Family and Friends

Ok so I have a problem and I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining but I need to figure out the best most polite way to handle it. How do you tell people that you don't want them to come to the hospital while your there?

I'm scheduled for RnY on 5/20 and I'm super excited. My plan was for my husband (a long haul truck driver) to take off the few days i'm in the hospital. Basically to be home with out daughter to look after her and maybe visit me during the day for a few hrs. I would be at the hospital on my own... resting and recovering.

But I found out tonight that my mother is taking 2 weeks off work and coming into town to be there with me, in addition to my father taking the day of my surgery off to be there for me. A sister and her now fiance who are planning to drive from 2 hrs away to be with me the day of surgery. And several friends who promised to visit and keep me company.

I mean I love them all and I guess I should be happy that the people in my life are being so supportive but honestly I'm going to be tired and in pain I don't want to have to put on a brave face and stay awake and be social. How can I tell them that I love them and I appreciate them wanting to be there. But I just want to be left alone. Surely someone else has had this problem, what do I do.

It might be time for some tough love!!   LOL

You need to tell them that you will NOT want/need them at the hospital, but they can be a help at home.

Anyone who wants to clean, cook and look after your family so you don't have to do those things for 2 weeks would be welcome.

YOU will not be eating what they cook, but if they are available to prepare meals for your family so you can concern yourself with just healing and getting in your liquids and proteins, that could be a huge help.

If you don't want them -- but they are willing to cook and clean, I live in Tucson and they are welcome here!!

You might say, "mom/dad, sis, etc --- I have been researching and talking with others who had this surgery, and they all say that they did not want or need people at the hospital.  We can call you when the surgery starts and finishes --- and then I will be in recovery and medicated.  They will get me up to walk around, but really, most of the time I will be asleep or resting.  All I will need is my ipod to lull me back to sleep!"

I had a band -- and it was out=patient -- so I didn't have this challenge --- but at home, I was not supposed to lift any more than a gallon of milk for a few weeks.

I told my husband that I was not allowed to do laundry for 6 months (no bending --- but I was lying!!!), so as I said, they can be a great help at home, especially if your husband needs to get back on the road.

Remember that they love you and are worried about you. I would be honest with whoever you think it is easiest to be honest with.. and tell them you are nervous about having so many people there, and you are not going to be up to it. It is not easy. Good Luck

I had a friend who instructed the hospital that she didn't want guests.  Due to HPPA, she didn't have any.

And, yeah, tell all the family that you will have your husband call them to let them know how things go.

I love my family, too, but I know what you mean!

I have always just been blunt and to the point even with my parents, No I don't want anyone there, I will be sleeping from the anesthesia and won't have the energy to talk so don't bother coming. No really mom I don't want anyone there not even hubby. I even send hubby on his way once I get settled in pre-op because I just want the time before hand to be quiet, calm, restful time for me so I go into surgery as peaceful as i can be. You will have to be firm with people and tell them there is really no reason for anyone to travel because you won't be able to have many visitors (usually only 2 at a time) and you sure don't need a whole house full of people when you get home! Sometimes ya just gotta put your foot down!

Tell your father, your sister and her fiance and your friends, there really won't be any time to visit in the hospital.  When you arrive at the hospital you go directly to the surgery waiting area, where nurses will check you in and the surgeon and anesthesiologist come in to discuss the surgery, and you will be going over forms and getting sedated.  After the surgery it's straight to recovery, where you won't know what's going on (you'll just be amazed that it's over), then up to your room where you'll be sleeping. When you wake up, you should be getting up immediately to start your post-op regime.  And you'll be so tired from the drugs, you'll just want to sleep.  They would just be standing outside the room when doctors/nurses/etc. stop by to do their thing, or they will be watching you sleep.  Tell them your doctor advised it would be best to have no visitors.  

As for your mom, well moms will be moms.  Maybe you can tell her a week would be more than enough - so she can help you with caring for your husband and daughter by cooking and cleaning.  If you really don't want her there at all, you just have to take a deep breath and explain that you have pre-prepared your home by freezing meals, doing laundry ahead of time and doing a thorough home cleaning.

Bear in mind - your family and friends are expressing their love for you - consider yourself lucky!!  

While I understand how you feel, I'd count my blessings and suck it up.  Explain that you won't be visiting as you'll need to rest and that they shouldn't feel bad if they want to leave at anytime because you'll be lousy company.  But overall, let your biggest problem in life be that you are so loved.  I'd give just about anything to have one more visit with my father. 

This is kind of how I was thinking.  Make sure they all realize that you'll be so out of it after surgery that they won't really get to talk to you much anyway.  And don't feel that you have to entertain.  Your main priority is going to be recovery.  Those first couple days are going to be sleep, walk around, repeat.

Say exactly what you just said!  I told my parents that they were "on call" if I needed them, but to stay put -- for I would feel the need to entertain instead of be a slug I would want to be.  Tell everyone else to wait until you're home a couple days and not sleeping so much.

Just shoot it straight. I really didn't want any at mine either. I was exhausted, nauseous, and slept most of the time. I I didn't remember much about the 3 days I was in the hospital.

Just tell them the best thing that they can do for you is wait for you at home, or discharge time. It should be about what makes you most comfortable.