How Not to be a Jerk to Fat People

I was figuratively on my feet applauding your words until I got to your bolded statement. I. too, started at super morbid and size 32 jeans.

While your statements ring true for you; I just want to offer another perspective:

1. I often find it incredulous that I can now wear a size 12; even a vanity size 12. That's not necessarily seeking approval. For me, it's stating my incredulousness with those who may relate. It was good to have people support me in bad times, it's exhilarating to share good news. I've lost friends who, for reasons of their own, didn't like to see me happy.
2. I don't believe that anyone is responsible for my feelings other than myself. It's taken me years to learn how to respond to things. It's a skill that was developed and if I can learn that, anyone can. Yes, it takes time, yet it is so rewarding to own my feelings.

If I feel ****ty because someone constantly may celebrate their size 6, it's my feelings.

Again, this is just the perspective I have now that I'm in my mid 60's. Life would have been easier if I learned this when I was younger, yet I'm thrilled beyond words that I have learned this so that I won't go to my grave blaming others for the way I feel.

Sometimes when I wade through some of the posts you so elloquently refer to, I am struck by how OH has changed over the 10 years I've been coming here.  Goal weights on the tickers in particular.  I am 5'4 - completely average height.  And when I was beginning my first WLS journey in 2006, the average Goal weight posted on tickers for women of my height was 150-160 pounds.  Not the classic 135 that we see today.  

It's funny becausee back then - I'd a given my left arm to weigh 160 pounds and wear clothes from any place other than Lane Bryant.  That was basically my goal.  Today, if you aren't on here claiming to wear a size 2 from Old Navy and being afraid of losing too much weight, then you come off as a failure.  WTH?

BTW - it makes me glad that you still feel connected to the person you have always been and that you love yourself, warts and all.  That is what will keep you on the right side of your obesity.  Your dedication, determination and willingness to be so open and honest with yourself and with us is humbling.  Thank you for being you. 

My goal is 175 and I've been beating myself up all the time when I see people talking about how 175 is sooo heavy and they have to get down to 125. For the last 10 months I've been trying to remind myself that will be 202 ******g pounds less than before dammit! And I truly don't care what size I'll be in the end. 

I did this for my health and that's why I realized the other day I never had a size goal - a dress size. I set 175 as an arbitrary goal and had no idea what that would mean for a dress size. But I hoped that would mean no more cpap, less medicine, migraines way way way lessened and most of all my gynecological bleeding stopped which equaled a lower cancer risk. Being a smaller size was a great bonus to all of that. 

I am loving you so hard right now.  Please don't beat yourself up over a random number.  Your 175 is the same as my 135.  It represents the same thing - Health.  

Health in the sense of no meds, no sleep apnea, diabetes in remission, less aches and more energy, lower risk for all kinds of disease.  Looking good and feeling good about ourselves are serious bonuses and the better selection of clothes too! I think Health and all it means should be The Goal.  That message often gets lost in all the posts - but that is the main purpose of WLS.

In French there is a saying that I absolutely love.  I 've used it to describe my teenage sons when  I want to describe to someone their inner happiness and contentment. The saying is d'etre bien dans sa peau or 'to be happy in one's skin'.  Since reaching my goals (there have been several and not all weight related) I finally understand this expression and can honestly say that it applies to how I feel now that I am in maintenance.  It is an awesome feeling and has little to do with the number on my scale each morning.

You are so rocking your surgery!  You have nothing to feel discouraged about.    Ash

I've really been feeling that way lately - the happy in one's skin way - or trying to be! Each medical goal I get to mark off my list is one thing I can't believe is real. It had never even occurred to me to have surgery for vanity reasons, no one had ever even suggested I have the surgery. Not even medical people.  Until I had to have surgery in 2014 and my GYN surgeon told me if I didn't lose massive weight and soon my risk of cervical and ovarian cancer would be even greater than it already is due to genetics. 3 months later I was at the surgeon's office. I've had a bilateral mastectomy and an oophorectomy at age 25 to lower my cancer risk - the idea that I could die from cancer still and leave my husband due to my weight scare the crap out of me!!!

But the closer I get to my goal the happier I am because I realize that I'm already off the CPAP, my migraines are lessened and the bleeding stopped a long time ago. But I am still going to hit that damn goal lol!

You are doing great mute & I'm so with you on the health aspect. I wish the tickers could be changed to health goals rather than weight goals. Like you said 1 goal get off the meds, another lower your cancer risk, another be off the cpap etc. I think it's a good suggestion to oh, but jeez it'd mean another upgrade. 

I wish I could get back the couple of years that I spent really struggling with accepting that I simply don't have a size 2 or 4 or 6 body... even if had 15% body fat. My thighs are never going to fit in a size 6 pair of pants and my boobs are never going to fit in a size Small shirt.  Does that make me any LESS anything?  Of course not.  

One of the changes that I have seen here -- but I fear is changing back again -- is that there were some people on Oh when I joined *****ally seemed to believe (or were trying to get otehr to believe) that if you weren't a single digit size you were somehow a WLS failure.  That mentality seemed to fade for several years, and just about the time I had thought/hoped it was gone forever, I noticed it starting to rear its ugly head again in a number of posts.

No matter what your clothing size, it is the size of your heart, your brain, your humor, your compassion, etc. that determines your value.

 All of this. I don't wear a single digit size and maybe I never will. I am okay with it. My health is much better than it was presurgery, and my risk of dying from obesity is far less.

It's a damn shame that some people are busy worrying about clothing sizes to the exclusion of all else.

Best.  Post.  Ever. 

Like you Kat, I was SMO and buying clothes could only be done online.  Right now I'm wearing size 18/20 jeans which is a huge deal for me, but as you mention it is also the size at which some other OH members start.  I do not begrudge anyone their success, but some of us will never wear a size 2.  

I love this post.  It's something for everyone to consider.

Kat, thank you so much for posting this topic.   I have been feeling really bad about myself lately, not for being a slower loser but for seeing people much less than my weight post they are in a single digit size, It feels defeating reading this over and over lately.  I would have given anything to be a size 12 years ago and now I feel like I am some sort of wls reject because of it. I have a pretty thick skin but insensitivity is just that- aka posts that "I don't know where to get those single digit size clothes or wow I can't shop at Lane Bryant anymore" etc.. And fyi for anyone who doesn't know, Lane Bryant does carry size 12.... I am happy for everyone's success, however, I feel like those types of posts are direct stabs and jabs, even though it was not aimed at myself or others directly...  My self esteem goes in the toilet.  I actually considered leaving the board here until the bragging faded. I haven't yet  because there are so many wonderful posts and I have learned so much here. I truly appreciate you bringing this subject up and broaching it with tact and sensitivity. 

Susie