Need help re: college daughter who has become obese

Cicreogirl, the PhD Version wrote:

...the fact is that, statistically, women of all ages who are obese are less likely to be in relationships than those who are thin. (I did a mini-research project on this in grad school.) For some portions of the population (based on race/heritage and socioeconomic status), the likelihood of being obese and in a relationship is fairly low.

Thank you! This is what I'm trying to say to this group.

As already mentioned, the fact that she has stopped taking her medication probably plays a significant role in her phone call to you and the way she is feeling.  Surely as a therapist (with whatever credentials) you know the types of emotional upheaval that can result as a result of stopping various kinds of meds, even just ADD/ADHD meds.

I think the best thing you can do is to 1) assure her that you love her unconditionally and will support her in any way that you can, 2) let her know that alone does not automatically equal lonely, 3) if she relies on one particular circle of friends, encourage her to get involved in things that will broaden her social circle, and 4) encourage her to exercise various forms of positive self-care and self-nurturing when she is feeling that way.

Lora

I'm with Gwen on this.  You say you're tired of fat shaming - but you said yourself that you think she cannot find a boyfriend because she is obese.  You're in the exact same mindset that you're saying is so horrible.  Change comes from within.  There are many obese women who find love and many men who prefer curvy women, so your unspoken thoughts of her being too fat to be loved are completely incorrect. 

It's probably more of the way she presents herself.  If she is full of anxiety and self-doubt, that comes out in your face, and the way you present yourself.  Looking at the ground avoiding eye contact as you pass by someone is no way to meet new people.  Looking them in the eye and smiling, engaging in conversation has a great way of expanding your circle of friends and even attracting the opposite sex. 

The funny thing is I just had this conversation with a friend of mine. I totally agree with Lucy. All the men I know like SKINNY women! Don't get me wrong there are a few that like heavier women but not near as many as like the "skinny" women. I c it all the time and there have even been things on TV showing how men are to "skinny" woman compaired to "heavy women." It is like the rich walking away from the poor but the poor helping out others.

I learned something in OA that seems to be true.  Adult children always take advice as criticism.  I say just listen to her and don't really give her any advice.  My daughter (who is obese) always has my listening ear and support if she wants to do something about her weight, which she really doesn't at this point in time.  She has said to me things like, "Why don't I have a boyfriend."  I usually just repeat the question back to her, "Why do you think you don't have a boyfriend?"  Funny, but more often than not she'll come up with reasons other than her weight, and end up saying she doesn't really like anyone enough to date them now anyway.   That said, I have also tried to set an example for if she ever does decide to take a step in the direction of weight loss surgery or Overeaters Anonymous.

Lots of men are turned on by "chunky" women - lots!  There is something more going on here.  It is not like she is 500lbs and can't get around.  In my teens and 20's, I was always on a diet - no doubt my weight bothered me (I was terrified of becoming diabetic as both my parents suffered from the long term effects of that dis-ease) but I was out partying, keeping busy and having lots of fun.  Many men were attracted to me - many!  I danced my arse off Thursday thru Sunday partying at clubs and hanging out after work, school whatever - I had lots of energy even being a chunkster (I love my bf to call me "chunky monkey" lol).  My weight never took away my friends or social life nor romantic life had I wanted it.  

Maybe she has inherited her psych issues from you.  I think there is a 50% chance from mother to daughter (bipolar).

Let her be well.  Encourage her to live and to see a therapist if necessary.  It is not her weight - it is her mind.

All Best,

L

I'm praying for your daughter! 

Agreed. I think the question I would have is get out meeting guys, find a few she likes, and approach them. If they don't respond, she can always ask if there was something that might put them off. If it is long hair vs. short hair, I'm sure she can handle that, but if it is weight, then she would know.

Lets face it: these days with all the airbrushed models, etc. you are going to see guys and that is what they want. Whether wrong or not, it simply is. In college, they'll be looking for youth and health. Obesity does not always indicate health, a future harbinger of health and that is a part of the stigma of catching a mate.

I have only read your post as I didn't want to taint my thoughts. I would like to answer your question from a man's point of view... I am a husband and a father, so I think I am qualified to answer this for you in the most simplest of way I can think of.

Your daughter is I am sure a very beautiful person, inside and out. God don't make mistakes!

I would tell my daughter, and I have already told her this. I would tell her that if a man won't take the time to know you and love you with Gods eyes, then you do not want that man in the first place. It is that man's tremendous loss that he will have missed the opportunity to get to know a wonderful person. I would also tell her that she doesn't need a man to complete her, she is complete as is and a man cannot add anything to what she already is. He can only share in her perfection. Enjoy your time at college with friends, and her clubs, and stop worrying about getting a man. There will be plenty of time to find a man once she gets out in the real world. 

I know most of us men have a reputation of being a dime a dozen, but not all of us. A man who does not respect a woman in every way does not deserve a woman in the first place!

I hope this helps! Give her my love and tell her I said it'll be ok.