How To Support Partner Having WLS

I applaud your partner and am glad he is taking the opportunity to improve and lengthen his life.

For the vast majority of us on here, confirming to any societal judgement was only a very minor part of our decision - if any part if it at all. For most of us, we wanted to cure current or prevent almost certain later ill- health. All those things associated with being morbidiy obese.  Diabetes, heart disease, strokes, some cancers, damaged joints etc..

There is a very good reason it is called morbid obesity, it is because it is killing us. 

Thank you. I really appreciate that insight. This just means that he's trying to get better, to live longer, and be healthier...nothing more. And that really should be applauded. 

I used to be fat and happy  healthy fit person...until I was not... happy fit or healthy

Now i wish WLS like the sleeve was available to me when I was younger so I would not end up the way I am now..with permanent back issue, sciatica, stretched skin, and metabolic issues that RNY and very strict diet can help. 

50 lbs over normal weight - I would say - no big deal.. 150lb  you don't know until you would what impact that weight has on your joins. 

But as long as you are happy and the weight does not limit your options to do things you love to do...they good for you.. and I really mean it.

But when i was at my highest weights - 80-90 lbs over what I am now - traveling was not very pleasant.. doing yoga, even simple task of using a ladder.. . or a stool to step on.... 

but in reality - my back issue forced me to finally do drastic things... like RNY...

Yea, I'm still kind of on the fat and happy healthy fit thing. Perhaps it isn't possible, but I hope it is. That's a good point about the joints. He tells me he's in a lot of pain all the time. It's good to have reminders of all the things he can't do right now, knowing what motivates him keeps me ready to cheer him on. Maybe I'll make a list of all the things he doesn't like right now, just so I can have a mental reminder of why this is so important to him. 

Losing weight = me hating myself?  Oh contraire, my friend.  Eating myself up to 260 lbs. at my heaviest was me hating myself.  

Losing weight was the most loving thing I could do - to put the diabetes in remission, to improve my liver function to "normal", to get my blood pressure under control and to cure my sleep apnea.  

My doctor says I've literally added at least 10 years to my life.  Ten years that I get to enjoy my kids, my grandkids and the rest of my family.  That is NOT me hating myself.  That is me finally living my life and loving it and wanting to be around for it.  

That's great. I'm glad to hear that your health is better and I hope my partner has the same outcomes. I want him to live for a very long time. I wrote the self-hate thing refering to how I feel about losing weight, but not as a reflection on people who have done it or are doing it. I'm sorry I did not articulate myself better. This helps me see how he might feel. Maybe he will become more enthusiastic about his life from having the surgery. I would love to see him as joyful as you seem to be and I would love to hear him say that he loves his life. 

Ditto what has already been said by everyone here.....AND....seriously, go to Al-Anon or similar. My experience, FOR ME is that when i hit bottom with my food, food had become FOR ME like alcohol is to an alcoholic.....now there are a LOT of heavy drinkers that are not alcoholics.....no one who is addicted is going to ce ready to change til THEY say they are addicted. HOWEVER.  There ARE Overeaters-Anon, but they are few and far between. So that is why I am suggesting Al-Anon. It's the same program of recovery. The substance is different, but the family problem is similar. And it's very cheap. :).   Mostly, once someone in a family makes a decision to do something majorly different about THEIR PROBLEM.....the other family members are sort of thrown off balance. When my sister lost her weight, I lost my eating buddy. I also lost someone who would run me to the store, since she was shopping at the farmers market. I also saw her spending time with new friends at the gym. This made me feel a lot of sadness and lonliness and fear.....I was afraid she was going to try to make me eat the way she was eating. I was afraid she wasn't going to like me anymore. I would imagine in an intimate relationship there would be fears about how things might go on in (or out of) pajamas. I was totally happy with my self and not interested in changing my life, but i was afraid that her changes were going to force me to change when I was not really signed up for that. I am basically a status quo kind of gal, and i don't like people messing with me or my fried chicken!  Or my drive through. Or my ice cream. Besides. I say I love you with food. How am I going to say I love you to my sister?  So.......her changes REALLY affected me.  What I got from talking with other people who are going through a (somewhat) similar change in a family member is that

1. I am not alone

2.  The addicted person is doing what they need to do (or not, if they relapse) to save their own ass

3. what other people think about me is not my business.

4.  I have my side of the street, they have their side of the street. I have my hula hoop of stuff I can change, they have thiers.

5. There are ways that we can work together.

My current partner eats all kinds of food that I absolutely cannot eat since surgery. "I" have learned to be tolerant and compassionate because I know how it feels to be shamed for being fat, and constantly having to say "I like myself" ---I did like myself when i was fat. I have learned so much more about taking care of myself since i got the medical attention i deserve. The part that isn't irritated just because my partner decides to do something off the wall and paint the house green. That AFFECTS ME.  The part that can detatch from his food choices because it's his body his choice, and yes, it hurts to watch in the last year how his blood sugar is now uncontrolled diabetes where two years ago he was shooting basketball with his grandson. I love him and care about him. He made a choice to stick it out with me when I decided to have what he considers to be a TERRIFYING surgery because I HAVE CUT MY STOMACH and HAD COMPLICATIONS and he is Freaked to No End by doctors and hospitals. And, he loves ME. my soul. And I love him. So we talk about our hula hoops and what part is mine and what part is his and we work it out. Some days I cook. Some days he has to cook because, as a Food Addict I can't be in the kitchen or I will overeat. I am like a drunk in a bar. And in the early days after my surgery some of the food made me nauseated. It was a little strange to eat one egg in a restaurant while he ate three hamburgers. We deal with it. And move on. I have support for my surgery, and I have support for myself because I also live with a food addict. two different things.  For Al-anon purposes, Alcohol is alcohol, and at the same time, addiction takes MANY forms. Good luck.

Wow. I really relate to that. Especially the part about being thrown off balance. Great suggestions. I'm glad to see that people can work together. 

If you decide to go, there is a lot of talk about a Higher Power....I just think of it as Good Orderly Directions for my mixed up life and just let it go.......mostly it's just folks helping each other. ALSO  Don't let people tell you it's only for alcoholics. It's for families affected by the disease of addiction. Over eaters Anonymous (and Similar Groups were started in the rooms of AA...and cooperate with that group when there are not a lot of other meetings. Check online also, there might be some online support . But Al-Anon is usually available in most major cities.   There is all kinds of experience, some that I want to have some that i don't, but there are practical solutions if I look. And message me any time you want. Im not on here as much as I used to be but i do check in. Good luck to you