Would like your thoughts on spouse

This is great advice.  

Im so sorry you have to hear that kind of abusive speak. I, personally, think people who say things like that speak out of fear you will better yourself and leave him. (Hint hint!). I'd recommend speaking to a therapist who can help you to process his abuse. I'd also recommend getting into a good WLS support group before your surgery to help encourage you and hold you up. 

Get your surgery, lose your weight, hire child care and go back to work.  If he doesn't like the idea, then lose him.

I know it was hard to put this out there and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.  You and your children deserve better!

Tough love:  I really think you need to understand that it is him and not you.  Given that, after surgery will be an emotional time for you and your family.  If it isn't working now, it will not work once you lose the weight because it is not about the weight.  

I understand not wanting to leave him however, your children's emotional well being are at stake here.  Don't stay with him because of them.  If he will go to counseling you may be able to work through it all but if he does not, things are not going to change just because you weigh less than you do now.

I wish you the best!

Rhonda

Choosing to stay in a bad relationship for the sake of the kids is not better than going it alone.  I pray that when you lose weight, that you will not allow anyone to belittle you in such a way.  He is teaching his sons how to treat their wives, and it really saddens me that you allow it, for you are reinforcing that lesson.  Choosing to maintain such a horrible relationship is teaching your sons that marriage is supposed to be full of strife and misery.  I pray you have the confidence to make some positive changes for yourself.  You cannot change your husband - so don't even try.  Expect loose skin comments when you lose your weight.  He has to bring you down to bring himself back up. 

You're in a difficult situation.

First, have the surgery for yourself - not your husband.  Don't have surgery because you think it will change his attitude towards you - because it won't.  If he isn't able to criticize you about your weight, he'll criticize you for something else.  So, if you want the surgery for yourself - go for it, full steam ahead.  My SO did not want me to have surgery - but I knew I had to do it for my health.

Second - you have to think not only of your own welfare, but also your children's. Look at your situation "from the outside in" -- as if you were looking at a friend in the same situation as you are in.  What would you recommend to your friend?  "Oh, he'll probably change after you lose weight" - or - "You should make arrangements so you can stand on your own two feet so your children don't suffer" ??

I hope you can work things out for yourself and your children.  

Sweetish,

I am so sorry you are in this highly abusive marriage.  It had to be hard to come here and tell this story but here, you will have support.

My husband passed at 35, I m now 58.  Altho I have had some relationships, it turned out that those men were not what I would want after having the wonderful hubby that I had.  Not that I make them try to measure up, I don't.  But it was more that I would have been "settling" for people with whom I would have issues with their behavior, thinking, etc.  So, I am currently happy to be single.

Please, have your surgery!  Get healthy, then, as soon as you are able, get to a therapist whom you feel good talking to!!  (you should do this now).  This is essential.  You need to find out who you are because what you are NOT, is the unhealthy, fearful, lonely, person your hubby thinks you are!  You will become the STRONG, LOVING, BEAUTIFUL (INSIDE AND OUT), INTELLIGENT, FEARLESS woman you really are!  Get into the workplace, get good childcare and when you can, kick that ass to the curb.  I do not like divorce, but sometimes it really is necessary.

IN DOING THIS, you will show your children the RIGHT way to have a relationship, first with yourself and then with others.

HUGS!!!! 

Thank you for your heartfelt message.  All of what everyone has said is so very true.  What you have said particularly, made me cry because I am such a loving and caring person.  Sometimes when you never hear those things ever being said to you-you forget that you ARE all of those wonderful, beautiful things.  That is sad isn't it?  I guess I was still hanging on to the hope that maybe all of the fat jokes and put downs would stop.  But, if not "fat", it will be another thing he will start picking on.

I never "allowed" my husband to verbally abuse me.  I always addressed his abuse while it was happening.  Then he would apologize and I would forgive and pray that he wouldn't use those types of hurtful words ever again. Believe me, if I thought I could leave him and get full custody of my babies, I would.  I live in a state where custody is 50/50.  I would be a basket case if he had my kids half the time.  Sometimes it's not so easy to prove verbal abuse in a court of law.

I will not stay with a person that could forever damage my kids.  That much I do know.  But once again, the fear of the judge granting joint custody scares me to death as well.   Yes, I am in a tough spot.  You all have been a big help to me and I thank you.

I am not having the surgery "for him".  I am having it so I can run and play and live a long time for my kids.  I have heard all of you and I understand everyone's point of view and appreciate your taking the time to respond.  I am thankful you're all here for the support.  Please keep us in your prayers.

Maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor that works with victims of domestic violence, including verbal abuse, who could help you sort out your options.  If you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, you can talk to someone on the phone, but they should also be able to refer you to someone locally that you could speak to in person.  A professional could help you decide what is in the best interests of your kids and also help you figure out what is likely to happen legally with custody and stuff if you decide to leave.  The number for the National Hotline is 800-799-7233 and you can call 24/7, 365 days a year.

You having this surgery won't change him. Clearly, he does not want to change, either, since he refuses to go to counseling.

You write "I have little ones, so I don't want to leave my husband..." Is this really true, or would it be more accurate to say "I have little ones, so I'm afraid to leave my husband because I don't know how we'd manage"? There's a lot of help available out there, and your husband abuses you.

"...but I don't want the kiddos to think that the way he talks to their mommy is normal either." Enough said.