Hi,

I have had many resentful feelings rise to the surface! I am almost 2 years out from my surgery and feel great physically! I am realizing that I have been feeding my emotions and also numbing my feelings. My hubby and I have also stopped drinking alcohol since my surgery. I have a great deal of resentment towards my family. And also towards my I laws.

I have basically stopped talking to my only sister. I finally called her on her behaviors...putting down my hubby and kids and being very competitive with me. I don't miss her at all! I am still angry and we had the blow out 1 1/2 years ago.

I am also very angry with my hubby's step mother who has done so much damage I can never forgive or forget. I know it is not healthy but I hate her!! She is coming to my house today to take my kids to lunch. I tolerate her but will never trust or like her. I just stay away from people who have hurt me.

I have 6 brothers and most of them have been demeaning and rude to me and my hubby also. I really don't need to ever see them either. My parents passed away so I don't plan on seeing my family in the near future. I don't like to teach this behavior to my kids, but they have told me that so and so is mean to them and I have finally stood up for myself and deleted rude family from my life. I can't delete my inlaw's lol but I definitely am not open to be abused and put down by them anymore!

I am the youngest of 8 kids and just now realizing my life is not what I thought it was. I was always the one who had cook outs, made arrangements for holidays and kept the peace with everyone. I realized that most of the people close to me didn't treat me well and I just numbed the pain and discomfort with food and alcohol. I dont know if I am healthier or crazy anymore ha ha. But I feel better and have no conflicts with my family anymore. But I basically have no contact with my family and very little with my inlaws. I am 50 and just done with the B.S.! But I am realizing that I have a lot of resentment that I cannot or don't want to let go!! I know the saying that I am only hurting myself with the resentment but can't give it up. Am I crazy??

I don't think you're crazy!  I totally have the same problem with holding on to resentments.  I have cut off contact with several relatives who were rude and hurtful.  The problem is, I still have "contact" with them in my own head! I find myself revisiting them often, mentally.  I've started some therapy, to deal with the changes after surgery.  I hope the therapist can help me clear them out of my thoughts.  One thing I have found is that journaling helps.  I just have to hide the journal! :)

Ha ha thanks Anna. Good luck on your journey!!

Bravo to you for your acknowledgement of your feelings.  I would sincerely like to suggest you find someone professional to help you with this process of freeing yourself.  There can be such strength in finding a way to make yourself an adult without completely demolishing all your family links.  It is a one- step-at-a-time process, but you'll feel so much better when it's done.

I totally understand your feelings.  I have a sister that I haven't talked to in 3 years.  I have family that is just toxic and refuse to have that in my life.  I completely understand.  It's good to weed out the negativity in your life.  But it's not good to hold on to resentment and hate.  It's eats at you little by little and how can you be happy with all that inside you.

True I have family and friends I have decided to not associate with any more.  But I do not hold any hate or resentment towards them.  It just takes to much of my energy.  Energy I can use to live and be happy.  I just let go of the bad feelings and bad things they did to me.  I forgave them and let go of it.  And it's like a weight off my shoulders.  They are the ones that live with the hate and negativity and I actually feel bad for them.  I can spend my life so focused on what horrible things people did to me....or I can live my life and be happy with the people that love me.  And that's what I chose to do. 

Thanks for your kind response. I will work on letting go....I just recently realized I had so much built up resentment. I guess it was stifled or smothered or something. And saying it out loud or typing it is a pretty big step for me.  Nice to hear others with the same toxic family problem are experiencing similar situations.

Your are right, so many do have the same issues with family and especially when you are the youngest.  I thought I had the perfect family too.  My older sister was a jealous and controlling person who did a number on me after she moved out of the state and didn't need my help anymore.  She split up our family with gossip and back stabbing.  She was the pathetic one and now that I understand her I can put her in her place in my history.  She passed away about 4 years after our mother died and we never spoke after Mother died.  You cannot change what you cannot change.  I have moved on and have friends that are twice the sister that she was.  Enjoy your family and get rid of the garbage in your past.  My best wishes to you.

 "now that I understand her I can put her in her place in my history. "

-Some people would say that "writing people off" isn't right/christian/whatever.  I, for one, find it very emotionally/mentally freeing. I also find that I have more time for people that I love/friends/hobbies/experiences because I am not wasting my precious time and energy on "lost causes" that don't appreciate the effort anyway.

I am a better, more patient friend and companion when I am not all worn out by people that add NOTHING to the tank.

So, I dont think you are wrong at all. You are smart and making good use of your time and effort by putting them into people that will benefit from it.

Wow, you're really boiling over with resentment.  It's a shame to feel such anger.  I hope you can rid yourself of the anger.  For me, it's hard to understand that you have six brothers and most have been mean and rude to you and your husband.  Do they get along with each other?  I have four brothers.  My youngest brother and I had a disagreement over an incident involving my daughter's boyfriend; we haven't worked it out and don't speak to each other.  We ignore each other at family gatherings, but I just feel a loss over our relationship, no anger or resentment.  I guess we all handle things differently.  

Family relationships can be so trying - especially when there are in-laws, that's for sure!  I hope you can find peace - and the solution could be just no contact.  I let go of the anger because it only hurt me - I guess my attitude is "so be it"  But as I said, I only have problems with the one brother - we both still go to family events; maybe someday we'll talk, but I'm not ready for it now.  It's a shame though, that your whole family is "at odds".

But no, you're not crazy.  And it's good to be able to vent.  We'd all be better if we could "let things go" -- it's interesting that you say you have a lot of resent that you cannot or "don't want to let go".    Maybe a time will come when things work out.  In the meantime, just try to live your own life and don't dwell on the others.  Good luck and good wishes to you.

It's great to remove toxic people from your life, but not so great to be seething with anger years after the fact.  Are you seeing a therapist to help figure out how to unravel that anger?