Has anyone had their husband not approve of their choice to have surgery?

About a year ago I mentioned having the lapband surgery.  My husband said  " you don't want to do that"  "there has to be something else".  So now I am looking into gastric sleeve (350lbs 5'8"). Has anyone just gone ahead and done the surgery without your spouses support?  I dont want to hear I told you so the rest of my life.

From what I've read in the past, you will certainly find others on here in your situation. Sorry that you have to deal with it.

Did you ask him for details about why he didn't like the lapband idea?  Is he better with the sleeve or other options?  Perhaps he had some valid concerns about it that could help you. Or is he opposed to any WLS?

When I first saw a surgeon who only did bands he said why aren't you looking into gastric bypass?  I told him if I liked the idea of the band being adjustable and removable if it made me ill.  Since then I have researched and decided the band is not for me.  I think my husband is afraid I could die from the surgery it's self.  Like most things you hear more about what's gone wrong and what's gone right. But then I think If I was an alcoholic he would want me to get help.  If I was addicted to drugs he would want me to get help.  Why  when food is the addiction does it have to be so different?  I don't like the idea of surgery either if it can be avoided but at my current weight I can only see hip and knee replacments in my future.  My thought is this sleeve surgery could very well save me from severa

l surgeries in the future.

If fear is the issue, the best solution tends to be education.  Get him to a WLS seminar.  Take him to support group meetings.  Let him meet your surgeon so he can ask questions.  Etc.  

Well, honestly your husband probably did you a favor in disapproving of the Band.  I have one, and have had good results and no problems, but many, many people have problems --- the band is proving to be the least effective WLS currently available.

I had spousal support -- so I can't really comment on that except to encourage you to educate your husband.

It has been said that being 100 pounds overweight is akin to having a solid tumor in your body ----- and you would certainly have surgery to remove a tumor, if possible.  At your current weight, you are about 200 pounds overweight --- and the health issues you have or are at risk for should far outweigh his concerns.

I agree about the band.  After hearing many end up with the sleeve after sometime anyway.  I think my husband is worried because after a hysterctomy i woke up and was in more pain than i ever had having any of our 4 kids.  It was like i woke up without any meds.  Needless to say i was out shoveling snow 2 weeks later when one of the kids got a 4-wheeler stuck in the snow.  Married for 27 years ,together 5 before that it's hard to imagine life without each other.  I dont think he really has any idea how much I weigh.  We dont dicuss it.  It is something only my doctors and their staff knows.   We were in a store the other day and he said 4x that would be a big guy.  I'm standing next to him in a 3x thinking I could wear that. I may have to use the tumor analogy maybe that will work

Thank you for your reply.

I agree that your husband is probably afraid for you to have the surgery, but he needs to understand that your weight is killing you now. The surgery is literally life saving. I weigh 383, and my teenaged son was against me having surgery because he was scared for me, but I sat him down, went over the facts, and told him I want to be around to see him married someday. I want to be around for any grandkids I may have in the future. :) He realises now how much pain I am in from my weight (I had never told him before), and that after the surgery I will be able to be a better mom to him. Now he is supporting me. Have your husband read over these forums so he can read first hand what others have gone through and how it's changed lives for the better in the majority of cases. That may put his mind at ease.

My observations here:

A lot of people find that when a spouse isn't supportive, it's more of an issue within their marriage. Talk to a psychiatrist. AND make him go with you(sorry, I'm assuming you're a woman). If he's only afraid of you dying, that's one thing. If he is afraid of you losing weight, gaining self confidence, and getting divorced (a common side effect) that is a completely different thing. Sometimes, we settle (I'm not saying you did, by any means, just what I know after 8 years!). Maybe he's afraid you won't be able to live a normal life. Who knows...I am a strong supporter of having your spouse go with you for pre-op appointments, so he can voice any valid concerns. After all, his wife will be undergoing a major life change- he needs to understand the risks of surgery, the risks of staying obese, and the life you will live after. If it is a deeper marital issue, you two can work together. I had my surgery alone. I wasn't married or in a relationship, and I had almost no support. It was hard. I hope you and your spouse work out whatever it is you need to make this a positive experience. 

This is a tough one. I completely understand what you mean when you say you don't want to hear "I told you so" the rest of your life.

But---you, and presumably he, want the rest of your life to be  long, healthy, and happy, and at 350 pounds, having WLS is your best chance of achieving that. Has he educated himself about life after WLS? Maybe he's unsupportive because he fears you'll be unhappy or unhealthy.

I suggest you get him to go to a seminar with your, maybe a support group. Get him to come here and read some posts from people who've been living with the various forms of WLS for a few years. (You should do this, too. Nearly all newly post-op people are 'in love' with their surgery type. Thnigs change over time.)

I'm also going to suggest that both of you research a procedure called the Duodenal Switch. It has the same stomach s the Sleeve, plus an intestinal bypass similar to, but more effective than, that of the RNY/gastric bypass. The DS has the very best long-term, maintained weight-loss stats, especially for those of us with a BMI greater than 50. It's also the best at resolving or preventing co-morbs like diabetes and high cholesterol.

In the end, this has to be your decision, because it's you who will have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life. What if you needed a heart bypass, and your husband "didn't approve"? Would you go ahead and have it any way?

Honestly?  The grilling as to why my husband thought he had any control over anything I do with my body would begin.  And if he continued to feel that way, he would not continue to be a part of my life.  

I would attempt to educate him about the surgery and I'd attempt to find out what made he think he had a right to exert control over my health choices.  I would suggest that he see a therapist to sort that issue out and offer to do couples therapy as well.