I mentioned in the B*TCHfest yesterday that my eating is out of control, and it is. My poor band is doing all it's supposed to do but I'm doing everything I can to defeat it. Grazing, for example. Note to all: in case you haven't heard this before, WLS is not a magic bullet. You CAN **** it up and you can gain weight back.

With it comes lack of desire to exercise, and with my knees killing me, I don't need much of a reason to not go to the gym.

In short, I'm a mess.

Now I find myself talking to and about myself in terms that, if someone said them to me, would be bullying and hate speech. I'll work past a mirror and sigh, "Oh, you fat ****" "POS", "pig" and other charming words and phrases seem to be in my head all the time.

I never, ever did this even when I was almost 400 pounds and I don't know how to stop. (Add tot his that my long-term best WLS buddy and voice of reason - Kate - isn't here to kick my ass.)

I don't know what the answer is, but I just wanted to get this off my chest in the hope that maybe me doing that will help me get my head right.

I don't have answers for you but I'm sending hugs. 

The things that would help me, but might not work for you, would be some combination of the following - therapy, spending time with friends who love me, yoga since yoga fixes everything, meditation, a pedicure, a massage... Lots of things that amount to "being nice to myself" which can help me to remember that I AM someone who is worth being nice to. 

Self loathing and shame is a ****ty way to feel and I'm sorry you're stuck there right now. Especially since, from what I've seen, you're a pretty cool hoopy frood who probably knows where her towel is. 

I think most of us can relate to saying some pretty vile and mean things to ourselves so my heart hurts for you. I wish I could do more than just offer some nice words of support but I truly mean it when I say I'll keep you in my thoughts today.

Hi Bette!

Someone inspirational I know has a "DREAM BIG" tattoo and Faith overcomes Doubt.  If you're interested in this amazing person, check out her OH profile here.  She also has a very applicable Confucius quote on her profile:

"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

You should take some advice from her.  She's come so far in her journey!  You might have tripped and taken a fall, but now is your chance to rise up and overcome the worst demon -- your own self doubt!

Stop bullying yourself! Don't make one of us wash your mouth out with soap! If it's not something you would say to someone else, you are forbidden to say it to/about yourself.  Period.  When you walk by the mirror, your new assignment is to say something nice about yourself.  Maybe your clothes look cute.  Maybe your eye makeup makes your eyes look great!  Either way, you're stuck in front of the mirror on time out until you give yourself a compliment. If you can't think of anything, here's a hint: COMPLIMENT YOURSELF ON HOW FAR YOU'VE COME FROM THE 400LB "OLD SELF".

You can do this. We're here to help.

Here is your verbal ass-kicking!  What. The **** Bette?!?  Knock that **** off!!!!  Negative self talk is nothing but destructive.  You have accomplished SO much.  Get off the "pity party train" and get your head straight, girl.   You know how to do this!  You've been doing it, successfully, for years.

Seriously.... be kind to yourself.  You deserve it!

Hi Bette,

Just an idea, but do you know if something triggered the eating/sabotage/negative self-talk?  For me, sabotage usually kicks in when I start to look good or when people tell me I look good.  See if there is a correlation between an event or comment and when this sabotage began.

I wish you well.  Please take care of yourself like you would for a best friend!

Oh Bette, I just wrote you a long reply and lost it.

Shut that bull**** off in your head.  You've come a long way baby!  If you need to use "post-it's" to post all types of positive words all around your space, do so.  Listen to positive affirmations and songs of prosperity etc.  You have got to fool yourself into thinking the best thoughts because this world as you know,  can get hard as a MFer!

I know knee pain - deal with it!  That means if you need a surgical intervention, you may have to do it (sorry).  If you can treat it with hot/cold therapies, rest, physical therapy whatever - do it.  There is plenty of exercise available for the upper body.  See video's on Youtube or whatever for chair bound people.  Best for you right now is water exercise and the bike.

Next time you get the urge to say something bad about you say something like "I am getting better and better each day",  "I am gorgeous", "I love you Bette,  then embrace yourself",  "my body is so amazing, so forgiving, it is healing itself all the time",  "I am so blessed", "thank you, thank you, thank you".  Sometimes we gotta kiss ourselves for real.

Feel better friend.

Best,

Layla

Bette,

So sorry that your knees are aching. I worry about that too. You are in my thoughts and hoping all will look bright again very soon. You did the right thing, coming here and sharing with us. I know what you mean about the mirror. I walk past one and say Omg you are still huge. That is just plain mean! We would never say that to another human so why do we say that to ourselves? Thanks for the post and sharing your story. I have so much respect for you! You have come too far to turn back now. Hang in there Bette.

Robin

Omg you are still huge

-Um. No you are not. If the end point on your ticker is right, you are around 175-185 lbs and are probably between a size 14-18.  I read somewhere that size 14 is the average woman in the US and a size 16 is the average woman in the UK.

You arent "still huge". You arent the MO woman you were a few short months ago. You are now merely average and now you are working your way into a "healthy" BMI/weight/body fat percentage.

If anything, you are "still the person" who has high expectations and goals for herself  and is still working diligently to achieve them.

Omg you are still huge

-Um. No you are not. If the end point on your ticker is right, you are around 175-185 lbs and are probably between a size 14-18.  I read somewhere that size 14 is the average woman in the US and a size 16 is the average woman in the UK.

You arent "still huge". You arent the MO woman you were a few short months ago. You are now merely average and now you are working your way into a "healthy" BMI/weight/body fat percentage.

If anything, you are "still the person" who has high expectations and goals for herself  and is still working diligently to achieve them.