Need help re: college daughter who has become obese

My beautiful daughter just called me in tears: Saturday night at college and alone. Her friends are all out with their sig others and my daughter is lonely. She has also gained about 60 lbs in the past few years.  She is a stress/binge eater in denial. Actually she'll own the stress/emotional eating but not the binging. She binges though. She had several boyfriends when she was thin. None since.

She's a very good student, outgoing/extroverted, and involved in several clubs at school. In fact, she just did a belly-dancing performance at the school's pub! 

Still, I'm furious about our fat shaming culture and that men are so shallow. I'm also a realist and know that men likely dismiss getting to know her because she is so heavy. She asked me why she's alone? What would you tell your daughter, verbatim?

Huh.  I was 200 pounds (obese) when I met my first partner at age 18 and 300 when I met my second partner at age 28.  So I don't buy the whole "you can't find love if you're obese" mentality.  My partners loved me obese, and they've continued to love me as I'm working toward recovering from obesity.  I don't think they're particularly special or unique.  

I do, however, think that she will continue to be alone if she isn't putting herself out into the world to meet people.  She should figure out social hobbies that let her interact with people and get her own emotional things under control.  These will all help with dating.  (And clearly the boyfriends of her past weren't great life partners, since she isn't with them now.)  

I'd be totally devastated if my own mother ever felt the way that you do - that men were turned off by my body.  So I really hope that you don't project that on to her.  

I don't offer any commentary or advice to my daughter unless asked and then I ask what I can do? how I can be there for her? I would never say what I believe to be the awful truth. She's knows what's what. I think it's a safe place to say it here, though. It's great that you met partners who accepted you as you were, however I believe you're in the minority. Sadly.

I don't believe I'm in the minority at all.  I know plenty of obese women in great relationships.  Hell, there are tons of obese women in the forums here who were in great relationships pre-op.  But I can understand how she'd feel that she's doomed forever if you're projecting that on to her.  Why do you think that fat people are doomed to live a loveless existence?  

For dating advice, I can't recommend Captain Awkward enough.  Lots of great answers to letters and tons of solid suggestions.  

You can be there for your daughter by loving her unconditionally and not letting her know that you think fat people are unlovable.  Encourage her to improve her own life and to seek some social outlets in order to meet people.  

My experiences have been the same as Gwen's. My divorce with my ex after 21 years had nothing to do with my weight. We simply grew apart. To this day we are still great friends and consider each other, as well as our respective spouses, as family. When I met my current husband my weight was never a factor. He loved me unconditionally when I was morbidly obese, and loves me in the same way now that I am 100 Lbs lighter. 

I do not believe that people like me are in the minority. I think that we allow others to make us feel that way. I never tolerated that type of behavior from other people towards me. I'd met a man after my divorce who had recently lost a lot of weight. He started berating me (during our first date) about my weight. I thanked him for dinner and walked out of the restaurant. 

I understand that as a mother you are reluctant to interfere, and I'm not sure how I would approach this issue. Granted, there is discrimination against the obese, but there are things we are in control of and things that we are not. I can't change someone else's opinion or actions, but I am sure as hell responsible for how I behave.

Sorry if this sounds mean or uncaring. It's not. I grew up in a family in which I was the only fat person. Fortunately, my family has always treated me with respect and encouraged me to be strong.

The same with my husband. He has Mechanical Cerebral Palsey. When the medical community in his native Scotland wanted to put him into a special schol for low functioning children, his parents refused. They never treated him differently because of his disability. As he grew into adulthood he became the only English Football Referree in the semiprofessional division with such a disability. He refereed for over twenty years before giving it up.

I also agree that there is no reason you can't meet a quality partner while over weight or obese. I have as we'll as many others. What will keep one from meeting a quality partner is being down and depressed about your weight. Maybe some counseling would help her all around. 

I've got two daughters...

"MOST boys are nasty, rotten beings... especially the young ones. You're going to have to look harder and maybe wait longer... but you'll find one. Keep looking for a good one. Don't settle. There are few of them but they do exist. It's not what you want to hear, but you don't want one who just wants you based on what you look like. And if one is mean to you, Daddy will make them cry for you."

Yep. Thank you!

I would tell her not to put so much emphasis on her weight and to put more into being social and enjoying her life. Find things she enjoys doing and do them because only shallow men and women determine a person's worth by their weight and they aren't worthy of her too begin with. When she learns to love herself no matter her size then she will meet all kinds of people not just men. She has to love herself first. When I was over 300 lbs I had all kinds of male friends and a couple of very hottie boyfriends because I didn't let my weight define me. It sounds like she learned her judgement from her mother, you talk very negatively about her weight, maybe that is why one reason why she feels so bad about herself!

EXACTLY.