I've become the cautionary tale I feared!

I have not posted or even visited OH in a very long time.  It's official...my WLS honeymoon is over (has been for a while) and I have returned to many of my former bad habits and out-of-control behaviours.  This was my BIGGEST fear pre-surgery.  I wasn't worried about the operation itself or the risks...just that I would revert back to doing all the awful things that caused my obesity in the first place. 

I had my RNY WLS in Nov, 2012.  SW was 230.  LW was 112.  CW is 134 :-(  When I reached my lowest weight, I kept telling myself that it was not sustainable.  Some people including the follow up medical staff said that I was a too low and "gaunt" looking.  But I bought tons of size 2 and size 0 clothes and was on an adrenaline high.  My mood and energy level was off the charts (in good ways). 

For the first six months after surgery, eating was not only difficult, it was without pleasure and I was never hungry.  I am not complaining...it was a WONDERFUL feeling to have.  No hunger and no cravings.  Gradually both returned and now they're back with a vengeance.  Over the past year my path has gone down the proverbial "slipperly slope".  It sttarted off that when I craved chocolate, I would indulge in a Reese's peanut butter cup.  Now I have a chocolate bar almost every day.  I eat muffins, cookies, scones, pretzels and other crap on a daily basis.  I eat healthy things too.  In fact, in the last 2 years I've eaten more veggies and fresh fruit than I have in my entire life.  I religiously have raw veggies and low fat cheese for my lunch each day, but then I go off the rails and eat stuff because I crave it, not because I'm hungry.  I wish I suffered from "dumping syndrome" but I don't; although I often feel uncomfortable and my heart races when I eat unhealthy foods.  But does that cause me to not reach for crap the next time?? No!!  I've been a vegetarian for 23 yrs and continue to be...the protein thing is a challenge but I certainly get enough between the low-carb protein shakes and bars, and beans, yogurt, etc.

There are other rules that I'm breaking too and things are out of control.  For the first 2 years post-surgery, I only drank protein shakes and water.  Now I've gone back to diet pop.  I thought it would be an occasional treat. I was kidding myself. Now I often drink it with unhealthy food!!!  I don't always wait 30 mins before or after a meal to drink.  That's another big no-no. 

For months I've been trying unsuccessfully to do the 5-day pouch test.  I found it easy to fast on protein shakes for 2 weeks pre-surgery, but do you think I can get through 2 lousy days doing it now?  Anyway, I'm trying again today and telling others (including everyone out there on OH) so that I'm more committed.  I really want my pouch to feel like it did after surgery.

I despise myself for allowing all my bad habits to take over my life again.  I swore that I could not let that happen, and it has. WLS was my final hope and I'm screwing it up big time.  I'm seeing an excellent psychiatrist and getting to the root of my eating issues, but knowledge does not seem to be a cure for them.  Day after day I engage in self-sabotaging behaviours.  And the more I do that, the worse I hate myself.  Hard cycle to break.

While I can't get back to 112 lbs, I want to weigh 120...that will make me feel in control and good about myself, and many of my clothes will fit again.  These 14 lbs seem almost as overwhelming as the 100+ that I lost.  (When I was big as a barn, and thin or average-size people would complain to me about gaining 10 lbs, I was flabbergasted and annoyed.  Now I understand their concerns.)

This was a long post.  Thank you for listening!!  Your input would be appreciated; I am open to receiving strong/harsh feedback.  I really need to turn things around quickly and permanently before things get any worse.

I'm not saying anything harsh.  Just that I know how it feels.  I do give in easily at times.  But I always catch myself before it becomes a problem.  So far so good (I don't take that for granted).  Food is an awful addiction.  We will never be able to get away from it.  You have to eat to live.  It will always be a battle.  I always always want chocolate, ice cream, cookies...I just have to be strong enough to say no 90% of the time.      

My biggest problem...Saying no when it's offered to me. I never buy the crap or bring it into my house.  But at work it's all over the place or when I go out to a party.  Then it's hard!!!  When I am grocery shopping I seem to be fine.  I just have to strong enough to pass up the cookie aisle...that is only a few seconds of strength.     

Get to a therapist. You know what you need to do. Five day pouch  test is not real. 

Hang in there! Atleast you are working on it now. 

Keep getting support and set yourself up for success. Get the crap food away from you!

I know now that starting to eat refined carbs, got my hunger going again, and it didn't take long to gain 33 pounds. Thank goodness my tool still works. 

Got off the carbs, and back to basics. Sounds easy, but the first week was hell!

protein first then some veggies

no drinking with my meals 30 minutes before or after.

try not to snack, but if I feel the need I make sure it is protein.

The whole head thing is crazy, isn't it? I felt worse  emotionally than I did at a BMIof 40!?

I am trying to practice kindness toward myself. This was not a cure but a tool. Big hugs to you!

Thank you for your post. It helps me to realize that our surgery truly is only a tool, and it is so easy to fall back into old habits. My WLS was 8/26/14 so I am still under a year-at 9 months. You've taken the first step-asking for help and suggestions. I hope I have the humility to do the same when I have a set back and I realistically expect that in someway I will, actually I have just not to the extent where I've completely sabotaged my weight loss.

It's a cycle that we have always allowed ourselves to get into but now we do have support and help from those who have experienced the same. In my short time I went through my diet coke phase, my candy bar phase, my crunchy carbs phase, my don't want to exercise phase, and so forth. Admittedly if it was not for this tool-my sleeve-I would have gained a lot of weight and went into an emotional negative spin cycle and gained lots of weight instead of just 3 or 4 lbs. So I've come to realized that surgery does indeed fix our stomachs but it does not fix our brains!

As generic as it sounds: "just work the program" and as you are trying to do-get back to basics, almost as if you are just starting the program. In Alcoholics Anonymous, NA or GA, and I would assume OA they say that the disease is progressive. That is, even if you do not partake for many years once you imbibe again it is like you have been doing that vice all those years you were actually clean. So if an alcoholic does not drink for over 20 years, and then imbibes it is not where he left off at but actually at the point as if he was drinking every one of those 20 years!

 I would think it is the same with WLS, although we may have lost weight and eaten healthy for a number of months or years, that sleeping Tiger is always there, waiting to pounce! People think WLS is the easy way out, that it takes no discipline or self-control. Yet that is so far from true, this is when we have to discipline ourselves, where we have to make good, healthy food choices, where we have to have self-control at parties, gatherings, family dinners and so forth. And where we have to learn to love ourselves so as to want to remain healthy with exercise and proper nutrition.

My journey is just a microcosm of what others have been through. My journey has been so short, yet it has been filled with its ups and downs, it's doubts, fears, challenges, yet also enthusiasm, encouragement and joys. It's not a straight or easy path but to be honest it is enjoyable because I am learning so much about myself and what it truly takes to achieve and maintain a healthy lifestyle. And yet I am so far from having the knowledge that others here have.

So not having the experience that others have I would just say to you" hang in there!" Don't beat yourself up, but also don't enable yourself or feel you are powerless-because you're not. You CAN change this around. We have to make ourselves accountable-if we love ourselves-we take care of our self.  Make goals other than weight-oriented ones and obtain those.  Are you putting protein FIRS****er FIRST? Taking vitamins? Are you recording what you are eating? That helps me a lot especially when I go way off range!

Being still somewhat a novice I can just give you my support and empathy, understanding and a pat on the back. There are many here who will help you along the way with their experience. I wish you well! Hang in there.

You need to get into a therapist as soon as possible.  You are close to travelling down a dangerous path to try and get to what you consider health and are willing to do unhealthy things to get there.  But I am happy to see you coming back and taking the first step.  You can do this, you can be at a healthy weight, and you can get to where your weight is in maintenance and this is no big deal.

You have already taken the hardest step by saying enough is enough and now I want to get back on track.  Here are some steps I hope will help you. They helped me...  Also, be sure and join the Back On Track Together group link in my signature area.  

Planning/Preparing

Remember when we were preparing for surgery?  How many meetings, classes and such did we attend?  We were told the more prepared we were the better our chances were for success.  And they were right. Go through the house, car and work place and get rid of trigger foods.  Stock up on foods that will keep you on track. I removed every carb/sugar temptation and replaced it with lots of protein, veggies and fruits.  

Journaling

Get back to journaling.  This will help you identify when you feel like eating, stress factors and any triggers in your life.  Once you identify these factors, this will help you put tools in place to keep you from eating.  It became clear I was not taking time for me anymore. I worked my day job and then spent the rest of my time caring for my husband.  It was easy to reach for fast, prepackaged food.  Since I purged my home I have to eat clean as there are no other options LOL

Use a tool to track you're eating and exercise like Getting Started with Health Tracker

Once I started to track ever bite and drink it became clear why I had gained.

Goals/Rewards

Make a list of goals for yourself.  Make them realistic and small.  Some of mine were move more, purge all junk from my home, eat more protein.

Food

In general, a long term post-weight loss surgery eating plan includes foods that are high in protein, and low in fat, fiber, calories, and sugar. Important vitamins and minerals are provided as supplements. (if you had a different surgery adjust this to your food plan)

Water

Water is our Best Friend. I have to say I never went back to pop or any bad drinks, however I was drinking tea like crazy. What is wrong with drinking tea?  I was either using sugar or 3 equals and 3 sweet n lows per 32 ounce glass.  So I was either pushing to be diabetic or get cancer.  I found once I started carrying a bottle of water around 24/7 (yes had one at my bedside) I lost the cravings for the sugar and I KNOW those artificial sweeteners are not good for me. Look I am old and if you add up all the artificial sweeteners I have consumed I am sure I am at the rat in the lab getting cancer threshold

MOVE!

I can't say enough about how key this was for me. The reason I kept my weight off for almost 10 years was no matter what I kept moving.  If I could not go to the gym I would walk. I loved Zumba, bootcamp workouts, lift weights. When I stopped, the weight came on.  So for me I am starting slow to avoid injury by walking and using some of the workouts on my Demand TV.  Find something you love to do and it won't feel like a pain in the *** to do daily.

Support

If it's an option "run" don't walk to a support group.

Keep me posted on how you are doing

Wishing the best for you.  If the 5DPT isn't working for you, I wouldn't push yourself to try to do it.  I posted something about the PT in another thread and man did I get reamed over it.  The bottom line, in my opinion, is this...if you can't do the liquids only part, why not starting on day 3?  I am doing it not to shrink my stomach, but to be on a very strict plan so that I can cut out all the carbs and follow all the basics to a T.  That's the restart for me.  Don't let the people telling you that the 5DPT is "Fake" or "a Scam" get you down.  It's not about how they feel, it's how you feel.  If it's working for you, keep going.  But, if it's not, reevaluate and try something new.  Good luck!

'Reamed' is a gross overstatement. 

With RNY protein drinks go right through us since the pyloric valve has been cut. So she should really be eating food high in protein to stay fuller longer. 

5 Pouch test is being on a diet  . We are here learning a new way of eating.