WLS and Marriage

I like the advice you gave related to WLS and the effects on a marriage.  I see by your signature that you're in NY.  Where in NY?  I'm trying to find more local people that I can develop as a support group.  Thanks. 

I agree that good relationships get better and rocky ones get worse.  I have been married for 22 years and have always been over weight.  My husband was against my wls at first because he said I didn't need it and that he was worried I could die in the operating room.  It came to light that he was also worried about the attention I would receive from other men and that I would realize I could do better than him.

I was set on having surgery and focused on my health.  He turned out to be my greatest supporter and has really embraced this journey with me.  Now when he looks at old pictures he says he had no idea that I was as heavy as I was and now understands why I felt the need to have it.  It has really brought us closer and made our relationship stronger.  I do make a  conscious effort to let him know how thankful I am to have him, how attractive he is and how he is the best thing that ever happened to me. 

This wls experience has given me a lot more confidence to be more and expect more. If you are not in a healthy relationship,   as you lose weight and gain confidence you may decide you deserve "more". My best advice is to give him the opportunity to make the changes in order to be the person you need him to be.  You made decisions that affected the both of you and that he had no control over.    He may be struggling with his own insecurities and need reassurance.  If you have been in a bad marriage then you should stand up for yourself and demand more or leave. If you feel you are just growing apart and you are looking for more excitement now that you have this newfound confidence and more attractive body and are enjoying the attention of other men, then my advice is to not make any decisions right now.  As they say, the grass is not always greener.

good luck

After surgery and during the rapid weightloss phase things were difficult. My wife and I fought a lot we talked a lot but we survived.  We both knew what the goal was and that it would take understanding on both sides.  Some of the things we fought about we now look back and laugh.

As for feeling selfish I can see where this happens it did to me. This is a surgery we do for ourselves.  Yes other reasons influence our decisions such as kids and quality of life and things, but in the end this is about US.

Surgery and weight loss and finding a much better me physically has not affected my marriage one way or the other. I can't say we grew closer or that it is a strain in any way - it really had zero impact. We are the same as we were before my surgery, the good, the bad, and everything in between.

It has been a ride TMI. I expected I'd want more sex when I was thin but I do not. It is still an issue for us. I spend a lot more time on me by meal shopping  cooking, exercising  and getting ready everyday. I'm moving forward but he seems so stuck. His weight is normal but he is struggling with depression and my changes don't seem to be helping. I know I settled due to my physical appearance but I'm not looking to move on. Marriage cycles and a bad year can lead to a good year in the future. Knowing what divorce would do to my family I'd not proceed that way. Better and worse. 

There are clear cut reasons to divorce ...been there done that. Violence, safety, and others....but for me it is time to work on my marriage and support him through our changes. 

I appreciate all the responses... you have no idea how grateful I am.

My hubby is skinny.. always has been. In good shape, he is a firefighter and is strong!!

He hasn't done NOTHING to me to cause a 'deal breaker' type situation.

He loves me... always has... unconditionally

Having said that, I WANT more.. I settled for the life I currently live. We have issues, many, but doesn't every marriage?

I am stronger and happier then I was at 372 pounds. I feel like I can just depend on ME for happiness... I couldn't say that a year ago.

I am going to give this my all, I owe that to him and to myself. If it works is yet to be determined.

Having said that... I feel so guilty and so very selfish, I mean what right to I have to work on myself and leave my husband in the dust. Just who do I think I am...??

Thanks guys... just for letting me vent!

A life unexamined isn't a good life, for either you or your family.  

Have you considered maybe talking to a family counselor about your problems?  I found it helped a lot to actually verbalize a problem and not have to worry about upsetting anyone with my questions.  It's a safe place.  

Maybe afterwards you might want to do a joint counseling session with your DH.

Can't hurt--talking is better than fighting.

"Having said that... I feel so guilty and so very selfish, I mean what right to I have to work on myself and leave my husband in the dust. Just who do I think I am...??"

Why don't you deserve to work on yourself? How is that leaving him in the dust? Why doesn't he deserve to have a happy wife that hasn't just settled for him, but is confidant in herself and loves herself enough to want to be whole inside? 

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who "settled" for me, no matter how much I loved that person. The question is, why do you feel like you have settled? If he has always been loving and treated you well, what is it that is missing? Is it something in the marriage, or is it something in you? 

Consider what it is that you need more of. Is that something the two of you can grow together and provide for each other, or is it something that you think you are missing outside of the relationship? Like someone has said already, the grass is not always greener. People generally take the same issues from relationship to relationship, so find out what it truly is that you need before you give up what you already have to possibly continue the same struggles, with someone else. 

It sounds like the problem is inside you, not the marriage. Seek a counselor that can help you work through it. If you have done the work on you, and you still feel like you need to leave, at least you will know it was for the right reasons and you won't need to second guess the decision. 

Is it possible he wants more too? If you have settled, it is possible that he would also appreciate your internal growth and working together to get more out of the relationship would be more fulfilling for him too. The more you love yourself, the more you are able to nurture yourself on the inside, the more fulfilling the relationship could be for both of you. Or, it may show you more clearly that it is time for you to move on. 

Just a few things to consider, and my two cents. 

Thank you for starting this discussion.  It has given me a chance to consider this more carefully.  I started writing a response, which I cannot post, because it contains too much personal detail, but the writing/thinking process really helped me.  Here is a response I CAN post:

So far, I have only lost half of my excess body weight, so I can't say how things will be next year.  I do know that, WLS or no, I could never say how things will be in my marriage next year anyway.

During 24 years of marriage, my husband and I have had ups and downs.  The problems have fit a particular pattern.  Last year, we had a VERY DIFFICULT time.   He hurt me very deeply. 

This crisis had nothing to do with WLS, because I did not have WLS until the beginning of this year.  I was really afraid that having the WLS might upset things that were already upset.  However, in our case, I feel that it was very helpful to have such a crisis before the WLS. 

Overall, as I sought counseling for myself, I learned to understand the patterns in our relationship.  Although I am not glad for the crisis and pain, I am glad to have the insights I gained because of it.  And I am very glad to have had these before the WLS, or perhaps the WLS would have led to more crisis. 

Facing the emotional challenges over the years, I had for so long kept thinking things like, "If only I were beautiful," or "If only I were not fat," or "if only I were better organized," or "if only this or that," then things would be better.  I was able to realize that the relationship challenges had never been about my weight (or the other things).  

I do feel like it could help you to seek counseling--without your husband--to help you understand your motivations better, to help you understand what you want and what the consequences will be, good or ill.

Best to you!

My marriage did not last, but that was a good and right decision for me.  I lived for 23 years with an abusive, active drug addict who couldn't put together 10 minutes of respectful and honoring behavior.  We did go to counseling, but even my Christian counselor agreed that all my ex brought to the relationship was strife.  I had surgery in May and we were planning our divorce by August.  Unbelievably, in January (so 7 months after surgery) I met the most incredible human being I have ever known, and we are getting married this June. Quite a roller coaster ride.  No one can tell you what is right for you.  Think, pray, seek counseling.  That's my best advice.