So I have heard a lot of people loosing friends after WLS. However I never thought it would happen to me. I am only two weeks out post op and my best friend has been avoiding my phone calls. I have been trying to get together with her multiple times. There is constantly a reason or two why she can't. Today I was so psyched that the scale said 200lbs. So I texted her and it's almost like I annoyed her?  My problem is, she literally saved my life last year when I hit rock bottom. She is my rock. She's my go to person for everything. How do I save this friendship?  Do I just not talk about my weight loss?  It's so hard. My husband doesn't want to hear about it cus he thinks I'm gonna leave him when I'm skinny. Every pound loss is apparently a pound closer to skinny and ruining out marriage. I haven't told anyone else about my WLS. It feels like Im not allowed to be happy about my weight loss. 😨. I'm so lost and lonely. 

Hi Jenn,

Maybe it's not related to your weight loss? Try giving her a call just to chat about how she's doing. Maybe there's something going on in her life and she needs support too, but doesn't want to burden you with her troubles? 

Disclaimer: I have a pretty blunt personality (and I am kinda socially awkward) I just ignore treading carefully and the normal social process of finding out what's wrong in a relationship. 

if she is larger than you,it is possible that she feels threatened that you are going to be smaller than her. 

If she is smaller than you,it is possible that shekels threatend that you are going to get smaller/same size as her and maybe even look better than her and she is losing her "fat friend" buffer. 

I had this happen to me.  I lost two friends.  One was a life long friend that hurt me deeply.  They were both obese and I think that they just couldn't accept the new thinner me.  Sadly, both of their departures from my life came with no explanations or goodbyes.  It was abrupt and a total surprise.  

I think sometimes our "friends" are either envious of us (as what I think happened in my case) or they only can accept our friendship as a "fat" person.  

In my life funny enough the only people that seemed to have a problem with me losing weight were the overweight people in my life.  The thinner and more physically fit people were my biggest cheerleaders.  Always there with me every step of the way.  

In the end I realized that the "friends" that dumped me for losing weight and getting healthy were never really my friends and I am truly better off without them.   

Honestly?  I'd just call her (or email her if she's not returning your phone calls) and leave a message and say, "Hey, what's going on?  I'd really like to get in touch, but I feel like you're avoiding me."  

As far as your husband goes... I'd probably point out to him that his whole "I don't want to hear about it" is more likely to cause the end of the relationship than you losing weight.  You might benefit from going to couples therapy together to address this issue.  

It also might be a good idea to tell more people in your life about your WLS, that way you'll have more friends that you feel comfortable to talk with.  

I don't know what your friend's size is, but if I were bigger than you and got a text that you had hit 200, it would make me feel bad about my own weight. Try to consider her feelings. 

This is SO right on. My closest friends, who went to the gym with me and supported me on every fad diet, seemed to get really annoyed with me/mad at me for every pound lost after I passed their weight.

They looked normal to me. Could do normal things. Very sporty people. It never occured to me that they would be insecure with their own weight.  It was a real wake up call

When I started getting close to my surgery date, my best friend seemed to avoid me every time I started to talk about it. She would literally change the subject. I finally got her to talk to me about what was going on and she told me that she was afraid that after I lost weight and got "skinny" that I wouldn't want to be friends with her anymore. It really took me by surprise. Part of our identity as friends has been "the fat girls who are also pretty and awesome" and it was kind of like we were a team. She told me she was afraid our friendship wouldn't be the same afterward. So since the surgery I've made sure to call and text her a lot and ask about her life and keep her close.

It can be really hard to get people to talk about these things, but hopefully your friendship is important enough to her to make her confide her fears or reasoning to you. 

Time for a new Rock.

About your husband-he needs psych help. It is unfortunate that he thinks so terribly of you (i.e. that your personality would change because you got thin.  That you would think that vows/promises mean NOTHING).  The marriage might need some counseling.

But on your friend..it takes TWO for a friendship. If that person doesnt want to be your friend...you cant make them be.

In addition to the potential size issues others have pointed out already, there is also the possibility that she is simply tired of hearing about your weight loss.  That seems especially likely since you have not told many people about it (so you have limited the people you can talk to about it).

We get SO excited as we are losing weight (of course!), and our lives pretty much revolve around the scale, what we eat, our clothing sizes, etc. while we are losing, but MANY people find  -- if they have someone who is willing to be honest with them -- that their family and friends think they talk way too much about those things (sometimes people early out talk about almost nothing else!) and the family/friends just get tired of hearing about it.  They therefore start to pull away just so they don't have to be faced with the choice of either having to yet again listen to more about WLS or having to find a polite way to tell you that they have had enough. (That may also be part of the reason your husband doesn't want to hear about it, too (in addition to his insecurity about the relationship)).

That is one of the great things about coming here... People here undrstand the early post-op "obsession" with food, vitamins, sizes and weight, complications, NSVs, etc., they expect people here to talk about those things, and they understand WHY people get "obsessed"!  

So perhaps you could find a way to ask your friend if you have been focusing too much on those things (and apologize for being so self-absorbed) and see if that is the reason... And, if so, make a concerted effort to avoid those subjects when you are with her. It doesn't have to be all or nothing... Just don't expect her (or your husband, even) to have the same level of interest and/or excitement about every little step that you do.

The other thing that comes to mind -- something that I see all the time with clients -- is that you described her as your "rock" and your "go to person for everything".  Perhaps she is a bit weary of always being the person you go to?  Over time, even the best of friends can start to feel like the relationship demands too much of them or that the relationship is too one sided.  That may especially be true right now as your focus is probably too narrowly focused on yourself.  That's not an indictment of you -- we all go through it to one degree or another -- but just something to think about and perhaps to talk to her about.

Lora