MY version of "Support is . . . ": what I will do for you

Okay, here's my take on support and what I will or won't do to support you.  Please keep in mind that I am a "vulgar" American (wink to Kate.)

I weighed 376 pounds when I started my journey, which classified me as super-morbidly obese. I had 10 or so comorbidities, any of which could have killed me at any time. I've been on OH over 11 years, have been living with Lap-Band for almost 11 years and have been maintaining a substantial weight loss since the beginning. Suffice it to say that I'm not just talking out my ass about WLS.

Remember that I am only able to tell you with any kind of certainty what happened with MY surgery. I can tell you about life with a band, and that's it. Anything I tell you about living with a sleeve, bypass of DS is anecdotal information that I have heard from someone with that surgery, heard from a doctor or read somewhere else.

I - and most people on OH - WANT to see you succeed, and we'll help you when we are able. But "support" does not mean blindly saying that anything you do and everything you post about is okay. Blind support can lead to something as simple as slow weight loss and as serious as death. So, here goes, in no particular order.

- I WILL tell you that you should immediately talk to the your surgeon, your PCP or that you should get your ass to an ER if the situation warrants it. This includes nights, weekends and holidays. Don't get pissed or roll your eyes   Some situations are truly serious and what you should be doing is talking to an EXPERT instead of asking a bunch of amateurs on a website. If you have been vomiting for days on end and cannot keep even water down, your first course of action is MEDICAL ATTENTION, not the internet. If I tell you that you need medical help, it's because I don't want to see you keeling over from dehydration, low blood sugar, etc. It's not because I'm being a *****

- Additionally, I WILL state the obvious - that you need to see your surgeon, PCP, therapist or nutritionist if your situation calls for it.

- I WILL call "bull****" if you are delusional enough to post how you had surgery yesterday and ate a donut today (and yes, it's happened). There is no possible way to support that kind of action. YOU know it was the wrong thing to do, and you know WE know it was the wrong thing to do. Don't expect support for acts of colossal stupidity. You should have been given a post-op diet regimen to follow. If you have, FOLLOW IT. Yes, it sucks. It's only a few weeks long - tough it out. If you haven't been given one, call your doctor and get one. PS: before you ask, YES. I DID follow my surgeon's post-op diet, to the freaking letter, for 6 weeks.

- I will be hard-pressed to give you support if you've posted about how upset you are because you are not losing weight "fast enough." People have posted that they are two weeks out and have "only" lost 25 pounds. Seriously? You're disappointed? I understand that you know someone who knows someone whose cousin lost all her excess weight in a year. It could happen that way to you, but it probably won't. You have to stop comparing your weight loss to everyone else's. We're all different, and our rates of loss will vary. People who are "lightweights" will lose far slower than someone who has 200 pounds to lose. Remember that none of us got obese, morbidly obese or super-morbidly obese overnight, and there is no way that we will lose all that excess weight overnight, either.

- I will remind you to be kind to yourself. If you are struggling right after surgery, I'll remind you that you are in a healing stage, will feel like **** will be full of gas, and be hungry all the time, and that the best thing you can do to and for yourself is to relax.

- I will chastise you if you say that you're not taking whatever vitamins or supplements you have been instructed to take. Again this is a big, big deal that can kill you if you neglect to do it.

- I, like Kate and many others, will refer you to the "search" function or to another forum if your question has been asked and answered a hundred times or if it can be better answered on another forum.

- I will tell you to get up and exercise. At the very least, it's good for your overall physical health and - sometimes - mental well-being. But it will help you lose weight faster.

- I will gladly give you a virtual kick in the ass when it's required. It usually will look like this:

 We all, at one time or another, need one.

- I will never shame you for slow weight loss or weight gain. We all run into life situations where we react by reverting to our life-long coping skill of running to food. It happens. If you say that you're afraid to go to see your doctor because you are embarrassed by your weight gain, I will tell you to go and that if he/she shames you, to tell him/her off. I will remind you that your doctor works for YOU, not the other way around, and that he/she should be doing everything possible to help you succeed. Shaming is something we've dealt with our whole lives and the last place we should have to experience it is from someone we have paid a lot of money to help us.

- I will remind you that you are having weight loss surgery to save your life. I may tell you that it doesn't matter what your husband, boyfriend, wife, son or even mother says about WLS. You are far more likely to die from obesity-related diseases than you are to die from WLS. You are more likely to die unnaturally young. Sadly, I have a friend whose 30 year old daughter just died from weight-related heart failure. Do it for you - to improve (and save) your own life. Your family and friends can't continue to have you in their lives if you are gone.

Damn it. I forgot a couple!

- I WILL answer private messages, on the rare occasions that OH sends me a notification. I'm not ignoring you; I just don't know that you sent me one.

- I WILL tell you which protein shakes I like but you have to keep in mind that ones I like, you may despise - and vice versa.

Bette,  for what it's worth to ya, I began at 377 and when I got the band it was 365.  I love your post!   It describes what I would like to have written to the "T".  Thank you for posting it!

This is a nice post, I just hope it's not a response to the Amber post of just be nice. There was just a little too much drama going on in that thread. I just didn't think something so simple would bring out all of that! I might give up some of my reality shows & just hang out here! LOL

Drama threads like Amber's are the lifeblood of OH - it generate****s and therefore revenue for OH!   If we relied on protein and poop posts, OH would probably go under pretty quick as those get pretty boring, pretty quick!   

Amber deserves a medal for getting to 12 pages (or whatever) - now THAT's real support for the community!!!!

Reaching 12 pages is easy when you have a stock answer to respond to comments you don't like.   Oh wait.   That only lasted half a day.

OMG, I just kept thinking why is everyone going so crazy over 1 posters point of view comment of just be nice? The whole give us a name, who made you the forum nanny?, you can't tell me how to post! blah, blah, blah. So much drama over 1 posters interpretation of what is rude.

See how differently we see things - the only person I saw going crazy was the OP.   I think (and feel free to disagree ) that if you start a thread calling some people mean that you should be able to back that up.   It's not a very nice thing to call people.   I also believe that if you see someone being mean, you call them out and support whoever it is they're being mean to - I don't know what purpose starting a thread about some anonymous person who's mean serves ... other than making that incident all about YOUR feelings and not the perceived "victim" of said meanness?

So do you think people should have just let her have her say and not "discussed" her views?   I like my forums more on the entertaining side and I like to think that we ALL get an opinion.

So how do you suggest we decide who gets to say what?

I have never had and would never have a protein shake BTW - if I posted that do you think everyone should just agree what a great idea that is, or do you think people should be able to say that they have one every day and that they are the most delcious things ever?   Should I get upset because everyone is just being mean to me because I don't like them and that they are trying to force them on me?   

Different subject but a similar argument on what we can and can't post!   I am genuinely interested in your views on this because I honestly don't understand your point of view and am willing to listen and try to understand it.