Need help re: college daughter who has become obese

I'd tell her verbatim that I'm sorry that I might have projected my insecurities onto you. That I even suggested in my own way that men are turned off by your body, because I know your value is not in your outward appearance. That there's more to you than what is physically seen, but I emphasized your outward appearance rather than your inner one.

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the difference between being alone & being lonely. They are not one & the same. You can be alone but have friends, real friends who know you. You're young what do you like?, what are your views about the world we live in? There's plenty of clubs on & off campus that you can engage in.

I'm sorry little bird, I did the best I could, it's time for you to fly, but I will always be there if you fall. That's what I'd tell her. Good luck to you both!

Of course I have *never* told my daughter that she is "less than" for any reason. This thread has been full of a lot of meanness... I came *here* to vent what I can't possibly vent to my daughter. I would have thought that the mothers here who have suffered our own body issues would have been compassionate to my thoughts, dark tho they may be. 

There are also daughters here who have dealt with the judgment you're laying down from their own mothers and friends.  Daughters are pretty perceptive - they don't need their moms to tell them how they really feel.  

 Yeah, exactly what Gwen said. Your daughter is picking up your disdain and disgust loud and clear-I guarantee it. Thin isn't a cure for being lonely and bagging a guy won't guarantee happiness. Those things are internal. Being college age is hard for everyone. You are making it doubly hard on your daughter with your negative attitude toward her weight and the emphasis you seem to be placing on her getting a boyfriend.

I have been a big girl for my entire life. I didn't date much until after high school, but my weight wasn't my biggest problem. I spent my freshman year of college hating it, not getting out there, and wanting only to come home where it was familiar. 

Sophomore year, I joined the gay/straight alliance and got a job. I finally started making some friends. What really changed me, and helped my self confidence (which was my real problem to begin with) was getting involved on campus. I met people, I made friends, and I found myself getting asked out, which was VERY new for me. 

I would advise your daughter to find something on campus she can get involved in. I became an RA, which also helped me a TON, and I loved catering events to students who were like I was when I got to school. Encourage her to go out, make friends, get out there. Even a change as simple as studying in the library or computer lab on campus can make a huge impact. 

Fat at girls get boyfriends too, but you have to be ready for it and willing. Besides, boyfriends are only a bonus to the awesome experience college can be if you make it so.

Thank you linison. My daughter has a lot of friends at school and is out and about a lot. I truly think her sad phone call was an exception to the rule of her overall happiness. This past Saturday night stung because her other friends who have significant others happened to be out. She felt excluded. And she feels confused about why it's been 2 years since she was in a relationship when she was rarely w/out one when she was younger and, yes, thin.

Getting a handle on herself is going to be key for her. I always felt better in school when I was working out and eating well, even though for me it didn't change my weight much. Knowing I could take on a few miles on the elliptical or a kickboxing class made me feel so powerful and strong and good. 

If if her confidence is hurting because of her weight gain, it will help her to find something that makes her feel awesome. The idea that she hasn't been in a relationship just because she gained weight is silly. The fact that she gained weight may have impacted her self-confidence, but that's something that can be worked on

Actually, I have to disagree with your statement that "the idea that she hasn't been in a relationship just because she gained weight is silly."

I'm not sure how old you are, or how often you interact with college age young men, but many of them (after being bombarded -- just as the young women are -- with images of super thin actresses and models) are extremely reluctant to enter into relationships with overweight young women.  As they continue to mature, they begin to gain a better perspective on things, but that takes a while.

Lora

I was a college aged young woman not that long ago. While there are lots of guys who prefer thin girls, there are lots of guys who don't' tad well. I hit my highest weight in college (350 lbs and a size 28), and I dated in college too. 

I met my husband shortly after I left college, and even then I was a size 22 and not an hourglass curvy girl. 

Just because there are some who don't mind if a woman is not thin, and just because YOU dated a fair amount in college, does not justify calling the idea that weight is keeping her from dating "silly".  

Personality (confidence, gregariousness, etc.) has a lot to do with it, to be sure, but the fact is that, statistically, women of all ages who are obese are less likely to be in relationships than those who are thin.  (I did a mini-research project on this in grad school.)  For some portions of the population (based on race/heritage and socioeconomic status), the likelihood of being obese and in a relationship is fairly low.