How To Support Partner Having WLS

Today, I went to a WLS seminar with my partner of ten years. He is living with morbid obesity and several comorbidities and has decided that he would like to pursue WLS to improve his health. I am also considered morbidly obese at approximately 150 lbs. over the recommended weight range for someone at my height. However, I do not feel like WLS is a part of my journey at this time, and I also have no real desire to diet. My weight does not affect my life in the same negative ways that it seems to affect his. Frankly, I love myself and I don't see how being fat means that I don't have intrinsic value. To me weight loss = capitulating to societal pressure to meet certain beauty standards. It means you must hate yourself. I realize that I could be completely off base and my response could be a defense mechanism caused by living in a fat-biased society and constantly feeling like I need to be defensive. I've considered breaking up with him because I don't want to mess up his chance at health and happiness. I can handle being fat, but I realize that some people can't. Has anyone experienced this? Does anyone know of support groups for fat partners of WLS candidates? I just want to do what's right for him. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I would advise you to try your best to not resent your partner for his choice. Your current health may not be compromised by your weight, but it sounds like his is and he's taking what he feels are appropriate steps.  He's going to be going through a lot of changes physically, mentally and emotionally and he will definitely be needing your support through them  

You also need to realize that you will be losing your eating buddy and if most of your activities are food-centered, that will likely change. 

I don't know of support groups for your specific situation, but individual or couples counseling is probably not a bad idea. 

Good luck to you both! :D

Jen

Thank you for your suggestions. I do think that counseling might be a good idea, especially for me. I think you hit it on the head when you said resentment, because I do feel angry. Angry because even though I'm so big, I still try to live a full life. I did a 5k (granted I was one of the last 5 people to come in), I still like to take long long walks (they relax me), work out, and participate in social activities, but he usually feels a lot of anxiety about all of those things. And that makes me really sad! And I don't eat around him. If I do I eat a lot less than I do when I get home because I don't want to trigger any overeating for him. And I respect his journey. I try to encourage him to prep for his surgery, and I've agreed to go swim with him. I love him too much, and I do see how extra weight is hurting him. Self-acceptance is just a huge deal for me. And I guess I felt like if he can't accept himself, does that mean that he thinks I have a problem too? Maybe I do, but that's for me to figure out and I think counseling is a great idea. Thank you! 

I am glad to hear that you are supporting your partner by going with him to the seminar . And even to the extent of realizing you may have to end the relationship in order for him to be successful . You seem to have completely different views on how weight affects ones life . And it very likely could cause some issues down the road .

I respect your opinion , however I find some of the statements you made in your post quite provocative . I am going on the assumption that you are female , and going by your estimate of being 150 lbs over weight , I'm guessing if you are average height you may ?be around the 280 - 300 lbs mark ? I began this journey around the same . My highest ever weight was 320 . And I really have to say , that my choice to have WLS had absolutely nothing to do with conforming to pressure in a beauty driven society . And also I have never hated myself ...ever ! Quite the opposite in fact . I loved myself enough to know that what I was doing to my body by overeating and not looking after my body , was damaging , very damaging . I loved myself enough to know I could not continue to do so if I valued myself and my life . I kind of feel the opposite to how you put it . I know I am valuable , therfore I choose to take care of me . Maybe I waited too long , yes , but I always knew I had to do something about how I was living my life .  My choice was based on the fact , that due to my weight , I suffer from high blood pressure. I have degenerative disc disease which is most definitely exacerbated by my weight . I am/was in pain most days . I am , in my opinion , extremely lucky that I did not suffer from diabetes . I do believe , strongly , it was only a matter of time before I did . I struggled with most daily activities ....like getting shaving my legs ...putting socks on 'normally' ,and even sometimes , cleaning myself in the bathroom ! Not to mention all the things that were just downright off limits ...like run ! Run after my child who is my whole world . couldn't do that . Come to think of it , I'm pretty sure my weight is the main reason I could not conceive again after having my son . He is 7 now , and I've never been able to give him a brother or sister . Not for the lack of trying . And if we get on to THAT subject , sex ? Not much fun either at 320 lbs. Very limited . 

I say all this because , I believe that even if you feel that your weight does not affect you negatively at the moment , I urge you to think about your future . Being obese , we are more than likely to keep gaining . Especially if , like you say , you have no desire to even diet . You may not have any issues at the moment , but you will for sure if you continue this way . It's simply fact . 

I do agree with you about society being biased  at times . And yes I admit to wishing to be ' normal ' and so on . But ultimately , my weight got the better of me and my body . That overcame the notions of being skinny and ' beautiful ' and so on . I'm not suggesting you have WLS , but I am suggesting that you really have a look at the real reasons your partner is choosing this surgery. I'm sure they are to better his health and his overall quality of life . Maybe instead of choosing to end your relationship  , you could stay and try to support him . Maybe adapt some of the changes into your own lifestyle .See if they have any positive effects on your health and also , your relationship . You may be surprised . 

I wish your partner all the best in his journey and of course you too in whatever path you choose . 

Jax x

Very nicely said.

Really great reply

This is a great response.  Really, you say it all so I'm just going to agree.  

^^^ What she said.

Opting to have surgery was not for vanity.  It was because I could feel my body failing me and I didn't want to live the rest of my life in pain.  It's easy when you're younger to think that being obese won't catch up with you, but it will.  Gravity takes its toll on your joints and organs.  

I am not a conformist to society's definition of beauty by any stretch of the imagination.  Having WLS was purely to live a longer, healthier, pain free existence.

Thanks. If he feel better like you do that that will be a positive impact on the relationship. He won't feel miserable anymore and I won't feel miserable about him feeling miserable. 

If you love this man, I recommend getting off of your high horse and keeping those comments to yourself around him.  You're telling him that he has no value because he's choosing to not be obese.  It's about as unfair as you feel society treats you.  You cannot have it both ways, I'm afraid.  It's okay to love yourself just the way you are, but don't hate others who choose the other path.