new member- parent of obese teen

as a "large" woman yourself,are you modeling for her,better ways to eat and choices to make? Or are you "eating buddies"? Have you considered WLS as a team,or even you,yourself and if she seen your success she will also get on the wagon,so to speak?

WOW!!  All of the responses to your post here have been wonderful suggestions.  I would heed them.  This is why...

I am now 58 years old, widowed,severe arthritis for the past 15 years and several fall related injuries.  I am pre-surgery for the sleeve after having the lap band and regaining the weight lost from it.  That's the back history just for you.  But the one bit of my history that was the most painful ever in my life came when I was 19 and only weighed 155. 

I went to visit my grandmother with my best friend who was as skinny as anything.  One day, my grandmother said to me, "you know Karen, you have such a pretty face.  If you could just loose that weight....."  I know she meant well, was not trying to hurt me.  But that pain still lurks in my mind.  I no longer give it the power to hurt me but I allow it to reside there for one purpose.  Today, that purpose is YOU. 

Meant only with sisterly love, please heed these posts or you will regret it later.  Be the silent example.  Your daughter is unfortunately, going to suffer many incidents of pain because of her weight.  Society is mean like that.  But she has to come to make the changes on her own.  Just be there, when it happens, and don't do "I told you so" to her.  Just be whatever support she needs and she will love you so much for it.

Thank you, everyone. I chose not to share a lot of details here, but we have already done pretty much everything you have all suggested, for years.

My daughter has been in therapy since she was very little, and we have many doctors who help with her medical and emotional issues. Her birthfamily are almost all morbidly obese so she is fighting against some pretty difficult genetics. . . . .  She's been to multiple programs on nutrition and exercise, and i already model for her healthy eating and regular exercise, (although like most of us who struggle with our weight, I am not always successful, I am big but not MO and I am pretty fit, working out at least 3 X week.)  

The hardest part is that she has oppositional defiance disorder, as well as depression and anxiety issues... so anything I try to do to help quickly turns into a battle... and although she is 17, and as one person suggested, should be old enough to make her own decisions, she is not really capable of that right now. she can barely make it to school most days, and although very bright, had to repeat 9th grade because of her depression.

I try to provide healthy food and limit access to other stuff but I have to have SOME food in the house (I have a second daughter who is very thin and active and who needs food!) and if I don't have something she will eat, she binges at school, or becomes depressed and won't leave her room. She will binge on anything.... we almost never have things like cookies or chips or snack food, but she'll binge on huge bowls of brown rice, or whole grain cereal, or fruit and cheese, if that is all there is. 

so it's not a simple matter of carrot sticks in the frig and walking from the far end of the parking lot... though your responses are helping me recommit to being more rigid about controling what comes into the house and just prepare to deal with her negative reactions calmly.  When she was younger we actually locked up all the food for several years, including the frig, but it just turned into a power struggle and a game of her trying to find and steal the keys. By the time she was 13 I realized that was crazy and she had to have some self-motivation about controlling her weight.

I wish I could find a group of parents with similar struggles... coping with teenagers who are seriously obese but also have other health isssues (both mental and physical) that complicate the situation.....  if anyone knows of such a site, please let me know.  

I AM interested in reading here about teens who have had surgery. I used to be opposed to the idea of her having surgery but as she gets larger and larger I just feel like her health and life are being soooo negatively impacted that I am starting to explore this option. I know she is not mature or stable enough at this time for a surgical option, but I want to start educating myself for that possible eventuality.

Thanks again everyone

Thanks for providing this - it really is good to know.  But still, there is little you are going to be able to do for her in this regard.  I think tho that if you could contact a therapist in your area, it would help you to find such programs as you mentioned above.  Maybe go onto FB and look for a group such as Obesity in teens, Parents of Obese Teens, Teens with Obesity, etc.  Search along those lines, you might find something.

She is lucky to have you for her mother, you obviously care very much about her.  But you know, if I were in your shoes, which I am not, therapy for me would be of top priority to give me the tools I seek to help myself and my daughter. 

I wish you so much luck.  Hugs.

You might want to talk to a surgeon about VSG.  I would not recommend RNY for a teenager due to the nutritional deficiencies risk after surgery and the fact that vitamin compliance is so important for RNY folks, but with VSG, you're supposed to take a multi and some calcium but it's a lot less vitamins than for RNY folks.  I don't know how your daughter would feel about surgery and it is possible to regain weight afterward if you binge on high calorie foods so it wouldn't make much sense to have surgery if someone is not ready to commit to a healthier lifestyle, but it might be a lot easier for her to control her portion sizes after WLS.

Make you could contact a children's hospital and ask if they could refer you to a group for parents of obese children?  In addition, seeing a therapist yourself sometimes might help.  Not because I think you have mental health problems or anything like that, but  good therapist could help you kind of sort out what are your issues and what are her issues, if that makes sense.  A therapist could help you develop a plan for dealing with your feelings about her issues and help you deal with your frustration and also help you prepare and plan for how to deal with her  negative reactions.

I used to be a social worker and I worked with parents and teens, specifically.  I remember one mom and her teenage daughter and the daughter was overweight, though not morbidly obese, and the mom was constantly trying to control her daughter's eating and exercise.  And the daughter was determined not to let mom be in control.  And it became such a source of frustration for both of them.  I kept trying to get mom to focus on the things that were totally in her control and to let go of the rest and she couldn't do it.  And it was just pushing her daughter further and further away.  It got to the point that anything mom said, the daughter perceived as a criticism, even if it was truly meant as a compliment.  And the daughter did not want to talk to her mom about anything because she was afraid mom would bring up her weight.

I know it's terribly hard to see someone you love struggling and I know you want to help.  Unfortunately, a lot of the things we think would help don't help if the person we want to help isn't ready to receive that help.  And of course her depression and anxiety make the eating issues worse, and being obese probably worsens the depression and anxiety.  Is she getting effective treatment for the depression?  Because if someone is severely depressed, they probably won't have the motivation or energy to deal with a weight problem or anything else.  When my depression was really bad, I barely had the motivation or energy to take a shower!  Forget going on a diet or exercising regularly.  And if binging makes her feel better, and she's really depressed, she's gonna keep binging because my gosh, that depression is so painful, you'd do just about anything to feel better.

If she's open to getting help for the depression, which is sounds like she is if she's been willing to go to therapy, working on getting that under better control might be the best starting place.

I'm sorry your daughter and your family are having such struggles. I am glad she is in therapy. My kids both came to me through adoption, too. I hope you find the right course of action to help your daughter.

All the extra info makes sense. And makes it clear just how hard this is.

i don't have any answers but take care of the surgical options. They all require real commitment and the ability to make mature, informed choices. It is possible to eat round all of them and then you are still obese but with a surgically altered body and probably an even lower self-esteem. People think it is an easy option (not implyng that YOU do) and then fnd that, although it my be easier, it is not easy! From the way you describe your daughter, I feel she may not be a good candidate for surgery. 

My very best wishes.

This post breaks my heart. I can only imagine what you're going through. Wanting the best for your daughter but not really knowing how to go about getting there or if it's even possible without causing even more emotional damage. I work with children with various emotional challenges such as OD, anxiety, OCD, bipolar etc, so when you say everything becomes a battle, I know exactly what you mean! I truly hope you come across some information and support that works. No idea where you live or what your school system is like there, but here in southern Cali, we have counselors and support groups that our students can benefit from. Perhaps you can Check and see if that is available there?? All the best!!! Big hugs!!

This post breaks my heart as well. I don't have anything to add to the above, but I can validate the pain of your experience. My dd was always lean until her first year in college. A bad break up, she went off of her ADD meds, lost impulse control and has also become a binge eater. There is a picture of her on my profile... she was sometimes mistaken for a model. She is now so unhappy and so big. I'm a therapist but I've made plenty of mom-mistakes anyway. It's very true that adolescent girls take all advice or opinion as criticism. There are also other things about teenage brains that make being rational with them very very hard. Best overall book for teenage behavior, the one I refer my patients to, is Yes Your Teen is Crazy. Good luck, fair winds, I know how miserable you must be.