I Need Ideas...Suggestions

My 30 year old daughter has gained 50 lbs in the last year. Making her about 120 lbs overweight now. I believe she will continue to gain if she doesnt get away from her boyfriend, She's 5'3 250 lbs and gaining .She lives with a man that is very verbally abusive, so she eats for comfort. Or whatever reason. I see her going thru what I went thru years ago. I am really scared for her.

Whats different now is I wont let a man influence me to over eat or eat bad foods that make me fat, and unhealthy. I have tried to talk to her (without yelling) how important it is to lose weight and be healthy. She denies having an overweight problem. One would think I would be able to talk to her after what I went thru to make her wake up.When I was very obese I never denied it. I owned up to it. It took having a heart attack to make me finally do something about it. I am trying to prevent that from happening to her. She is mentally challenged a little. I changed my eating habits right after the heart attack but couldn't get my portions under control. so I went for the wls. I wish I never had Rny, I wanted my stomach stapled is all.  Whats done is done. Still proud of myself for no regain. Still maintaining. I am undergoing tests to see if I have a Hernia, nurse thinks I do. Doctor app this Friday. Is that what is going to take for my daughter to learn to lose weight.? A heart attack and possibly die.  I am lost for words anymore. I have tried talking with no luck. If you could give me a few more ideas and suggestions I sure could use it right now. I am on my way to visit her right now....Wendy

With a normal adult, I don't think you can do anything, I can imagine how it must worry you but a 30 year old has to make her own decisions and it could even be that trying to push her makes her even less inclined to change. I know when I was big, if a family member said anything, my response was defiance - I would go and eat! 

All you can do, IMO, is lead by example and support her if she asks for help. 

But you say she is slightly mentally challenged? I am not sure how much that means but if she has a learning difficulty, it is a bit different. It might be that a talk about how frightening your heart attack was, how you might have died, how size was a contributing factor etc. might help. Not you must do this. But this is what happened to me. 

It's sad how a cycle continues.  It was probably the abusive relationship you were in that led her to finding a mate that was the same.  We cannot force someone to do anything their head isn't in yet.  She's going to have her own waking up moment, with the BF as well as her weight.

The only thing you can do is set a good example.  Stop talking with her about it unless she brings it up.  She's an adult.  She decide to lose weight when she's ready.  

Leave your daughter alone.  She is an adult and she can eat whatever she wants.  It is not your business.  If she is truly mentally challenged and cannot take care of herself then go to court and get conservatorship over her and then you can have input on her eating.

There is nothing anyone could have said or done to stop my progression of obesity and if anyone tried I shut them out and avoided them.  Her eating and her size is her responsibility, not yours.

I know it hurts to see our children make poor choices, believe me, I do.  I have 5 of them, all adults and I haven't always agreed with some of the choices they've made, but I support them and love them and I don't judge them.

I would no more tell another adult what to eat then I would tell them what to wear or where to work.  Anymore then I would want someone to do the same to me.

She has to hit her own bottom, both with her weight and her relationship.  You've done your job.  Leave it alone.

I agree with the others, you are going to have to do the hardest thing there is and that is to back off and keep your mouth shut. Not one word about her weight or her BF. She is an adult and will do as she pleases, there is not one thing you can do to change her or her behavior. You are pushing her into the very behavior you don't like every time you talk to her about it. Love her for who she is right now and leave the rest be. All you can do is pray if you are of that persuasion otherwise leave her alone.

The quickest way to push her away is to "talk to her about her weight."  God, how hurtful that is.

If she has a low self-esteem, telling her she's picked a bad spouse, she's fat and headed towards death isn't motivating.  It's degrading.

Leave her alone.  The time to control and shape our children is when they are children.  She's a grown-up.

Shaming her sure won't work. She has enough against her now. I really feel for her being in a relationship with someone who is abusive to her.

All the years my mother prodded at me about my weight just made me close my ears to anything she said. If anyone has a conversation with your daughter, it would be better from her doctor, a healthcare professional, than from you.

You mention how proud you are of no regain. Do you think maybe that might come across as you lording it over your daughter?

If you want to hel your daughter.. work on yourself.  With family dysfunction...  their best chane is when YOU get better yourself.  Health begets health.  Work on yourself-- therefore showing the way to health for herself... Show her..(don't tell her...it never works that way) the way to health...