Dating after 60 with loose skin issues...........warning: long

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months for numerous reasons. After a day in the bright sun wearing a bathing suit and having to dress in front of him in a shared dressing room I sensed him pulling back from me. In the past during our intimacy it was always with dim lights and lingerie as I am very self-conscious of my loose skin issues made worse by a recent loss of 25 pounds due to severe illness. When we got back from the hot springs and after we made love he told me that he was servicing me sexually. I thought he was joking so I did not react because I thought he cared for me. There was also a number of insensitive remarks made such as “you better not get fat again” so when I returned home I sent him a text asking him if he had deep feelings for me and he basically said no. I want to back up a bit and say I really thought we shared deep feelings of affection prior to getting intimate with him and he did support me through my illness with a great deal of kindness and thoughtfulness…. but now I feel completely deceived. I sent him a text ending the affair basically saying “see ya later ******* I deserve better then you….go sexually service yourself”…………..fast forward to the present, I now feel even more self-conscious now. Being 60 and single has its challenges without loose skin issues but now I feel like it’s next to impossible to ever find a loving intimate relationship at my age. My self-esteem has really taken a blow. I always pride myself on my appearance taking great care with my hair, makeup and clothes, and most people tell me that I look great for my age. I am completely unable to afford skin removal surgery due to being completely depleted financially after contracting Guillian Barr'e Syndrome. Most of my friends are happily married so it hard for me to take them seriously when they tell me that I need to accept myself and my single status………I have been single for over 20 years and for the most part content with it……. but the loneliness is started to erode my self-image and happiness…my negative thinking keeps asking the question “If I am so lovable why I am alone and why is it so hard for me to find someone?” I never had children instead focused my energies on my career and volunteerism. Please don’t advise me to try my hand and internet dating, singles clubs and church……….tried that, with no results…….it seems that with all my consciousness raising, self-help groups, weight loss surgery and 5 years of therapy that today I have no tolerance for the shallow bull **** today’s men want to dish out. When I hear the statement” God will put someone in your life when you are ready” it makes me want to vomit. Please be gentle with any responses as my heart feels very heavy and my key board is already drenched with my tears……….I don’t want it to short out ;).

Thank you for taking the time to read this,

Marie

What do you think most 60 year old women look like?  Not Gisele Bundchen, that's for sure ...    If a man wants me to look like a supermodel, he'd better look like Dwayne Johnson when his kit comes off 

I don't think you sound ready to date - you need to work on your self esteem and get over the ass you just dumped.   When you are ready, you will feel ok to try internet dating (which is how most of us do it these days).  Yes, there are a ton of horrible stupid men out there - you'll see guys who are clearly overweight and unfit insist they want women with athletic bodies or who troll looking to score after a date or two, or worse, want to sext or videocam   You really have to be able to take the rough with the smooth and so your esteem has to be sky high to be able to weed those dicks out before they even try!   A happy, positive person WILL attract happy, positive people!

There are nice, kind, lonely, thoughtful men out there too - I happened to meet an awesome one 3.5 years ago and yes, it was on a free site!  

Thank you Kim for your kind, amusing and insightful response........I agree, I dont think I am ready for the dating scene as my self image took a real bruising. Before this breakup and before my illness I was extremely confident and self assured with a very positive attitute, I guess it will just take some time to heal.

Marie

Marie:

I completely understand how you feel.  I was seeing a man who I thought of as my "soul mate".  After a long horrible marriage and divorce, he came into my life and accepted me as I was.  Overweight at 230 pounds.  But he accepted me.  He told me that over and over.  He swept me off my feet for many many years.  Over the course of our relationship, I gained an additional 40 pounds (he always wanted to go out to eat, go out and enjoy life, etc.)  Well, after all that time he told me he "never loved me", "didn't want to be with me anymore", "was embarrassed by my weight", and many other hateful things.  I was crushed beyond repair.  And I still am, a year later..............

but you know what I have realized Marie?  That so-called "man" that LOVED me was just not the person I was meant to be with.  He apparently was so unhappy with himself and still is to this day.  So, yes, I feel your pain and I am so sorry for your heartache.  Please love yourself.  We must all love ourselves first.  Life is too short. Yes, I'm still alone and miserable on many days.  But I'm doing this surgery for ME.  I want to feel good.  I want to be healthy and enjoy life.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.  It is hard and it will take some time for you to heal, but I pray that you do.  :)

Marie,

I totally understand the skin issues, I have them myself with the parts I did not have surgically corrected.  This man just sounds downright mean, even if he really felt like he said, which is strange in general why would he tell you this.  It sounds like he really had some serious mental issues.  You need to realize that not all men are like he was and give yourself more chances to date and meet people.  I totally agree you are going to have to get over the internet dating aversion, because I really think that will be your best bet.  There is a site out there devoted entirely to dating after 50, so perhaps that is a viable option.  You really need to give yourself a chance to love and be loved and realize that one jerk doesn't spoil all the other men out there.  You need to look your best and go out and have fun and be realistic with the people you are dating that you don't have the body of a 19 year old.  I am sure most 60 year old womyn have some skin.  I hope you meet someone who just takes your breath away and this all turns into a non-issue whatsoever. 

Good Luck.

Thank you Heidi and Fireangel,

When I confronted him in a text with his statement about sexually servicing me and about his previous statements he made about a lonely gal down the street being sexually services by all the local drunks, I told him how devastating this comment was...........he denied saying it in his text, he told me that he had no memory of saying that...........at first this made me feel a little crazy (my last husband use to pull that on me all the time) I knew what he said and I knew he said it...........I did not bother to respond and I have not heard from him since. I really do feel like I dodged a bullet with him and I am very glad I have not invested any more time with him, but now my confidence in my ability to weed out the mentally disturbed and mean spirited men has been hit hard..........he really threw me for a loop as I am sure you also felt the same way Fireangel. Thank you again for both of your thoughtful and encouraging words.

Marie

You simply don't need the abuse.  I am a few years older and after 2 divorces, I realized I don't HAVE to be with a man.  I don't need the headaches, and the heartaches. I am a kind woman and caring.  If that's not good enough I don't care.  I gave up on bending over backwards pleasing men a while ago.  Again, you may feel lonely, but being lonely is better than being verbally abused.  I am so done with insensitive men.

If someone had told me what your boyfriend told you, he just might be missing a few teeth.  No I am not mean, no, I am not an abusive person.  I am kind.  But again, I spent years bending over backwards trying to please men and was treated like crap in return. Enough! I am just exhausted. At this point in life, I don't do so, but I would rather have a fling than be in a relationship with a bonafide jerk. 

Thank you Sleevedin,

I cracked up when I read your response....................if I wasn't 60 miles away he might have ended up with black and blue service tools, thank God for smart phones. ;)

You should have told him you were just tolerating his old balls anyway.