Moms not supportive. At. All.

Hello All,

I'm new here. I've been reading all your posts and finding motivation from all the brave people here. I received my surgery date today and it turns out it's next Tuesday, September 16, 2014. I hadn't told my mom yet because I knew she wouldn't be supportive. My husband and best friend convinced me to tell her and give her the benefit of the doubt. So I did. She was not supportive at all in fact she said some very hurtful things, like, I'll live a short life if I do this, and it's the easy way out and that she won't be supportive, plain and simple.

I'm hurt, but not surprised. I'm having gastric bypass. I'm 5'7" and currently 280 with multiple comorbidities. I was feeling confident and excited for a second chance but now I'm feeling a bit beater down. I stayed calm and listened. I tried not to get emotional. I did good! She was crying and upset and saying mean things. The call ended with her crying and I just said I'd be here if she wanted to talk.

Any suggestions would be very appreciated. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful support system, I was just hoping my mom would be part of it.  

Sorry you are going through this.

It is not your job to convince your mother that what you are doing is choosing life and health and wellness.

At this point, it is probably best to try to let it go.  Maybe email her  over the weekend and let her know that your husband will update her after your surgery.  And let that be an email or text.

Your first few weeks post op are like a part time job, drinking enough, getting protein, fluids, healing .... That you don't need any negativity.

Work your program .... Limit contact with negative people, don't work at convincing anyone ... Let your results speak for themselves.

Hang in there!!!

Your Mom was taken by surprise.  She is probably afraid for you.  Don't let her negativity get you down.  Give her time and hopefully she will come around.  Thankfully, your surgery date is next week, so she won't have too long to worry!  

You're lucky you have your husband and others to support you.

Good luck...you'll be on the Losers Bench next week.  Keep us posted.

Hopefully it is just a knee-jerk reaction, partly through fear for you.  How about sending her a carefully thought out e mail saying exactly why you are having surgery, how your health is suffering  now, what the true risks are as opposed to newspaper scare stories, and what your post-op life will be. Say you are going ahead with your husband's support; you would really like her support as well but that you are doing it with or without her blessing. 

She will be able to think about it rather than just reacting. 

Thank you for the responses. After I posted this she called back and continued to try and break me down. She told me how sad she was and that I'm just a lazy fat person. None of which is true. No one here needs to hear all the diets I've tried and exercise regimens I've committed to and the weight I've lost just to regain it all plus some (we've all heard the story a million times). She told me I'm screwed up, and that I should just starve myself and that even if I do lose weight it won't be like I worked hard enough for it... It kind of makes me laugh reading it back... I'm hurt and frustrated and angry. I can see that she might be scared for me, but it's such a weird way to show it with such hurtful comments. 

Thank you for the comments, it helped a lot!

I am so very sorry that your mom said those things to you. 

When I had my first appointment with my bariatric clinic, that night, at dinner, my husband said to me, "I don't think you can make the changes in your life to be successful."  I thought later that if my marriage breaks down, I could actually pinpoint that moment as the beginning of the end.

What you are doing is for you and no one else and please be proud of the fact that you are taking control of your health.  If you had cancer, you would want the very best chance at beating it.  This surgery offers you the very best chance at beating a life-limiting issue.

I, too, once thought of it as "the easy way out" but there is NOTHING about it that is easy.  You will work for every pound lost and it will always be a struggle to maintain and not to slip back into bad habits.  BUT your best "revenge" (maybe not the right word) will be proving the doubters wrong!

You can do this!

Let me guess---your mom has never had a weight problem, or done any serious dieting, right?

Thankfully, my mom did support my decision, but she had no real experience of her own to give her any sense of empathy. Shortly after my DS, she developed COPD and stopped smoking. She gained 50 pounds in a year.

Of course, each and every time she sees a doctor now, the number one thing they tell her to do it LOSE WEIGHT. And she simply cannot. She's a complete carb addict.

I hate it for her that she's got thing problem---but at least now, she GETS it. And I 'get' her problems, too---pre-op, I was constantly out of breath too.

So sorry that your mom is not supportive. I know how hurtful that can be. Atleast your husband is behind you. Stay on your path and know that you will be so much healthier. Good luck with your surgery and hang in there. It will all be so worth it.

Robin

I'm sorry that your mom isn't the support you wanted, but it sounds like your husband is there giving you the support you need. I agree that it is NOT your job to convince her that this is the best decision for you. Your job is to get ready for your new life on the Loser's Bench!

"The easy way out". I hate that phrase. There is nothing easy about what I am doing. I am still watching what I eat and exercising and keeping track of my mental and emotional feelings at this time. Easy...ha! However, let's say surgery is the easy way out. Who would fault anyone for doing something the easy way??? I guess all those people who say that line beat their clothes on rocks instead of using the EASY washing machine. I guess they walk everywhere instead of using the EASY car. I guess they cook over an open flame instead of the EASY gas stove. What?!?!?! No hunting for food and washing dishes in the river?? I guess you took the easy way too.

Lift your head up and be ready to report to us Tuesday about your successful surgery!

I can totally understand your issues with your mom. My family is very supportive of me, but my now ex-wife fought it constantly. I have no reason other than her own insecurities to blame. I awaiting my surgery date as I type this. I planning for the third week in December.

PS. A big reason for my divorce was her lack of support for my surgery. Still don't understand why.