traveling fat

I haven't had my surgery yet, but I have been approved. I have my pre-op appointment on 2/5 and it can't come fast enough. 

We had our vacation planned for months. I had hoped that my surgery would have been completed and I would have healed by the time we left, but my waiting process has been epically long. 

I have entered  a phase of my battle with weight where I am now obese. Morbidly. And now I look it, act it and have begun to feel like that big fat person that you see in a grocery store and try hard not to stare. In my case on vacation, I didn't always get that courtesy of not staring from others. 

I have always been a curvy girl and even being chubby, I was given positive attention. Now that I have gained weight, it is different. My vacation was pretty eventful. Aside from needing a seatbelt extender, I could not fit in the chairs at many of the restaurants my boyfriend and I visited with our couple friends in beautiful San Diego. While they all chatted about weather and business, I was silently struggling to pretend to be comfortable, literally sitting on the edge of my seat since my rear is much to large to fit **** those chairs. 

The next part of our vacation in the Caribbean was not enjoyable. Surrounded by surfers and beach bums, I was often the subject of whispers and elbow nudges. I have always been "thick" but still attractive and well-dressed, so despite my battle with my weight, I wasn't ostracized. Now it is different. 

I know that I should focus on the future and my surgery and not buy into the external negativity- and don't get me wrong, I fully understand all the logic. But it still doesn't make me feel better NOW. I am excited to get this surgery so that I can become the person I know I am who has just lost her way for a minute. I look forward to getting rid all of my overpriced plus size clothes that never made me feel good because of the real problem. I look forward to being able to feel good again and stop faking confidence. I have had a false sense of physical self for some time now where I have thought that the problem was minimal. I think it's because I am used to my little life and the people in it. My job. My friends. My family. My boyfriend. Everyone who knows me just knows me for who I am and they are used to what I look like now. But when I step into the unknown, I realize how dysfunctional I am as a shell and reality sets in. Perhaps it's a good thing. Wake up calls are often necessary for change. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel eager to move on and I never want to feel this way again and I VOW to never stare or poke fun at a person's appearance  

my boyfriend thinks I have a complex and that I think people are staring even when they're not. I tell him he has shallow Hal syndrome :)  next time we go on a vacation, I look forward to living in the moment!

These are the feelings that propel you to change.  I believe that everyone who is successful at overcoming an addiction, whether drugs alcohol, gamboling, food or whatever has to "hit the bottom". 

As much as you think you are not interested, you might find it very beneficial to check out Overeaters Anonymous.

There is special support from working with others who have been in your shoes.

You should print this out and put it wherever you are going to keep your progress pictures along the way and bookmark it on your phone. Read it when you are immediately post-op, trying to recover, and doubt creeps in about whether you made the right decision...read it when you wonder if a few little bites of something off of your plan is really that big of a deal...read it during a stall when you've done everything right and you are frustrated by the scale...read it when you are going to a party where everyone else can eat whatever they want...etc. etc.

There will be rough times, but if you put the work in, you'll be out of the plus sized clothes and the seat belt extender and you'll never worry about fitting in seats. You can do this. 

I remember anxiety starting weeks before a flight. Would the seat belt fit? Would I fit in the seat? In the gate I would feel like everyone was looking at me hoping they wouldn't have to sit next to me. I haven't had to think those thoughts in years and it is a wonderful feeling. 

Best,

Lindsey

Great advice. I used to do that and still do that once in a while - but now take my before picture and try to remember how "the fat me felt".. Helps me stay on my plan. 

I kept a journal throughout my pre op and post op phases. This is a great first entry for you. We all reach that wake up call moment - one of mine was on vacation too, as I awaited approval. i got to the point where I was truly fearful of what would happen if I was NOT approved. 

I too had - and still have - a very limited awareness of my physical "self." Others can see a change if their weight is up or down 10 lbs. - I don't see it. Never have. When I was thinner, as a teenager, I saw myself as fat. When I was morbidly obese, I didn't know what I really looked like. Save an item or two of "before" clothing to remind yourself. 

And yes, the problem is the weight, the food, the physical stuff. But there is a lot going on in our minds too. It's a lifelong journey. Best wishes!