Reflections 6 months post-op

I will be 6 months out in two days.  I have lost 72.6 pounds as of this morning.  This has not been an easy journey, and at times I have even wondered if it were worth it.  But I can honestly say that I walk with confidence now, my anxiety has decreased exponentially, and I feel I've become so much friendlier and personable.  I have few inhibitions, and I'm willing to do just about anything, whether it's singing and dancing on front of my husband, walking on a beach in a bathing suit, teaching while standing on a desk in front of my students, or hopping up and down stairs gleefully instead of struggling to make it to the top.  I'm back to being the carefree person I was before I gained so much weight.  I am about 13 pounds from my goal and I've been reflecting on this process.  Two years ago I went with my family to a state park and we decided to hike down to the waterfalls.  I've always been pretty adventurous, and I walked down many flights of stairs without even thinking about the hike back UP the stairs.  What started out as an adventure became a mortifying experinece.  Halfway back up the stairs I became so winded that I couldn't catch my breath.  Other people were passing me, and my children had to stop and encourage me several times.  When I was almost at the top I had to sit down because I couldn't catch my breath.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't keep up, that my husband and kids had to see me struggling so much with a physical activity.  That was the day I decided to do whatever it took to change.

 I began the weight loss surgery process and it took well over a year to get everythign in order.  My primary care doctor was very resistant to the idea of surgery.  He wanted me to try traditional methods of weight loss, although I had been trying those for years with, obviously, no success.  I continued to push and scheduled all the other appointments on my own...psychologist, pulmonologist, etc.  I ended up having a tense discussion with him and I refused to back down, I argued my case, and eventually he cleared me for a surgical referral.  My surgeon was almost two hours away, and I missed what I felt was a great deal of work for all the appointments.  That in itself bothered me, and I felt I was being very selfish.  I believed I was doing this just for ME, and that I shouldn't devote so much time away from work and my family, and risk major surgery for ME.  But you know what?  There is nothing wrong with that.  I had to do this so I could be ME again.  

The journey post-surgery has been a struggle.  We moved from Georgia to Maine three weeks postop.  On my own I packed up an entire house, took care of three children (one who graduated high school) when my husband relocated before us, put our house on the market, job-hunted from 1400 miles away, and then drove a loaded minivan with an attached trailer 27 hours within weeks of having surgery.  The move was hell, I was sick the whole time, and then spent weeks afterwards dealing with all of the horrible things you hear about....foamies, impacted "issues", nausea, vomiting, the inablity to eat ANYTHING, adverse reactions to any protein, digestive problems, hair loss, aches and pains, you name it...but here I am at the other end of the tunnel.  In just 6 months I have transformed into the old/new me.  I'm so much calmer and relaxed, I don't worry about things as much.  I can walk down a hallway and not feel as if anyone who may be behind me is looking at me in disgust becaue of any jiggling or bouncing that might be going on.  I can look people in the eye during a conversation and not feel they are looking down on me for being "fat".  I can wear my wedding ring again.  I don't feel like a second class citizen anymore, I feel I have worth and value.  I can sit in an airplane seat and not inwardly cringe because my thigh or hip is partially in someone else's seat, I can walk down a crowded aisle in a store and not fear knocking things over with my backside if I turn the wrong way.  I no longer avoid a mirror, and I willingly jump into a camera shot without fear.  Yes, it's sad that I felt those things, and although I logically knew I was being unreasonable, being overweight in something that completely takes control of all aspects of your life. There is no reasoning with your vision of yourself, no ability to look at things with a perceptive eye....being overweight controls you like a drug.  So I'm writing this for anyone who may be second-guessing their decision to have the surgery, for anyone who may be looking at the negatives and are letting them outweigh the positives, for anyone who may be where I was just 3 months ago questioning whether this was the right thing to do.  It is, without a doubt in my mind, one of the best things I've ever done for myself.  It was hard, it is hard, it will continue to be hard, but I no longer have regrets.  I can now live my life without fear, the kind of fear of the outside world than only an overweight person can understand.  If you have any doubts, jump anyway.  If you are struggling and are having regrets, give it time.  And if, like me, you have reached your place of contentment, be proud of yourself, you've earned it and it's time to live again.

Wow...thank you for sharing your story.  You look amazing!  So happy and confident.  I am so grateful for the people such as yourself that transparently share and encourage those of us who are behind you.  This is inspiring :)

Thanks for sharing.  You totally nailed so many of the complicated feelings we have when we're morbidly obese.  It's nice to hear your reflection from 6 months out.  I'm one month out and it's very encouraging.  Btw, you look FABULOUS!!!  As a fellow New Englander (New Hampshire), I hope you're ready for a Maine winter!!  Enjoy every moment.

Lisa

Congratulations on your first 6 months!  I'm glad you're feeling better.  That's around the time that I started to feel like a new person too.  

So many things in your last paragraph resonated with me, especially "being overweight is something that completely takes control of all aspects of your life."

Best of luck in your new home :)

It's nice to hear that people who struggled with issues at the beginning end up glad they had the surgery, in spite of everything. I wish you better luck and continued success.

Thank you for such a great reflection. I am also 6 months out and am experiencing the same journey. I also live in Maine and wanted to welcome you to this beautiful state. :)