Need help re: college daughter who has become obese

Well, huh.

I too talked to my college aged daughter tonight.  She is also alone and a little lonely in her dorm room - and I bet it's for some of the same reasons your daughter is.  

Certainly it's NOT because of her weight/looks.  At 5'11 and a size 4 she is frequently mistaken for a model.  She's beautiful inside too, if I do say so myself.

The reason my (and I suspect maybe your) daughter is lonely tonight is because she has not yet acclimated to college life completely; while she is lonely and likes to complain about it a little, apparently she's not lonely enough to get off her backside and involve herself in more outside activities where she can meet and spend time with others her age who have interests similar to hers.

What do I tell her, verbatim?  Exactly that. "I'm sad you're lonely.  It's pretty normal to have some lonely times adjusting to a new life style. But when you finally get lonely or bored enough, I am perfectly confident that you'll find a way to get busy/meet people/entertain yourself.  You're 19 years old - I can't be responsible for your social life and it wouldn't be healthy if I were to try.  I love you and you have value.  There's a whole world outside that dorm room door.  And it'll be right there waiting when  you're ready for it.  Now go shine."

I'm sure your daughter is absolutely as beautiful as mine is.  Have you considered that her isolating may not in fact be because of her weight? You might feel better, just as a mom, if you allowed for the fact that she's just having normal college kid angst.  Skinny kiddos get lonely too. Sometimes they need a little shove, a lot of love and some encouragement. I bet she'll be just fine.

Only my thoughts of course.

PS:  my daughter also has a boyfriend.  so even that isn't a magic answer. ;)

"What would you tell your daughter verbatim?"

I'd tell her that everyone feels lonely sometimes but that comes from within ourselves. It isn't up to other people to make us happy. 

As far as realism: I've been obese since high school and have never gone more than 3 weeks without a "significant other."  Indeed, my husband and soul mate is not only a hottie but quite a bit younger.  I think it's unfair to label all men as "shallow" -- especially since you're overwhelmingly getting feedback that your contention isn't based on obese people's experience. 

Even at my highest weight, 348 lbs, I have never had problem meeting attractive, articulate, good men (along with a few ********).  

I was beautiful when I was fat and I am beautiful now. The difference is that I am now healthier.  

I have 3 daughters and I would never say the things you are saying about your daughter about one of mine.  

Weight doesn't determine whether you will have a fulfilling, loving, relationship.  Having a mother that projects her own perceived inadequacies on her daughter does affect one's ability to have fulfilling, loving relationships though.  

Happy newlywed here, pre-op at 500+ pounds. When my husband and I married, I was ~600 pounds. He is not any less shallow than a man attracted to a size 4 woman. Some men are attracted to skinny women, while some men are attracted to larger women. I personally have always been attracted to skinny men like my husband. That doesn't make me shallow, either. My husband loves me and is very attracted to me super fat, but will continue to love me and be attracted to me at any size and fully supports me losing weight because he cares about my health. But that's because our love is deep and has had a very long time to grow - if he didn't know me and saw post-op me walking down the street at 150 pounds (unlikely I'll EVER reach that, but being hypothetical here) he wouldn't have had the same immediate attraction to me. 

There are men out there with a preference for larger ladies. I won't sugarcoat it - it IS a much smaller percentage of the male population, and as a result some of the jerkier ones realize what a niche market they are and turn into players, or they're afraid of what their friends/family will think and try to get the woman they're dating to agree to a closeted relationship... have to keep an eye out for that BS. But there are real, genuine ones out there. 

I have never mentioned this to my daughter. If we look at obesity as a disease, how can we as parents look the other way? We would sound the alarm if we had diabetic loved ones *****fused insulin, correct?

I can pretty much guarantee that the last thing you daughter needs is to be INFORMED that she is overweight. So in order not to be hurtful, please keep in mind that a person who is overweight doesn’t need to be reminded of it daily, they know it already.

Frankly, the time for you to teach her healthy eating has passed. It is wholly unhelpful to bring her weight up now. 

Of course I don't inform her of her weight. She's fully aware and, frankly, has a very healthy sense of self. It just hurt me a bit when she a called feeling so down. 

As for your dig about learning healthful eating, when she lived at home we ate clean and whole foods and her photos attest to that. She was also an athlete in high school.  She went off to college, suffered a broken heart and decided to "see what would happen" if she stopped her ADD meds. Well, she lost all impulse control and ate constantly, fare that is nothing like what we eat at home.

I didn't cause this, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But I will be here for her until the day I die, supporting healthy choices, not dictating them.

her deciding to go off her ADD meds to " see what would happen" is likely the whole problem here. You didn't give us all the pertinent info in your first post.

any no,if a family member ,who was an adult,refused insulin or any treatment I wouldn't " sound the alarm". What can one do? Adults including our children have the right to make their own decisions,for good or for bad.

Being there for her means simply that - be there for her when she calls.  Don't judge her (at least not directly to her), don't project your own issues on to her.  Set a good example with your own life and habits, be there if she asks you specific questions, you could even suggest that she consider getting back on her medication (once), and that's how support works.  It doesn't work by telling her that she'll never find a mate (if she even wants one) because she's fat.  Or that she's sad and alone in her dorm room because she doesn't have a mate and she's fat.  That's not support, that's just being cruel.  

I'm sure she knows that you think fat people are unlovable, even if you've never spelled it out for her.