I'm going to be alone forever

I had a realisation on New Years that I am going to be single forever. I laid out all the reasons and looked at it and thought, nope, I'm going to be alone forever. I'm not actually that sad about this as in some ways I thought I knew it already, but I guess that is part of the problem.

 

I realised my weight or looks isn't what was stopping me being in a relationship - there are plenty of people bigger than me, or more unattractive than me (realistically I'm not very attractive even if the weight isn't considered). What is stopping me being in a relationship is my personality, how I express myself and my values. I really like my personality, so I'm not going to change that, but I realised it's obviously unattractive to other people when looking for a partner.  I have a lot of really great, amazing friends, so my personality isn't unattractive to other people entirely, just in relationships. Then I started thinking of all the things that would be needed for me to be in a successful relationship, and what an impossibility it would be to find this person.

 

The winning person would need to:

1. Love my eccentric personality.

2. Dig my irreverent sense of humour

3. Have values that are closely aligned to my own in terms of being relatively socially liberal, etc.

4. Accept my past and history in a non judgmental way.

5. Accept that I am a single mum to a 4 year old from a gay donor father who is also a close friend and that is somewhat involved in our lives, and that he struggles with his mental health and can be an arsehole at those times.

6. Be attracted to my physical appearance.

7. Not be someone who would let me walk all over them as then I wouldn't be able to respect them.

8. Not be someone who would try to control me, as I just wouldn't put up with that kind of ****!

 

AND THEN

 

THEN!!!

 

I have to be all this towards this person!!

And we're supposed to bring out the best in each other, etc etc. I'm so independent I've never really been bothered by the idea of not having a partner. I've had one relationship in my life that lasted a year, and it really should have ended after a few weeks. I remember when I was on a parenting forum and one woman was saying that her husband had never changed a nappy of their then 10 week old baby, and someone else chimed in saying theirs hadn't either, and I thought "WOW, this is why I'm never going to be in a relationship, I would NEVER put up with that!" I would have gone ape**** about it well before then.

I know relationships are about compromise, and I would be willing to compromise on some things "Okay we will go on holiday to Wales even though I have no real interest in going there" or "Okay we can watch this on tv, even though I think it's dumb" etc, but I suppose those things aren't enough. I'm so independent I've always just done what I want to do in life and haven't really thought about doing it alone as a bad thing. Who is going to want to be with someone so independent, how would they even fit in, and would I even want someone to?

 

I am 31, and I have:

Couchsurfed through Eastern Europe alone

Moved to a different country with a 2 year old where I knew nobody and had no job and no place to stay, alone

Decided to have a baby with the help of a donor friend alone (told no one until I was 5 months pregnant)

Cut myself off from my mother and one of my brother's who I feel are negative influences in my life (this has been for YEARS).

Decided to have VSG on my own without telling any family and only 2 friends, and done all that on my own.

 

There are worse things than being alone like feeling like you have lost who you are to another person's wishes and needs. I was married (far too long!) and have now been single for 19 years and I far prefer this to molding myself into someone I am not. I have become very independent and am not willing to give that up. Good for you.

I'm very difficult to get along with (I prefer to wear the pants but I have to be with someone who doesn't submit), I have 3 daughters , I'm a horrible cook and I hate to clean (I do it reluctantly), I'm a ***** (proud of that) and yet I married (and have had many relationships in my life previously).  I don't let being in a relationship define me.

I don't talk to a lot of my family members.  I'm a firm believer in that just because a person is related to you doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them.  

Just worry about loving you and having a good life.  The right person might come along and if they don't it seems like you have a pretty good life right now.  

You seem like a very strong woman with all that you have accomplished!

Kudos to the single life!, but ya gotta have the friends with benefits too! Batteries aren't everything! LOL

First off, there's nothing wrong or bad about being single -- 

That said, you pretty much described me -- except that I didn't have a child with a gay friend -- but that was certainly on the table but I met my husband and soul mate.  So, you just never know.

 

1. Love my eccentric personality.

- Obviously not a barrier

2. Dig my irreverent sense of humour

- A plus for many

3. Have values that are closely aligned to my own in terms of being relatively socially liberal, etc. -

-Why is this so important to you? That cancels out so many good men. And what if you fell "in love" and HIS opinions changed? Would you not love him, still? IMO these things are not what makes us who we are. Maturity over mindsets. This is a strong barrier

4. Accept my past and history in a non judgmental way.

- A can do

5. Accept that I am a single mum to a 4 year old from a gay donor father who is also a close friend and that is somewhat involved in our lives, and that he struggles with his mental health and can be an arsehole at those times.

- Troublesome, yes. Two is company, three oft times a crowd. But workable being he is gay, your child's father, and sounds funny

6. Be attracted to my physical appearance.

-Of course. Same expectations we all have of each other

7. Not be someone who would let me walk all over them as then I wouldn't be able to respect them.

- Fairy typical

8. Not be someone who would try to control me, as I just wouldn't put up with that kind of ****! -

-Regular stuff

nothing here suggest to me why you would think you will not find an intimate life partner to love, and one to love you. if that is what you really want. being single / alone isn't bad, either. but it is if you do not want to be. sounds like you have carved out a nice life for yourself, though. a bit eccentric, unconventional, open minded. lot's of men would like that....but might not BE like that, you see? otherwise you sound fairly ordinary. don't think yourself too special or unique for someone to live with, because you aren't

loosen up on 3. and imo the world of men, women, lovers, whatever you want might open up to you. but even then if that is what is important to you, sounds reasonable. 

For me, #3 is the cornerstone of every strong relationship I've ever had.  It's definitely not something I'd be willing to loosen up on when choosing a life partner so I think the OP is spot on for knowing it's important to her as well.  

Gwen, think it is just about the most important for me too! 

I took a while to reply because I was reflecting on this. I think many of the things I have listed aren't barriers but complicating factors. The thing about the values IS important to me. When I talk about values I am talking about how we fundamentally look at the world and our place in it. I would never be able to go out with someone who was really racist, or homophobic, or disparaging about those with mental health issues. I wouldn't be able to go out with someone who valued traditional gender roles in the home. Or someone who didn't value education. Just some examples, but those are things I don't think I could compromise very much on!!

Giiiirl in my opinion, you really seem like a great person!!! Move to Southern Cali. You'd fit right in over here lol I want to couch surf so badly but haven't had time to go anywhere in years! I hate having to work!!! Chin up! I've been single for years and have no complaints whatsoever! Like you, I have come to the conclusion that a relationship/marriage may not be in my future due to who I am. Wish I would have been brave enough to have become a single mother in my late 20s early 30s, but I have no regrets. You ROCK!!!