Not telling people about surgery MEANS YOU'RE NOT READY!

Hey peeps!

So went to my support group the other night and it was quite interesting.  Someone brought up short -term disability and it made me think about mine.  I don't plan to tell anyone at work that I'll be having surgery.  All I plan to say is that, "I plan to take 2 weeks off to concentrate on my health".  The issue is my boss is also the HR manager.  She is also a blabber mouth and most definitely will talk about this to other people. If I apply for short-term disability she'll be the one to read that it says "Abdominal Surgery" and will automatically know this is what I'm having.  (I've already had gall bladder surgery) I've had issues of confidentiality with her in the past and she knows this.  But my office has about 90 people in it and she gossips.

When I shared this, I feel like I was very politely reamed about my decision by the nurse who presides over the group.  She said it was a good topic of conversation and that if we don't own our decision, it is a good indication that we aren't ready to have it.  This was a little unsettling for me.  I don't feel like me not telling people who I'm not close to equals me not being ready to have surgery.  I am very closed-up at work.  Private.  I am different from my co-workers and do not have any close friendships with any of them.  Yes they will see my progress.  No I'm not ashamed of the decision I'm going to make.  Yes, I understand I could potentially have added support from them.  But these are not people I would associate with after I leave this job.  I brought up the comparison of someone having a hysterectomy or some other personal surgery.  The nurse said, "Well those are usually not elective surgeries".  

I don't know.  It did bother me a bit.  Most people there agreed with her.  They were not mean to me by any means.  I just think I disagree.  I want to be in control of who I tell and who I don't. I do care too much about what other people say about me.  I know people will/do talk about me and there is nothing I can do about it.  This is something I need to work on (caring too much about what other people think), but until I do, I'd like to keep this surgery to myself at work.  I'm wondering what other people's thoughts are.  Maybe this is something I should have discussed with the psychologist.  What does everyone else think? 

That nurse is way overstepping her boundaries making a judgemental comment like that. I also believe there are laws protecting your privacy and your HR manager speaking about your surgery. I'd make that clear with her or her boss prior to surgery if you question her ability to remain professional. 

It is not uncommon for people to choose to keep their surgery decision private. It is no ones business but your own. People can be judgemental and make unfair/untrue assumptions or comments about your surgery. I definitely believe you should address the privacy issue before the surgery happens. 

Good luck!

Who's to say that work is an appropriate place to share your personal business?!  I am so frustrated by people like that nurse for being so judgmental!  It's rude and inappropriate.  I am so sorry you had to deal with that so publicly.  I agree that you should tell her supervisor because that is not cool.  What you do and who you tell is completely up to you and you should not feel bad about that.  This is a big deal and a huge decision.  To me, anyone who takes the steps towards the surgery (i.e. putting up with the all the-appts., testing and the pre-surgery nightmare diet - mine was two weeks) is showing commitment and is therefore ready.  Personally, I have only shared my surgery with my close family and friends.  I did tell my immediate boss at work because I wanted her to understand the reasons behind me taking two weeks off, plus she's just an amazing person.  No one else needs to know.  As others have said eventually people will put 2+2 together and then, so what?  It's not your responsibility to inform or assure anyone about YOUR life!  And do not beat yourself up trying to convince yourself or prove to yourself that you are ready.  You will know if it doesn't feel right.  I know I questioned my decision up till about two weeks after the surgery. (It really is intense mentally and physically.)  But now, 6 1/2 weeks later I know I made the right choice.  I feel SOOOO much healthier, confident and more in control of my life. WLS helped me achieve that.The pre-surgery diet, the time in the hospital and the pain of recovery now all feels worth it.

Be strong and know that you can always look to these forums for support.  I have gained so much from this site and the wonderful community!  Reading posts by people (like you!) who are so brave to share their stories has been a real comfort to me.

Please keep us posted!

Best,

Jocelyn

I had my surgery in 12/04 and have told no one but my husband and two children.  No.  One.  It's no one's business.  The initial reason for not talking about it was I didn't want negative feedback, and that quickly grew to simply wanting to keep it to myself.  Tens out and I've kept the 150lb loss off.  Interestingly no one has ever asked me about losing the weight.

There are HIPAA a laws that protect you from your boss discussing anything health related with coworker or anyone else for that matter. A HR manager should know and abide by these rules more than anyone else.  You should tell her supervisor or go to a lawyer that works at your company if you have one there. 

There is a distinct difference between not wanting to share your surgery with someone you know will tell the entire office and in feeling like you need to hide the fact that you are having surgery from everyone.  If you are so deeply embarrassed about having surgery that you don't want anyone to know, then maybe (and that is ONLY a maybe) you aren't psychologically ready.  Even that, however, is going to vary from person to person and situation to situation.  

As a Psychologist, I take considerable issue with the nurse's characterization of things.  She also seems to not understand that for many woman having a hysterectomy IS an elective surgery.  They can continue to try to treat fibroids other ways, for example, or they can CHOOSE surgery to permanently eliminate the problem.  Weight loss surgery is the same.  You can continue to try to address the obesity other ways or you can choose to have surgery.  The only difference is that a hysterectomy is a permanent solution to fibroids whereas WLS is NOT a permanent solution to obesity.  Just a very useful tool for treating it.

Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't ready for surgery just because you don't want a blabbermouth HR person spreading it all over the place. That nurse is presenting her personal opinion, which most Psychologists are NOT going to agree with, as if it was truth.  If it were me, I would let teh surgeon know what she is telling people. 

I would say, though, that there are LOTS of types of abdominal surgery other than WLS and gallbladder, so just having abdominal surgery when you don't have a gallbladder isn't automatically going to tip her off that it is WLS. Everyone will figure it out when the weight starts dropping off, though.

Lora

Thanks Lora! I respect your opinion as a psychologist. I am not embarrassed at all and will tell people with whom I trust to respect my privacy. 

You're right. People will put 2+2 together when the weight comes off.

Thank-you for sharing this!  I am much like you.  I don't feel the need to share my personal business and medical/health issues with everyone I know.  I've asked my family to keep this to themselves as well.  The reason is because this is a personal issue.  There are Definitely HIPA violations that are  being violated by your HR person.  My work life is separate from my personal life.  I like to keep it professional at work.  I also don't talk about my family or kids at work.  Only you can know if you are truly ready for this surgery.  Maybe we never know for certain if we are ready.  I think of this much like having kids.  You never really know how this will change your life until you have experienced it.  Good luck to you.

Great advice.

Plus, you can just state you are having surgery. She doesn't need to know its abdominal. Are you required to file for disability to be out 2 weeks?  Can you not use sick time or vacation?