I'm starting to mourne

In 10 business days I will meet the surgeon and get my surgerydate. I've been looking forward to do for so long. but Now, all I can do is cry. I'm not afraid of surgery.I think I'm going to miss this 300 pound girl.

Why do you think you will miss her? Do you anticipate a personality change with weight loss? 

I am set for surgery on Thursday and I can tell you that the feeling that you are having right now does not really go away. It gets better but it doesn't go away. I have been going through this process for a year so I am well educated on the do's and don'ts but I am far from being an expert. What I can tell you is that the mourning has stuck with me. I'm not mourning the fat girl that I am but I am mourning the loss I am going to experience. Food has been my everything for my entire life. Any time I have been happy, sad, mad, jealous, excited, what ever the feeling is food has been there to help me celebrate or get though it. It gives me a full sensation that nothing else can. It fills a void. *sigh* However, it is a toxic friendship that has also been hurting me. It causes me to be exhausted, have headaches, muscle soreness, breathing difficulties, etc... it's time that this toxic friendship ends. I will mourn for the food I can't eat ever again but it will be like a death and I will move on with my healthy and skinny life. 

Think of it like that and it will get easier. 

I really appreciate your powerful words. Mai I friend you say so I can save them?

Of course you can!!! 

I'm sitting here 4 days post-op and everyone keeps asking me what is wrong. I couldn't explain anything to them until now.  What you said is exactly why I am not just giddy about my surgery.  It's done.  No turning back now, so I am going to remember why I had this procedure done in the first place.  Thanks for almost reading my mind.

I am the same person I was 150+ pounds ago. The differenceis in my vastly improved physical health.

What exactly are you mourning?

Yes...I agree with the other poster.  I am exactly the same person I was before.  Except maybe happier and healthier. 

It is completely normal to look forward to an upcoming surgery date with some trepidation. I know I did, even though I had spent more than a year preparing mentally and physically for mine!  

While I didn't think I would change, I do find myself having moments of reminiscing about my 'past self' and sometimes it is quite bittersweet. It was all I had known, having never been average sized even as an adolescent. After so many years of feeling like (or actually BEING) the biggest person in a group, I almost feel lost now that I am average sized. It's like a part of my identity melted away with the 100lbs I have lost. I don't feel like I act any differently, nor do I find myself judging others for being bigger or smaller than me, but navigating the world as a 'normie' is completely foreign to me!

I am almost six months out and I still automatically aim for the Plus Size section at the back of the store when I go somewhere looking for clothes, and I have had several times where I was so overwhelmed at the selection in the 'normal' sections that I wished for a split second that I was back in my old comfort zone of having a tiny corner of boring stuff to pick from. Top that off with the problem of not having any idea what looks good on my changing body, and shopping is even more frustrating than it used to be. I hope that by the time I have reached maintenance I will have a better grasp on how to dress myself, but I may end up consulting with a professional shopper or stylist to help me figure that out. 

Thanks for sharing your experience! It really spoke to me. :)