How To Support Partner Having WLS

When I read your post the thing that comes to mind is that you are afraid of all the potential changes that this MAY bring to your relationship with your loved one. Each of you have the right to make decisions for yourself and what you feel you are ready to tackle right now. I think you are smart to anticipate that things will change. I think individual and/or couples counseling is wise. It is saying you care enough about your relationship to work on making sure it withstands changes to come. I did not have my surgery solely for vanity reasons and/or to conform to societal expectations. Sure, I like looking better and wearing smaller, more stylish clothes but my decision was  based on health issues and feeling "old" when I am only 59. I want to dance at my grandchildren's wedding and see their babies grow! I think you are brave to come and post your thoughts and feelings on his site but I do think you have some inaccurate, preconceived ideas of why people choose WLS. I had considered this for quite some time before following through. The choice and timing is personal and has to be right for whoever chooses this path. I applaud your insight in not wanting to sabotage his efforts. Respect is the cornerstone of any relationship and just like you are respecting his choices, he will need to respect your choice not to pursue this path and to continue to eat as you please. I think with commitment you both can make this work. Good luck!

Thank you! I am afraid. That's kind of why I wanted to hear from people who've gone through it. And I said I could be totally off base. These things are my feelings, but by no means are they a judgment on people who choose WLS. It's a really brave thing to choose to have surgery. I just said FOR ME, weight loss and self hate have always been intertwined in my attempt to be good enough, meet the standards of my family, be a "good daughter," etc, so it's hard for me handle stuff related to dieting. But I do want him to be happy and healthy, and I will do whatever it takes to either support him or get out the way because I love him. 

I didn't cave to societal pressure. My weight was killing me. So I made the choice to extend my life and have surgery. It had nothing to do with not being able to handle being fat. It had to do with not wanting to die early from obesity. 

Well said. I understand that and I respect your courageous decision to do what was best for you. 

Hi,

I'm only one week in from surgery, so take this with a grain of salt...I'm still very new at this!  I thought I could offer some perspective on your partner's POV.  My husband is overweight (though only about 50lb -- not really a candidate for surgery.)  His choices are his choices, and I respect that.  He doesn't need to change what he eats because I do, he doesn't need to exercise just because I do...he needs to take care of himeself in ways that are right for him.  I don't judge him, just as he doesn't judge my choices (even though they can sometimes suck for him, like spending his birthday in the hospital with me post-surgery.)  We support each other.  That's it.  

Have you talked to him about it?  It's really hard, I'm sure.  But ask him what expectations he has for you post surgery, then decide what you can live with.  If going out to eat or cooking together is a big part of your relationship right now, that kind of stuff probably won't continue -- at least not for a while -- but I'm sure that's not all you have in common!

All my best to you both.  Hope everything works out.

I love that about asking him what he expects from me. I think that will be a great way to know if I can live up to the challenge and give him everything that he deserves. And it's a respectful way for me to bring it up without demoralizing him! Thank you! 

I adore myself whatever weight I am but I hate every pound of fat that I dragged around for ten years of being 145 lbs over weight.  It was holding me back, keeping me from feeling attractive and killing me.  I am half way through this journey at four and a half months and I feel better about myself every day. Despite loving myself unconditionally, I respect and admire myself for the choice I made to get healthy and fit.

To be honest, if I had a significant other who was 145 lbs over weight and decided to stay that heavy while I changed my life,  I would probably leave them behind.  Not because of what they looked like, simply because we would be going in completely different directions in life.

I know it's not very PC of me, but how are you going to cope with loving a man who suddenly becomes good looking and desirable by societies standards.  There are a lot of pretty and thin women out there in society.   

Thanks for that perspective. I have often worried that he might want to leave me. Ultimately I hope he's not shallow. I don't believe he is, and I started dating him when I was around 155 pounds and he was significantly overweight. I actually thought he was attractive anyway and he seriously is an amazing guy. He's friendly, loving, kind, and really funny. If he did want to leave me that would be okay, as long as he's happy. I'm mostly just concerned about throwing him off. I've lost weight before hence the reason I was at 155 pounds (granted that was still 25 pounds over weight), and I didn't feel better. I felt exactly the same only in smaller clothes and I hated the unwanted attention and the sudden approval from people who never gave it to me before. I was just so miserable last time I was smaller. And I was afraid to eat. Towards the end of that, I was on one drink and one protein bar a day. If I could find a way to lose weight and not feel horrible (emotionally, mentally), then I would probably consider it. But I tend to feel very angry and depressed whenever I try, so I've decided to attempt to be a fit fat person (if that's even possible). And what gets me down the most about his situation is he's just sad about it, and just done with the weight. I can respect that, I just need a way to cope with all the emotions it triggers for me. 

Your fear of maintaining a healthy weight and being admired and accepted for it might be a good reason for someone who loves you to be sad.  Especially when they are considering losing weight and being healthy.  I don't think it's shallow for someone to want to move on and away from a partner who actively chooses to continue living a lifestyle that they are rejecting for a healthier and more socially acceptable one.  To me it seems mentally healthy. 
It's not as if you don't have a choice.  You say that the reason that you gain all of your weight back was because you were miserable being small and you didn't like the attention.  How are you going to feel when he is the one to get the attention?  What if he likes it? Maybe you should just stick by your guns, enjoy your life and stay out of his way while he does what he has to do. His life is about to change for the better if he get's the support and encouragement he needs and not be made to feel guilty about getting better.

I don't want him to feel guilty. That's not at all what this is about. I want him to feel healthy and happy. If he likes the attention, then great! If anyone likes the attention then great! I didn't like the attention and I didn't like getting hurt. What I meant by that is I would accept the man without arms, legs, eyes, whatever. He's great. I will accept him any way that he chooses to be. And I do encourage him, though I don't think that necessarily means I have to change too. I just wanted to have a way to deal with the emotions it brought up for me, so I DON'T do anything to damage his chances. If that's sticking to my guns and getting out of the way, then that's what I'll do.