How To Support Partner Having WLS

I noticed that you stated that you "hated the unwanted attention..." and not to be personal, but by any chance are you a survivor of sexual abuse and/or rape?  I ask because I have felt this very same way, and truly, I felt very comfortable in my large body because it felt safe and protective.  I noticed this theme in your posts, and I wondered if you didn't share a similar experience. 

I hope this doesn't come off as rude or overly personal.

I had a bad experience with a man when I was smaller, something I feel would not happen now because I'm not as accessible (physically and otherwise).  I'm glad someone understands the comfort thing.  Do you feel okay now? Do you feel safe? 

I actually related to a lot of what you wrote -- and I do understand how weight can act as a comforting shield for ourselves.  In fact, it is what I wrote my master's thesis on (I called it "Every Woman's Abaya") -- and how we, as women, use a multitude of external things to protect us from being hurt or endangered.  I am an anthropological linguist.  Language can also act as a shield -- but I digress...

So, to answer your question, for many years my weight was my security blanket.  The funny part is that I am a pretty confident, outspoken and attractive woman.  Despite my best efforts, I have always had a significant other in my life and attention from the opposite sex.  However, there is no denying that it is/was less at 344 lbs.  My husband and soul mate is typical weighted -- and we've been together for 17 years.  Unfortunately, he has had to patiently deal with some of the long term trust issues I carry due to my experiences.

When I made the decision to lose weight, it was definitely not to conform to societal expectations or to be more attractive.  I like myself and truly, I still feel uncomfortable with attention from men.  In fact, the fear of attention actually kept me from considering dieting or WLS for many years.  Truly, my son was the catalyst that made me change.  I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love my little boy -- and truthfully -- part of loving someone is doing everything you possibly can to be there for them as long as possible.  My son saved my life.  Loving him made me love myself so that I had the courage to face my fears rather than using my fat "abaya" to protect myself.  I hope that makes sense?

To be honest, I have had to deal with more unwanted attention from men.  However, I am not the young naïve girl who was victim to a predator any longer -- I realize that it wasn't being small that made my experience (nor yours) occur.  And, while being bigger may make us less accessible to being hurt, it also makes us less assessable to so many other things too.  I don't want to give any more of my power away -- and being healthy is very powerful.  It's mine. 

I can tell you are an intelligent and kind-hearted woman by your responses.  I think that it is completely possible for you to support someone you love making a choice that is right for him.  I hope this helps you to feel less alone. 

Butterfly,

I have a lot of respect for people like you who have the ability to be honest about where you are at and what you think. That takes guts, and the fact that you are posting it on a WLS forum shows a LOT of open mindedness.  Those are two qualities that make up more than half of the winning ticket for me.

The folks who thought that the earth was the center of the universe were being honest, yet their honesty became much more accurate and precise  as they were able to get different information, and expose themselves to new information in an open way and allow themselves to grow.

I was the same way. The thought of a diet just killed me. Had a LOT of family issues with not being good enough, people telling me what to eat, crashing and burning at the latest thing....I think i tried pretty much every diet out there.

I don't diet any more.  And yes, there are things I get to do today because I had WLS.....but before that, when I lost weight before I even thought about surgery....I was just learning to notice deep within myself what I really truly ate, and when I ate it. Just like those folks watching the stars. That's it. There is no judgement in the moment. Just looking for information. Not counting calories, not looking at the scale, none of that diet stuff. Just paying attention. And letting someone else know what I discovered about myself. And that was it. One day at a time. That's how it worked for me. AND I lost 198 pounds, and I lost a lot of shame and a lot of guilt about food and a lot of pressure. I learned a LOT MORE about acceptance than i knew before.   And with the information, I made a few changes. :)  Some bigger than others. :)  AND some things I still do EXACTLY the same as I always have.....I can't STAND to eat certain food. I DON'T wear pink jogging shorts EVER....lol....I am still ME...I'm the same me I always was. It's just now, I can breathe........:)

That's really inspiring Bibo. It's funny that you mentioned stars, because my favorite thing to do to feel better and "centered" is go outside and look at the stars. Having the awareness of the vastness of the universe and how small I am in it, how good and beautiful the creation is changes my entire mood. It would be fun to take that awareness to the plate. Thank you. 

Careful....the Earth might move on ya.....did for me......

The thing is, it isn't really about the food. IT's totally about the emotions. The food is a symptom.  I have found that when my food is straightned out and I am treating MYSELF the way I need to be treated for my medical conditions, (which happen to include WLS for obestiy, among many other things) and manage my food addiction with support of others then my insides don't feel so fearful and I actual have a certain amount of peace regardless of what is going on in life. :)  Hope things work out for you however it goes

There are a lot of really great responses to this thread. I just want to add my own quick one.

I used to be a healthy fat person. I did a lot of things. Slowly over the years (sometimes without my even realizing it), my abilities got smaller. Eventually, I wasn't healthy anymore. Now that I've lost a lot of weight, I am definitely healthier, stronger, able to do even more things than when I was "fat healthy".

I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.