Ridiculed in public

Hi everyone, 

i just had a few things on my mind that I wanted to get off my chest . I just wonder if anyone else out there has been totally ridiculed in public since having this surgery. I had the gastric sleeve in December 2013, so I'm about to reach my one year mark. I'm still having difficulty with eating since that is what caused me to get the surgery in the first place. Also having to drink when I don't even feel thirsty. I still can't eat very fast or very much for meals, and it takes me over 2 hours just to get through one meal. I still won't tell people I've had my surgery. I I doubt that I will ever be able to tell anyone ever. Anyways, my husband and I were at a restaurant last evening about an hour away from where we live. We have never been there before so I'm always up for trying new places. The red flags started coming up and it turned out that we were the only ones in there. We already had reservations and it was too late to go anywhere else, so just stayed. That was the first offense. Then the insults and rudeness seemed to be never-ending after that. The hostess was very pushy and wouldn't stop talking, then the owner came over and he was pushy about us ordering wine or something else containing alcohol. I don't drink, and having this surgery sets it in stone that you can't ever drink because of how they reduced your stomach. He still wouldn't stop saying things like "oh too bad, that's more for me then!" Then every 5 minutes or so that annoying hostess kept coming over and asking how everything was after we kept telling her repeatedly that everything was fine. She would leave and then the owner would cone out and ask the exact same thing. We were really trying to be nice, but anyone knows that when you go out to a restaurant that you like it sit and talk. We couldn't even do that cause they kept coming over and pestering us. I can't have appetizers anymore, so I just have to sit and wait for my meal. I want to do something while waiting to occupy the time, so I'm playing games on my phone. I finally get my dinner and as usual, I had to get salmon cause I won't touch red meat, seafood, or pork. Before this hostess/waitress sets my plate down she was pushing me to try some kind of potatoes. I'm fine with potatoes, but then I saw these and they were ORANGE. I won't touch orange, green, or brown food. I just can't stand how it looks. Sweet potatoes are orange so I just thought it was those. I took a very small bite and she goes "now you can't tell me those aren't good!" "They are just to die for!" I'm an extremely picky eater and if I don't like the way something looks, smells, or tastes, then I will automatically throw it up. That's definitely not a problem since my surgery. I have a few bites of my dinner and then have to stop cause I feel full. I'm sitting there again, and the owner comes over and asks how everything was. Again I told him everything was fine, but he still stood there talking. Finally he went away again, and the waitress comes over again and asks the same question. I guess they were just really bored and wanted others to talk with since we were the only ones there at the time. I try eating a little more and have to stop again. I'm sitting there waiting for my food to go down, and guess who comes over. He heads straight towards me and looks at my plate which still had everything on it, and said very loudly "oh you've hardly touched anything!" I was so shocked because the employees at restaurants don't harass customers to eat. I just said that I have to eat slow and take my time and he just glared at me. He leaves, waitress comes back, looks at my plate and says the same thing. I gave the same answer that I gave to take my time and eat slow. I still had no idea why they kept harassing me to eat when I could  hardly take more than 3-4 bites. About 10 minutes go by, he stomps over to our table again where we're sitting and I'm waiting for my food to go down. He looks at my plate again and asked if I was finished. I said "no not yet, I just eat really slow." Then he just yells at me "we'll stop playing with your telephone and eat!" I was so humiliated that I didn't know whether to cry or just become furious. I just haven't had anyone talk to me like that, and I was so shocked and it upset me so much that I completely lost my appetite. Then I just felt mad and it got to me so much that I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. I couldn't believe that upset me so much. More people were starting to come in at this time but I seriously doubt they heard since we were all the way over in the corner. One thing was for sure though, I was not going to let this jerk see me cry! I was still sitting there in total disbelief that someone would talk to me like that. I had to keep jumping up to run to the bathroom and throw up cause it upset me greatly, and I didn't want that to happen right in front of everybody there. This total jerk then goes behind the bar which was right next to our table and started SINGING making sure that I heard him. I finally just told my husband that I wanted to leave cause I was sick of being ridiculed in public by total strangers who didn't jibe a thing about me. When I was finally out of that place I still couldn't talk after being so humiliated like that. Who does that in a restaurant to paying customers telling them to stop playing around and eat!? I was especially offended because I've had my surgery and just CAN'T eat even though I want to. When I finally can eat again, everything is cold. My husband knew I was upset after going totally silent and throwing up for the last half hour over verbal abuse from a total stranger. We are DONE with that place and definitely NOT going back! It's almost 2am where I'm at and I'm still bothered by it and keep crying on and off. I don't want to touch food or even look at it I'm just furious at myself and other people verbally bashing me like that when they have no idea what I've been through. So has anyone else been through a similar situation like mine with other people telling you to eat, or they keep asking if you're finished? Does anyone else feel frustrated having to force yourself to eat all the time when you don't even want to? I had to get my surgery because of emotions eating. It was from people talking to me like that. I thought once I got my surgery that the verbal bashing would stop about my weight problem. Now it is just the complete opposite. I'm so glad this website was suggested to me cause I needed serious support because of stuff like what I went through. If anyone else has faced this, I would like to hear about your experience. Thanks for listening me rant for about the last 2 hours. I think that I can finally sleep now!

I don't think you were being ridiculed. Over-attentive waiting staff are irritating but you could simply say "thank you, I have already been asked if everything is fine".  The staff commenting on your eating is totally inappropriate but it could have been because they thought something was wrong with the food - which might also be why they kept asking if things were OK.

I have been asked if something was wrong with the food on several occasions and I just smile politely and say "no, it's lovely; I just have a very small appetite". The question was not to criticise me but to ask if the restaurant had prepared something badly so they could rectify it. Also - we don't do this in the UK but you do in the US - why not just ask for a container to take the rest home, showing you like the food?

And as a meal out is a social occasion, while my partner eats his first course, I talk to him rather than playing on my mobile phone. Not much fun for him otherwise! I think restaurant owners must get very fed up with customers who don't seem to want to be there, just playing with electronic devices! Fine in MacDonalds! Not in a smart restaurant!  But staff rudeness is uncalled for. 

Hi Suzy -- Welcome to OH.  There's a lot of support here, so please feel free to post about anything that's on your mind.  I've learned so much from reading posts.  And if you're interested in something specific, use the "search" feature.  You'll see a magnifying glass on the blue bar, in the upper right hand corner.  Also, there are surgery specific forums such as Vertical Sleeve, RNY, DS, etc. so they may be helpful too.

With regard to your restaurant experience, I think I would have left rather than put up with rudeness.  Never leave yourself unprepared. You said it was too late to go somewhere else.  I would have left and gone to a market to pick something up.  You should always have an "emergency stash" in your car - protein bar, tuna packets, etc.  Before trying a new restaurant, check them out on Yelp.com and see other diners reviews - and be sure to write your own review too.  Also, check out their menus on-line before going.  A lot of people will post the menu here and as for ideas on what to eat.

Don't let this get you down!  Sounds like you've doing well since your surgery.  Stick around here and you'll get lots of support - and lots of laughs!!

Mary

Dealing with poor service is always frustrating. However, whie I am not saying they weren't rude, it does seem like your reaction  to their attention is a bit extreme. Not eating in a restaurant and then going into the bathroom repeatedly is uncommon and noticeable, especially if not many customers are in the building. 

Have you considered therapy? When I read your post, two things jump out at me. First, do you have trouble setting boundaries with others? Did you ever, at any point, ask them not to come back and allow you to eat? You were frustrated with their attention; giving them an opportunity to remedy that problem could have alleviated your stress. Then, if they didn't follow your request, you could have complained and left a poor tip or asked your meal to be packed up and left.

Second, it seems you have a persecution complex. What reads like fairly normal human behavior, such as singing, you have interpreted as a personal attack. To allow someone's ignorance or obliviousness to upset you to the point of repeated vomiting, hysterical crying, and then sleeplessness, seems like an extreme  overreaction to me. You weren't being attacked for your surgery. You were being questioned why you went out to eat and then didn't eat. That is atypical behavior at a restaurant. 

Finally, at a year out, it should not be taking you hours to get through a meal. Have you talked to your doctor about this? Is this the result of a medical issue, like a stricture, or a psychological issue?

My words are not meant as an attack, but merely some things to think about.

This was so nicely put. I second this whole thing.

Well, I'll just say it. Your reaction seems over-the-top and dramatic to me. You may want to consider talking to someone about your feelings.

Yes. This x100. There was no ridicule, just a slow restaurant trying overly hard. If that made her cry, I better be careful what I type.

What K. said.

And also:  You've had the sleeve which by NO MEANS indicates that you can never drink alcohol again.  The only thing altered was your stomach; your intestines were left intact.  Those of us who have had malabsorptive surgeries need to be careful with alcohol, but even *we* can drink again if we choose too.  I want to clarify for those who are getting/have had the sleeve that there should be no change in how alcohol affects you.

And to the OP, you should probably seek some kind of therapy around boundaries issues.  If someone kept coming back to me like that I'd have told them (nicely, the first or second time) that I didn't require their assistance and at the point where they were getting irritating, would have asked for a box - or just left.  Nothing worth vomiting about.

Amy, there is some confusion about this. In her other posts she says she has the lapband!  Mind you, we can drnk alcohol too!!