Food Frustration

Bring your own food.

I get the struggle but here's the thing: YOU chose to have surgery, not your family. When you are a guest in somebody's house (yes, even family) you do not get to dictate the menu and you should never expect them to cater to your special dietary needs You may not agree but I find that it's best to go into these situations with zero expectations.

For "normal" people the holidays are about eating (and overeating) certain foods they only get once a year. Nobody should be expected to put that aside or change because you're having a hard time. This is going to be reality for the rest of your life so you best learn how to deal with it now without getting all resentful. Because resentment will eventually lead back to using food to stuff down feelings.

I was only about 6-months post-op during my first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I could eat 2 oz. of turkey and a few green beans. And I think I snuck in a couple bites of a roll. That's all - I was done.

And if you really, really want something special then make enough for the whole family and bring it yourself. I'm sure your MIL would appreciate guests bringing an appetizer or side dish to share with everyone.

Take a deep breath now. Step back from everything. I believe (hope) that this is just your hormones burning up with your fat. They made me crazy. I was a ***** on wheels.

I had my surgery on the 28th of a September. Great timing. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around the hormones were flooding my system. I was starting to get tired of learning what foods I could tolerate and not. It's a tough time. And I have issues with Thanksgiving anyway which totally didn't help matters.

But the thing about Thanksgiving is for most people it is centered around a giant hunk of protein. And at this point that's all you really need to be looking at on the T-Day table. Butternut squash you might have room left for a bite. Even pesto bacon shrimp you might eat one. Food is driving you crazy right now, I imagine. You are looking at pics of it, reading blogs about it, researching recipes. It's common in the beginning when we are breaking up with food and at the same time trying to learn to eat to live and not live to eat.

You just have to remember that they didn't have this surgery. They are not worried about their weight. Whether that's good or bad is none of your business. Just as your weight and how you choose to beat obesity is not their business. Right now you may have to see yourself as taking the high road here. They are not thinking about your eating needs. So what? You just keep on going. YOU take care of yourself.

If at the end of the day seeing all that food is going to be too much for you, well, don't go. I don't do Thanksgiving. I'll make my DH a lasagne (it's a holiday so I'll do one with noodles for him) then a small no noodle "meat-zagna" for myself. We watch football, take the dogs to the park and that's about it. It's not the food for me but I still don't do T-Day.

Do something else. Anything. Go enjoy fresh air somewhere. Take time to meditate on all that has happened in the past year and all that is going to come. Mourn food if that is what you need to do (I did).

But you have to get past the thinking that others are in this with you. They aren't. This is something that you can't understand until you go there yourself.

And finally, yes, it is bad to wish your boyfriend would have a minor heart attack. Many men die with their first and that's why they call them "widow makers". His life is his own. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't let him tell you what to do with your body. Or I certainly hope you wouldn't.

And if you have read all this is probably time for you to go walk. So get out there...you'll make it.

Ok, let's go with hormones for the wishing a heart attack on your boyfriend,(if not, he'd better be sleeping with one eye open!!!)

We really are neither that special, nor are we that precious. You may or may not be able to eat some turkey with gravy by then (I suspect will). After liquids, purees etc, it will taste like the best food you have ever eaten!

Dictating what YOU want to your family (let alone your in laws) is a Dick move and no wonder they looked at you funny and laughed ... Get over yourself and get used to the world not revolving around you because this is the lifestyle YOU have chosen, noone else! In case you can't eat the turkey, take a little container of ricotta and marinara and discreetly use the mocrowave. Enjoy the family and make the occasion the important thing and not the food. You'll be surprised how fun it can be when you don't feel as stuffed as the turkey!

Just make a one dish casserole for yourself. That will be your meal.

I vote you stay home since I think Thanksgiving is going to be to stressful for you.

Oh and why are you eating things that you have not been approved for?
Of course you aren't going to have any pain when you eat you're only 3 weeks out and your nerves to your stomach have been cut. What do you think they grow right back? You need to realize YOU had surgery not everyone else.

I had my surgery on November 17th, five years ago. I had a lovely protein shake for my Thanksgiving meal and enjoyed the company of family. Celebrating is no longer about the food after surgery. Get your head wrapped around that fact and you will be in a better frame of mind.

I appreciate all the words of wisdom and suggestions. The main reason that I got so upset bout not including a dish for me is that this is not your typical go to the in laws situation. We fund a GREAT part of this day. I am already going to make my own Jenni O Turkey breast since they FRY the turkey. I am not overly concerned about the food part I KNOW that I will not be centering this holiday around food like the past but considering the great financial part that we play I just feel like there is no harm in including a dish tht is also friendly for me. Not JUST for me but something that I can have. Since the MIL is retired and I work 12 hour days I just kind of figured that it is fair while she is prepping to make something everyone will eat that I can also eat. Thanksgiving is a 4 day EVENT for this family. I dont have any family so this is where I go. To me it is a courtesy thing since like I said we fund a GREAT portion of it. As for the boyfriend and my evil thoughts yes I would say that hormones are a part of it however, damn the fact that I had surgery isnt it only right that since he has health concerns that I try to help him get his diet on track so he doesnt have to up the meds or worse have a heart attack. I dont say that to be mean and like I hate him but he really needs an eye opener. He will eat steamed seafood with a whole stick of butter. Thats just me caring and trying to help. Does he say things about my diet? YES HELL YES we have fought about me eating sooooo much over the past 7 years it is ridiculous. It led to me hiding and sneaking food and so many other terrible emotional things. Yes I am in therapy. I just posted what I posted to vent some people have told me to get over myself while others understand where I am coming from.

Ok. I think I came from the area of both understanding (because I really do) AND telling you to get over yourself (because I had to have that talk with myself). I offer nothing that doesn't come from experience. And the time you are at in your journey is HARD. You are learning what and how to eat all over again. Like a kid. And people can only comment on what you post. You go and add details and it can become a whole new thing.

Now if you guys are paying for most of the dinner and they don't show you anymore respect than that and you still go....well I can't help you there. I'd pull my cash right out of the pot and they could deal while my happy ass was down at the soup kitchen or somewhere where people give a damn about others. Be it my own family or the in-laws. Or I'd have all the other no family people I know over to my place.

BUT what really bothers me here is that you say you are only trying to help your boyfriend by nagging him on what he eats and that he did it to you. But in the next sentence you admit that it led you to hiding food and "many other terrible emotional things." Honey that's abuse. It's emotional abuse and no one deserves that. Look it up and read about it and you might be able to see the truth in my words but I don't think you are there yet.

Obviously keep seeing the therapist. You got a long, long road ahead. It's not impossible. It's just gonna be really hard.

And just as a BTW, how do you have a MIL and a boyfriend? Where you married to his brother at one point?

We can't all be 100% rational all of the time, our feelings are OUR feelings it's okay to express them. I understand that venting your frustration here allows you to blow of some steam. And not as one member suggested, take to stabbing you man in the eye with a fork .

It's hard when you have done this great thing and made the decision to try and improve your health, while people around you are carrying on as they ever did.

But think back to how long it took you to come to this decision? While you were hiding food, did you appreciate any advice on what you should be doing about your weight problem. Honestly, I just wanted to tell people to F-off while eating a bag of cookies.

My point is, people come to their limit in their own time, and in their own way. Some never do, but fighting about food with your partner seems not the best strategy. Watch and wait, when he sees the pounds melting off you in the next months he might get there all on his own.

Sounds like a bit of food envy going on too. You need to try and accept that from now until maintenance your diet will and should be unique from everyone around you. Even at maintenance you will not be able to eat like everyone else.

So come, vent to us, we will listen and offer opinions (it's what we do). You may not always like the replies as people here have a low threshold for BS. So when you talk about wishing a mild heart attack on your boyfriend because he's choosing to continue to eat as poorly as you once did, then I'm afraid you will reap the benefit of the collective wisdom, which is at times brutally honest.