Spouses.

I'm waiting for approval. I'm new so I'm not sure of the correct way of doing all this. My question is for those of you with significant others, spouses, partners, what have you. I made my husband come with me to a WLS seminar and the speaker brought up that the rate of divorce was significantly higher after a WLS. I don't know why but mine has said to me numerous times that once I lose the weight we'll get divorced. I've always been heavier and fluctuated weight wise but after 3 children I just finally realize I need to lose the weight once and for all for all of us. They aren't going to have a mom if I continue on the route I'm on. I just want to have the surgery so I can feel like I'm done once and for all waiting on myself to be better and actually be better. Sorry for the length, just no one I know personally relates with me. I'm always the biggest in the room.

My husband has expressed some insecurity about how things will be after I lose the weight too.  He seems to think I 'settled' for him, at the weight I was.  Which, was about 100 lbs less before I met him!  (He's a REALLY, REALLY good cook.)

I think your spouse's reaction is common.  Just be reassuring that YOUR feelings for them have nothing to do with your weight!  

I will say - it is frustrating sometimes - seeing the way my husband eats (exactly as he did before I had my surgery, despite saying he was going to be 'doing this with me'.  Also, after seeing what it actually entails, he backed out of doing it too - and he would have benefitted more as he is actually diabetic and has sleep apnea, which I did/do not.  

What it comes down to, though, is that if both of you want to work on your relationship, you can make it through anything.  Sometimes it just takes making the active choice to love each other, even when one of you is being particularly unlovable!

The hubby and I had a LONG talk about our relationship and this surgery (before I had VSG). While he supported the healthy change, he had a problem with me going under the knife to achieve it. It all stemmed from the fact that he thought I only had 40 lbs to lose. Umm...no. I said, "If I only had 40 I wouldn't do the surgery. If I only had 80 I wouldn't do the surgery". Because he loves me, he supported me. But we covered a laundry list of topics from jealousy, to my wanting to possibly go out more, to divorce stats.

I must state that I have known my husband since I was 10 years old. So he has seen my weight at all stages. He would jokingly say that we are getting divorced if I get a breast reduction. Yes, he loved the fat/soft/plush me. But he was reminded that he also loved the 150 lb me, the 130 lb me and the 115 lb me!

If your husband is joking about the divorce, I wouldn't sweat it. IF he is serious, then I wouldn't sweat it. The way I figure it, lose weight...you won't be together - divorce. Don't lose weight...you won't be together - premature death. I'd take the divorce over the death! I would be mad as hell at myself if I died early trying to keep a man.

I think some times my husband has insecurities about what will happen when I am no longer heavy, but more so than anything he wants me to be happy.  I was 140 or so when we met and I loved him then so I think he knows that isn't going to change.  I have had 5 kids and put on some weight since then (to say the least).  Over all, I think he has stopped eating as much (although he isn't heavy at all) or atlease around me.  I am only 3 weeks out so he feels bad when we sit down to dinner and they are all eating pot roast and I am having a 1/2 an egg and 1/2 piece of toast.  But it is what it is.  I did this for me, not for anyone else.  I am tired of feeling umcomfortable in my own skin.

So, obviously your husband is insecure about this.  How about you?  How is your marriage right now?  Think long and hard about this...

Most strong marriages in the beginning will continue to grow and flourish.  It's important to reassure your spouse to quiet any insecurities they might have.

If there is any kind of hole, though, the chances of divorce are real.  Many obese people feel the need to "settle" in order to feel loved.  Some decide after they lose weight that their SO isn't good enough anymore and that they need something better.  Perhaps it's abuse that they are finally strong enough to walk away from, or just looking at years of indifference through new eyes.  There are many reasons, and if you have some of those 'holes', then I strongly recommend you get that worked out together.

My husband and I dated 5 years before marrying, and were married for two years when I had my surgery.  My losing the weight was never an issue for him.  Never. He wanted me healthy and happy and now I am.  I remember hearing the talk about partners get nervous about the weight loss.  Not an issue for us.  He loved me fat and he loves me thin.  He never had a weight problem so he eats what he wants and I'm perfectly fine with his choices, and he with mine.