Self Pitty, Self Loathing, Depression or Realistic?

Hello, I am new to all this and scared of the future. I have never been the type of person to use support groups or forums for help, but as my surgery date gets closer The more I feel lost and alone. Lately i have been reflecting on my life and realizing what a total failure I am and it has been. How did I so fail myself that I got to 545 pounds and never noticed? How am i so self delusional that I talk myself in to believing that being as lonely as I am in my fate in life? when did I give up and why? As my surgery becomes more of a reality I am more scared not of the pain or dying on the table but is there a point to it?
Do i deserve to be happy or do i even know what that means?

I am 42 years old and I seriously wonder if I am always going to be a fat loser? I have lost 52 pounds in the past 6 months, yet I do not 'feel' any different. I keep thinking why am I going through with this life change/surgery, no one like or loves me now how will it be different at 200 pounds? What is so wrong with me that only drastically altering my body can change me? Why am I such a monster and a freak of nature?

I don't have anyone I can talk to about my life who understands and I am almost positive no one will here but I am going to try anyways. When I speak to family and friends they tell me life is going to get better and I am a great person. if this is true and I am so great why am I lonely and no one wants to be around me? How is losing weight going to change any of this?

I know this all sounds pathetic and whinny and I hate myself for being like this. I am scared that nothing is going to change other than my waist size. I want to believe but life has taught me not to trust and love is for other people. I truly hope no one can relate to any of this and no one feels my loneliness and pain but if you can or have please tell me it does change some how? 

Do i really hate myself so much that i ate myself out of the world and didn't even know I did it? How can i ever trust a lover when I will always wonder "would she love the 'old' me?"

I have done years of therapy and I cannot go back to it, I hate the concept of the only person who is willing to listen to me and talk to me will only do so for money. I guess what I am looking for is what changed in your lives after surgery to make you suddenly love yourself?

Pathetically Yours,

Jason W.

P.S. I did not prof read this or I know I would never post it.

For me, the change happened pre-surgery.  Choosing surgery was the ultimate act of self-love for me.  Choosing surgery was my way of saying, "Yes, I love myself enough to do this thing to change my life so that I'll be happy and healthy for the remainder of my life."  Every day after surgery has just been a continuation of that.  

I put in a lot of work to improve my life - I exercise, I have hobbies, I spend time with friends, I see my therapist most weeks, I treat myself to a monthly massage... all of these things are things I didn't do two years ago because I didn't love myself.  But I love myself now and therefore I'm someone I want to treat well and be kind to.  

This surgery will change your life.

Are you taking any kind of prescription drugs for depression?  I know it's tough finally looking at oneself in the mirror and saying "What have I become??" but once you've done that and made the big decision to do something about your weight problem, that is a BIG DEAL.  

Everyone on this site, whether they've been overweight by 50# or 300#, has had the same depression and fear you're dealing with.

Come here for support.  

We'll be here for you.  Please don't be afraid to voice your fears.  

This will change your life.

Hey Jason , 

First off ,well done for taking a step and reaching out , this may be just a forum , but it is , in actual fact , filled with wonderful real people , who yes , may be strangers to you , but will offer support and care about your wellbeing and progress . ( This I know to be true ) 

Your post sounds so sad and you sound very defeated ,but underneath I can definitely hear some hope there . And that is what you should reach for , if you go through with this and commit to your new lifestyle , you will be well on your way to becoming much healthier in mind body and soul . In my opinion , when we are obese our attititide to life is so warped , this in part due to how society sees/ treats us . So we tend to build barriers and withdraw a little ,for some a lot . To me it sounds like you have withdrawn a lot , and possibly created barriers between yourself and the people who you love and care about , most likely unconsciously . You say that when you talk to friends and family they tell you your life will get better and that you are a great person , so maybe they do care ? but you tend to push them away ? I could be totally wrong about these things but I do think that if you embark upon this journey ,you will be wonderfully surprised at how much your Outlook on life will change  as you get and feel healthier . And so , in turn people will respond more to you in a more positive way .

I'm not privy to the issues that helped you gain your weight ,and make you feel like you can't be loved or you can't trust anyone ,  but we all have them here , all different issues and demons . and we all have to deal with them in order to succeed at this . Gwen and Micky are right , therapy could help you get back to learning how to love yourself again and you have to be open to that . Even if you do have to pay for it . The concept of it may irritate you but it can actually work if you embrace what its for , without getting caught up in the fact they are paid to talk to you .But I think what's important is that you have made the initial step in reaching out here . This is , for me is a very valuable part of my journey so far . I have not had surgery yet , but have learned so much and not just about the surgery and food and things . I have learned how to look at things in so many different ways , and how our mental state seriously impacts our food choices. Which of course then impacts our health . 

I really hope you stay on here and continue to reach out and read and learn . I come on here almost every day , and it's such a good support . I've even met up with a lady and we have become good friends , and I hope to continue to make friends . EveryOne here has a similar problem and can relate to you so it's very comforting . 

Keep posting and let us know how you make out . I've sent you a friend request cos , we can never have too may pals right ?lol .......

When is your surgery ? and which Centre are you going through ? 

Take care and stay strong dear xx 

Jax xx

Yes, others have felt the things you describe.  It's hard, it's horrific and at the time it seems it will never end.  It takes a HUGE leap of faith to try something new and not give up.  You're doing that.  You are already on the road to "better" - you just can't see it yet.

As long as you have breath, there is hope.  

Losing weight is not going to make people love you.  It won't make you love yourself.  It won't make you trust people. 

It will make you weigh less.  It will cause improvement with weight-related health problems.  It won't fix any psychological problems or relationship problems.

I don't think most people suddenly love themselves because they have an operation on their stomachs.

I think it's important you have realistic expectations.

I know the feeling, I was 532lb at one point in my life and in a self imposed isolation from the world. I only went out when I really needed to and would rather a family member drive me, because I didn't like the looks I got from people. people who don't have a problem don't understand that we didn't make a couscous decision to become overweight. Our problem came from a place where we needed something to replace what was missing, or soothe what was done wrong to us. In my case it was sexual abuse and the absents of love. At 532lbs I had the gastric bypass February 3rd 2004 they didn't do therapy then, my dad died August 26 2003 he was my heart no man could ever love me more. I out ate that gastric and after going down to 370lbs I then went back up to 480lbs. I met dr. Paragi when he did an endoscopy on my sister, he "said you should come see me". like you I was scared and fear is something I stopped feeling a long time ago. no one knew but I secretly prayed to God to let me die, I was unloved and alone. I'm crying because your letter reminded me of that. Do like I did and give it to God at over 500lbs he kept both of us hear so if no one else loves us God dose. if you don't believe then try him now. I had the revision June 9th 2014 and for the first time since I was 16 I'm under 300lbs. I weight 260lbs, yesterday I was going through some old clothes for the winter and I found a pair of paints that fit me tight at 530lbs so I put them on with both legs in one paint leg and I fit I'm half my size and would not trade this joy for all the tea in china. My greatest joy is I want to live, and I can say with not doubt that I love my more today then I ever have. When you love yourself your more willing to share yourself with others and they will love you back. I wish you the best, and if you need someone to talk to that's not paid to listen I'm here.           

One thing I've noticed is that people often reflect what we put out there.  

As a MO person, I would avoid eye contact with strangers, trying to keep a 'low profile' in groups, trying not to draw attention to myself.  What was the result?  It's exactly what I made it to be.  People would avoid me and not engage in conversation or ask my opinion in meetings, etc.  I put out that vibe myself.

When I lost my weight after the duodenal switch, I was a different person  My confidence was boosted and I myself became more outgoing.  I found myself smiling at people as we passed each other (before I could help myself).  You know what happened?  They smiled back, nodded, said good morning.  Men held the door open for me, all of a sudden.  The most amazing thing is that my second year post-op, senior management started to see me as some kind of rockstar.  I'd not done anything different in my job, per se', but I was more approachable now, which really made a difference.  

When it comes to how people treated you before vs. how they would treat you thinner, you must understand that people are shallow without even knowing it.  Much of bias took a lifetime to create and it will likely take a lifetime to break down.  Why waste the rest of your life wondering 'what if'?  Life is too short to hold on to such bitterness, so let it go.  Embrace the NOW and be the good example for others to follow.  Engage in conversation with that obese person trying not to bring attention to themselves.  Smile and tell them 'good morning' when they're trying to avoid eye contact.  Make them feel like a valued individual.    

So, what you need to take away is:

1. You get back what you put out there
2. People are shallow - and they're not at fault
3. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to
4. Be the new example.

Believe me, Jason, as you lose weight your perspective on life will change.  You will start to feel better physically, and that by itself will lift your spirits.  You will be able to walk, and not feel winded after 10-15 steps.  I used to have to use a wheelchair if I had to get to the other end of a hallway.  Now, I can mow the front lawn without taking any breaks.  I can sit in any chair, and I can cross my legs.  I am off medications.  Some changes are small, some are big. 

You say you've lost 52 pounds but do not feel any different.  The larger you are, the longer it will take before you start dropping sizes.  On my surgery date 5/14/14 I weighed 324, and I'm down to 252 now.  I lost about 60 pounds before I noticed my clothes getting lose.  Maybe I would have noticed sooner, but I always wore big, loose tops to hide my shape.  Now I wear clothes that actually fit.  My jeans went from size 32, to size 24 today.

And because I feel better and look better, my outlook has changed.  I look forward to getting out of the house and seeing and relating to other people.  I smile all the time.  I can do things I wasn't able to do.  I used to call myself "Lard Ass" - I don't feel that way anymore.  My daughter will call some evenings and tell me she tried to call and there was no answer, "Where were you?".  I was OUT living my life.

So please, Jason, don't think you are pathetic.  We all got to our high weights and hated ourselves....but surgery will change your life.  Commit to it and follow your surgeon's plan!

Please continue to read and post.  We're really nice people.    

Hey Bro. Feel your pain! We're with you. The surgery is worth it. When we feel good about ourselves we feel good about other things. It's a journey, enjoy the sights along the way. What change for me after the surgery was belief in myself. It took a few weeks but once I began working out, eating right and knowing I was pursuing a healthier lifestyle I began to feel better. I still a long way from goal, but at least I know I'm making progress. Things WILL change. YOU will change. Hook up to the wagon bro, come along for a great ride!! Feel ya!