Husband downer!!

What if the shoe is on the other foot.  My wife has this theory I will lose weight and leave her.  And it seems as though she is trying to push me that way.  I have done nothing but gotten closer and more romantic with this process, and she seems to push more.  She wakes up angry and goes to bed angry.  I don't want to make her mad about asking for counseling, but I also don't want to lose her!!

JDC, it doesn't matter what 'foot' the shoe is on, the advise is just the same.  Get some counseling for yourself and invite her in when you (and/or she) are ready.  You can't control what she does or how she feels.  But, you can become a better person/husband thru counseling and facing those hard issues with her in honesty and love.  It's a big, bold step, but it's worth it!  Just ask around for a good counselor.  Try your dr., surgeon, nutritionist, etc.  they'll know someone.

I am all for counseling, I know I have faults and will have to learn to be me in my new body.  But, I don't know how to bring it up to her without her being offended.  I am scared to talk or ask about a lot of things, because I know it will lead to a fight that I want nothing to do with.

My husband has not said anything positive or negative about my thoughts of having the surgery. I'm in the very very early stages and have not even been to the surgeon yet. But I am kind of expecting him to say something once the reality sets in for him. He isn't much of a talker anyway but is very opinionated. I think this fear is very very common for spouses. I know if the tables were turned I would have that fear as well. I am prepared for what I will tell him when he mentions this..I stood by him through addiction and will continue to do so. I married him at 20 years old when I was a lot lot smaller than I am now and I am not going to leave simply because my body size changes. Plus, I'm not doing this for vanity..it's for my health. I hope your husband comes to realize this..perhaps counseling would help you both. My husband is obese as well and he is doing nothing to lose right now. I wish he would hop on the band wagon with me but I of course can not force him to. Best of luck to you!

This is what i Posted to another member who was having similar issues:

Congratulations to you!

As we focus on our own success I think sometimes we forget that this is an adjustment for those around us also. I use my daughter as an example she was not used to men hollering (how rude huh!? Even with my daughter!) and staring at me. It made her nervous and she would say things like I wish you were back to "normal". It was not until then did I realize (by then of course my relationship with her father failed) that yes this journey is about me and me getting healthy but others are innocent bystanders. Not only had my physical appearance changed but I changed in many other ways.  She being my daughter made me stop and think about my actions, and how they effected my loved ones, I was able to talk it out with her.  And I actually apologized to her father, I think his attitude was a lack of his skills in communication and me not being aware.  It is all new territory for all of us.

I am remarried now happily and my current husband only knows me smaller but he still struggles with the same thing when men pay me too much attention. But now I invest time into making him feel loved, beyond telling him I show him.  For example when we are out and I know someone is paying me too much attention, I go and show my husband attention so he knows no matter what that weirdo wants from me all I want is him. It has help tremendously.  I as his opinion on my outfits (even if I don't care) and make sure I wear his favorite color. And you know what he complements me more and I am learning to take it and say "thank you, I love you" which was always really hard for me.  I do things like make sure we are walking together (holding hands or not) and I am not walking in front of him.

After I took responsibility for some of what went wrong in my ex's and I's relationship that changed for the better also. Now I don't know anything about you and your husband, and how your relationship works but it sounds like he is just scared.  You have probably changed/grown so much so quickly he doesn't know how to express his nervousness about it. I would say if the love and respect is there to talk it out. 

Good luck and keep up the good work!!!

Head it off at the pass... therapist or counseling of some sort maybe... this is a huge emotional rollercoaster and change for you and it will be for him too... 

Fear is usually the basis of all that he shared... fear of unknown, of change, of losing you, of how your new lifestyle will change his life (going out for food, holidays, etc.) It's a lot. Nice to have someone help you navigate the waters. I'd talk to him about it... ask your bariatric program if they can recommend anyone, take him to your support group meetings (with help with understanding changes that are coming)

Best to you both. It was the BEST gift I ever gave myself hope you will soon feel the same (and your husband does too.)

Okay, so now he's the one who is suffering self-esteem issues.  Its time to pay it forward and reassure him that while you will indeed change, your love for him won't...that is if your marriage is a strong one, which it sounds like it is.  Strong marriages survive wls just fine, but those relationships with holes just get worse.

Adding to what Valerie has said...I can tell you that I had marital problems before my weight loss surgery 7 months ago and things have gotten worse for us.  She is right in that relationships that have holes in them just get worse.  I hope that your marriage is strong and I do recommend going to counseling as soon as possible and talking about how he feels about your surgery during your sessions.

For us, there is a lot more that goes into our relationship than just having holes and I won't get into the details.  But, I will tell you that if your husband loves you and has the maturity and love for you to want your relationship to work, you will know it.  If he doesn't, you will know that too.  Follow your gut.  Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.  For me, the bottom line was having the surgery to live a long and healthy life for my two young children.  It is the best thing I have ever done for myself.