new member- parent of obese teen

Hi, My 17 y.o. daughter is extremely obese ( probably up to 385 now) and also has many emotional issues. I am just looking for support, chat rooms, information... anything to help me (and her.) I am a large woman myself and have always struggled with my weight but my daughter (who joined us by adoption) is almost twice my size, and resists all efforts for trying to lose weight. It's painful to watch her struggle, and yet to refuse all help from me. Does anyone know of online chats for parents of obese teens?  THANKS 

The best thing you can do is to set a good example through your actions instead of anything else.  Which has got to be hard, but anything more than that will only backfire.  Be 100% supportive of her and work on changing your own lifestyle and modeling healthy behaviors.  

Good luck to you both.

I believe there are forums/boards on here that are for family members. That being said, I agree with leading by example. By your own admission you are a 'large woman'. She needs to see you making an effort.  You can't control everything but you can control what is in your household. Get rid of the junk, and have healthy family meals. Good Luck!

I would put a lot of effort into the things you can control and not try to control the things you can't control.  Like, you can control what food you buy and keep in the house.  You can't control what she eats when she's not home.  You can control what you eat and how much exercise you get, and therefore set a really good example.  You can't control everything she eats or make her exercise.  You can do little things like when you take her to the store, park a little further away so you both end up walking further - you don't have to tell her that's why you are parking where you park.  But you can't make her do things like that all the time.  You can make things available to her, like exercise equipment or videos, a registered dietician if she wants professional advice, etc. but you can't make her utilize those resources.  So I would just put your energy into the things you can control and not frustrate yourself and your daughter trying to control things that are out of your control.

You might also encourage her to come to this site and read the posts here.  I know I was hopeless about my M.O. until I found OH, and then I gradually gained hope that there might be an answer to my problem.  You're right, you can't do anything that she doesn't want to do, but loving encouragement to find a new path and then standing back to let her do the walk can be very helpful.

If she has emotional issues about her size, she might not want to join in on online chat sites or with real groups.

i know it is such a hard thing to do ( everyone on here gets that, that's why we turned to the last resort of surgery) but I do agree with earlier posts. You are probably her best help here. Why not appeal to her to help you? Tell her YOU need to sort your own health out and need the help of all your family to move towards healthy eating? 

You can't control her eating away from home, but you can control what food comes into the home. At that level of obesity, just a shift in emphasis in the way she eats, rather then a strict diet, is going to result in weight loss. It could be done without any feeling of deprivation. 

Edited for typos

Be careful - you're walking on a slippery slope.  You can take control of your own health issues - but you can't "fix" your daughter.  She's 17, old enough to know what's best for her - but she has to make her own decisions.  She may get resentful if you start focusing on her weight.  "I just want to help you......." may get a response of "Don't stick your nose in my business......."

Good luck to you....and I hope things work out for your daughter too.  I know you are concerned for her.  

Facebook is the place for the type of support you are looking for.  If there is no current group, you can look into starting one of you own.   This is the perfect time of year when people will be searching for weight control ideas.  Let us know how it goes.

I would actually not suggest this. Facebook isn't as private as you might think, and if for any reason her daughter discovered the group, I believe she would be mortified and possibly drive her further away. I know when I found out my mom was talking about my weight with other people, I felt extremely betrayed. It drove a wedge in our relationship. In fact, her constant efforts to "fix" my weight problem only worsened my food issues.

My advice, support her, but don't shame her. She knows how big she is, and you can't MAKE someone care about their weight. That is a decision she has to make.

Is your daughter in therapy? It sounds like she should be. Does she have issues with being adopted? Does she feel "different" and perhaps not a real part of your family? (I only mention this because you brought up adoption). This could be contributing to her weight issues.

I hope she has someone she can talk to.