza and Metformin to manage his diabetes, as well as a statin for cholesterol. He has sleep apnea and uses a cpap. He's had unexplained pain in his joints that a surgeon has attributed to his diabetes, and I'm worried he's going to have permanent damage if he doesn't do something soon. We are only in our early 40s and have a young son who we need to be around for.

Any advice on how to address this with him, or should I just wait until I reach goal? I've had a pretty easy go of it, and I'm feeling like I'm a good example of how well WLS can work.

How did you feel (before surgery) when others told you what you needed to do to lose weight? Even if they were super-excited and were ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN it would work for you?

Yeah, he might feel that way, too.

It's great that you're worried about him, but it's his body and his choice, same as it is for you, end of story.

That's why I've kept my trap mostly shut about it. Thanks for your honesty.  

Maybe your new eating habits and stuff will wear off on him. ?  Some times people have to see to believe.  He will make that choice to improve himself when he is ready!  

I am a recovering over eater and my wife is a recovering alcoholic.  The similarities are incredible.  Neither one of us did anything to address our problems until Each of us was ready.  Everyone has a different bottom.  My wife addressed her problem first and I actually admired her change in life style.  I decided if she could I could.  He might take your lead if he sees everything you can do that he can't or struggles with.  But it is his choice.  Good luck!

I agree with spArklekitty. He is a grown man,as you have said,and you are his wife,not his mother. Wives and mothers play very different rolls. You also aren't the food police. 

Even if he ends up seriously damaging himself,it is his choice and his job to manage his life. You can't do it for him ,not today and not ever. It is a sad fact of life.

Al Anon is a group where you learn how to live with loved ones who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.  They teach you the three C's.

Food addiction causes the same anxieties for the people who live with the food addict. 

The three C's are:

1. I did not Cause it
2. I cannot Control it
3. I cannot Cure it

Your husband will have to make the decision to change and he may never do that.  All you can do is love him.  That is all we can do for another person.  Just for another perspective I had a brother-in-law who was very overweight, had very bad diabetes, ate all the wrong things and lived to be 89.

If he does not change his life style, no WlS will help him. It may even makes it worse.

A girl I know had RNY and initially she lost app 120 lbs, (out of 250 she needed to lose) but never got to goal, and now I think she is back to the same weight she was preop plus she deals with RH, low iron, plus a few more things... She never changed what she ate... 

My bf was not taking care of his health and I did fuss at him several times over it the past few years (but I knew I could not make choices for him). Last May he had a stroke. It took a stroke for him to realize he needed to take care of his health. Thankfully he made a full recovery. 

If he were my husband, I would yell at him. It's selfish for him to do this to himself. If he is bedridden due to a stroke or losing his limbs from complications from diabetes, YOU and your son will have to take care of him for the rest of his life. Make sure his life insurance is sufficient in case of death.

I do not ever want to be a burden to my kids due to my bad choices. I will fight every day for my health.

Thanks for the input everyone,  I take all seriously.  I will say that he had been making changes,  and honestly trying. I'm hoping that is a non issue and something clicks for him and he is able to make long term changes on his own.  Or he may get to a point where he sees that his struggles are not working for him and changes his mind about surgery.  There is a chance that he will never make the changes that he needs to.

When I was at my highest weight I was having a hard time getting around and mentioned, mostly in jest, that I wanted to use the motorized scooters at the grocery store. He told me that if I ever gave in and did that he would consider divorcing me because it meant I had completely given up.  I never used one,  and would rather cut my trip short than "give up".  His honesty pushed me when I was ready to give in. 

I think I'll always stick by my husband as long as he never gives up on himself.  Maybe we're too hard on each other,  and too selfish, but I want to be with someone who cares enough about themselves,  even if they fail,  they have to keep trying.