When to tell and who?

This is a discussion that comes up quite frequently and the answer is different for everyone. I chose to tell my husband and my two daughters who I knew would be of great support. I did not tell my son or his wife as I knew they would not be supportive, particularly the DIL. From then on any thing wrong with me would be the result of the dreadful decision according to her! My best friend and I had our surgeries together. Though she knew I did not want people to know she did let it slip to a friend of hers who in turn told someone else but so far as I know it has not gone any further than that. We have no-one in common for them to babble to. As to the weight loss. I was very surprised that no-one noticed my weight loss till 50 lbs was gone, not friends and not my son and DIL. By that time it was 8 mths ( I lost slowly) since I first started losing weight so it seemed reasonable to say I had been working at it for that long.

So many people are so judgemental and I  just did not want to deal with that and defending my choice which I had taken a long time to make. I felt and still feel it is a very personal thing and you have every right to remain private about it.

I am sorry you are not getting more support and understanding from your boyfriend and best friend. With obese relatives  and friends it is very hard. You can get everything from support and interest to feeling you are rejecting them and their choices.

I wish you all luck and success along with peace at your choice.

Thank you! It is my choice and I am not changing it because of them.... I am overweight because of the choices that I have made but I have always put myself last and that has never helped me loose weight. I like the approach of just waiting for people to notice and if they ask tell them.... or don't. Its my choice (-:

You are not alone in putting everyone else first. I also did that and it was part of my problem. I cooked for their tastes etc and was often too tired to make something "better " for me or was tempted by the smells. Finally after 4 yrs of caring for a handicapped husband I knew it was time to do something for me (of course it makes me more able to care for him but that wasn't the point at the time). Should have done it years ago. Another advantage of not telling people is you don't get the "Oh I thought you'd have lost more by now" and other upsetting comments. You can just heal and chug along at your own comfy pace.

You are your best support system. At the end of the day...it is you that is looking back in the mirror. Pat yourself on the back and move on. You dont need sympathy for the decision you make, nor do you need people to hide from you when they are eating. I had VSG 25 years ago. My side of the family including all my mother, her sisters and all my cousins are obese. I only told my Mom but she always had mixed emotions over the years of my weight loss. I know she told some of her siblings but it was never discussed with me. I had my husband come with me to a few meetings with the surgeon and at the time my kids were small and just knew Mommy went to the hospital to have surgery. I know my husband told his family but they all treated me like I was cheating at weight loss from the hard work that needs to be done. I never discussed anything with them unless they asked about details over the years. In July I needed revision to RNY. It was necessary. Now my children are grown up and have families of their own. My daughter has insisted on meeting with each and every member of my health team. She is in the health care industry and needed to know I had the very best team working with me. Now that's what I call support. My son's support is watching me like a hawk and if I look longingly at a can of soda, he reminds me that it is no good for me. Hey, its better than knocking me on the side of the head. My in-laws, well they tell me now that they never liked the idea when I did it 25 years ago. Guess what, I dont care what they think. Yes I built up confidence, I made better and wiser decisions in my life because I learned I could. If I had to live it all over again, I would do the same thing. It was my decision, my choice and did me a world of good for me mentally. My Mom and aunts are all gone now and my cousins have little to do with me. I never discussed much with my friends and they never patted me on the back. My work didn't know my first surgery until a year later.  It just came out in a talk I was having with my boss and co workers at the time. Something like you would say, "Yes, I had bunyans removed from both feet." no comment, no question period, and who cared what they thought. I changed my career four times in the 25 years. New friends, new co workers and new bosses. It is not something that has to go on your resume so who needs to know. What I can tell you...this forum is all the support you need. We have been there and we are happy to guide you. Too bad this wasn't around 25 years ago but you can take advantage of it and I am happy to hear all about your ups and downs. You can do this.

Thanks for your reply. Honestly sympathy is not what I was seeking and hadn't even crossed my mind..... Sounds like you had a great support system with your husband at the time and now your children as they have gotten older. I have a noticed there are a lot of people on here that have the mentality of "I am a rock, I am an island" which is great and I know I am strong and can be all the support I need but I was just kinda hoping that the few people closest to me would have reacted a little bit differently when I told them. Frankly I don't care what others think about my choices and I actually am planing on doing a pinup photo shoot three days before my surgery because I am a beautiful person and I am doing surgery because I want to be healthier and have a longer life expectancy. 

I too work in health care and spend a lot of time with behavioral health patients and I also work with patients who are seeking plastic surgery after having weightloss surgery and I have found the ones who have the hardest time are the ones who tried to be an island all of their own.

I live in a pretty rural state and am actually going out of state for surgery so there is little for support groups here other that online. 

Im glad you clarified that it is not "hand holding" you want for support. You sound very focused and smart enough to think with both sides of your brain. Good for you. I didn't mean to sound like "I am a rock" but you will get it while on your journey. Im sorry there is little for support groups in your area. But you got us. We are here for you. There will be times where you will want to shout from the rooftops about your journey. And then, there will be times where you just wish you didn't say anything. Always think before you speak and weigh the pros and cons with family and friends. I agree with Peachpie and the others. Some people should be told but not in detail and not to justify your actions. I would love to help you bounce ideas back and forth. I am sure there are others here too. I see lots of responses to your original post. That should tell you something about how well we listen and support.

You have some very sound advice and as you have stated I am realizing I can have the support I seek right here on this site. 

It's going to come out eventually - trust me on that.  When it does, who will be hurt that you chose to disclude them from such an important event in your life?

If your mind is made up in what you want to do, then the truth is much easier to remember.  Stand firm in your decision and those who matter will support you whether or not they agree with you.  This is your battle, not theirs.  I highly recommend against a web of lies at home or at work though.

Good for you on deciding to have the VSG. 

It is a difficult to decide who to tell. The people who should be the most supportive often let you down. This could be based on ignorance, or fear that your weight loss will affect your relationship with them. 

They don't understand that WLS is only a tool like optifast or and other diet plan. A normal life is possible and you will be able to maintain your friendships, only without the focus on food. You may want to have your boyfriend speak with the significant other of someone who had WSL. Ask your doctor to refer you to someone locally who has had surgery. 

There is a forum on here for the partners of those who have had WLS. Let him see that. 

I am 4 years out fromVSG and have lost 200 pounds. I am very fortunate that my husband supported my efforts every step of the way. The opinion of anyone else really didn't matter!

I have learned to accept that my relationship with food has changed. Things that I loved before no longer are enticing - like chocolate and pasta. I can take them or leave them, more often leaving them. Sometimes just a small taste will do. 

Stay strong, rely on these forums for support and to vent. We have been in your shoes, and have succeeded. 

The bottom line is that you must do what is right for you and your health! 

Good luck

Toni

I only let one of my grown daughters in on what I was doing. She struggles with weight as well. The other watches her weight and when she gets too large, she diets and that works for her, but she always regains the weight within a year or two. My extended family doesn't even know now, and I had it done last week.  All my siblings are obese and one is a yo-yo dieter.  She can lose the weight for a time, but always regains it with a vengeance.  I never wanted to do all that work to lose it just to gain it back. I couldn't do it on my own and after 30 years of being obese (and nearly 30 years of being normal weight before), I finally decided to do this for me.  I didn't let my younger daughter know of the surgery until the day the before (she and her family live with me).  When she did find out, she was not supportive of it, but I didn't care any more who liked it or not. Perhaps she was worried for her mom and surgery and whatnot. I might eventually let my family know, when they start noticing the weight loss, one has already noticed the change in eating behavior, but once the cat is out of the bag, in my family, the whole herd knows.